Gitx of Brazil

2010-06-28T03:19:00.002+02:00

Et si on arretait de faire de la merde, qu'on reprennait les choses en main , ca serait peut etre mieux ?

2010-06-28T02:57:00.006+02:00

Ive heard it before, your diamond words melted in to some ice. And I'm looking for love, not an empty page full of stuff that means nothing but "you've been played" cuz i do not accept any less than someone just as real as fabulous.

2010-06-10T18:32:00.001+02:00

Je n'ai pas oublié tes larmes, pas oublié, pas oublié...

2010-06-01T14:23:00.001+02:00

Det här är svårt att förklara
kanske inte bara en vanlig låt om min vardag
Toppar och dalar, jag gav dig mitt hjärta
bara rakt ut, hmm det är min dåliga vana
För det blir så ibland, jag vet
det tar tid och jag tror jag vet
Vad vi gjorde för fel, passionerat
men okontrollerat, ha, idioter
Och jag vill bara känna hur det känns
tänka tillbaka bara minnas & vara konsekvent
Våra stunder vi hade, tankar idér
din lukt i din nacke, pussar och skrattar
åt sista gången vi delade en spliff på balkongen
satt uppe på natten

Och jag minns när jag mådde kasst
du sa jag kan dra vårt last
Det kommer funka, måste funka
nånstans där finns vår plats
Det kommer funka, måste funka
nånstans där finns vår plats
Den enda personen som tagit upp min tankekraft
24/7.. Baby —– saudades! som en brasse sagt!
Och jag trodde jag borde va trygg
vi gör det tillsammans och hon har min rygg
Oh shit vad jag älskar dig
trotts att jag knappt visste vad dom orden betydde
Och det vet jag typ inte ens idag
det gick för fort, vi vände blad
från ett sånt förhållande tar det lång tid att tända av
Det bästa sex jag haft i hela mitt liv
jag nästan jag nästan skäms över att säga det högt
ibland så, skippar vi snacket vi bara vet vad vi vill
Det kändes nästan överflödigt och använda rösten, okej

Fyfan vad sjukt att man kan känna sån passion
vi åt och drack & grät och vi skrattade och vi kom ihop
Som bästa vännen som har tagit det till nästa level
där vi bara hoppades men fick se vad som hände!

För hon var bäst, försök & överträffa det Ja
För hon var bäst, försök & överträffa det Ja
För hon var bäst, men kommer aldrig mer tillbaks
För hon, flyger iväg som ett pappersflygplan!

Lilla baby jag kan inte stanna kvar
jag fuckar upp ditt organiserade liv
Jag har rappat in en massa pengar
allt du vill kan du få, men ingen trygg framtid
Jag har packat mina saker,
på väg ut från vår lägenhet nu snart är den din
Skulle bara vilja krypa ner i sängen och säga förlåt för de blev som det blir
För jag kommer som ett yr
Och vinner ditt hjärta men flyr iväg till nästa så fort anar något ansvar!
För jag fattar mycket väl att det är i mina, det såkallade blodet i mina ådror
kommer från min pappa, men tänker starta min familj så fort det går dåligt
Det sociala arvet får rätt igen
och det går utöver min bästa vän
Jag älskar dig, så vi kanske kanske kanske syns igen!

2010-05-25T02:25:00.001+02:00

"This time, things will be different and you're gonna see me"

2010-05-25T02:20:00.002+02:00

E com o tempo fiquei mais seletiva, aquelas amizades fúteis que eu tinha já não me interessam mais, as músicas ruins não me completam e o amor, o amor só se for real.

2010-05-25T01:30:00.002+02:00

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details____________

2010-05-25T01:27:00.001+02:00

"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages."

2010-05-25T00:26:00.010+02:00

The ugly truth

Lately, I had an epiphany while discussing various issues in the matter of the heart. I can't quite explain it, but it just hit me:

I saw the ugly truth about myself. Maybe I knew it all along, because friends have warned me, yet, I had refused their truth and substituted it with my own - Which was a complete joke.

I have been a deliberate ignorant throughout this entire past 12 months.

That's gotta hurt the ego a little bit........I guess I needed time to objectively see the pattern of my recurring problems. It is hard to realize our own mistakes.

I don't like the new perception of me now, even though it is the cruel truth:

I have been desperate, eager beyond reason, to satisfy my needs. My needs of affection, that is.

I looked everywhere, in any little opportunity, any half-way open door to find a loving heart.

I jumped right into situations that were already doomed for catastrophy, and although I am a risk taker, I have been chasing people for so long now. And what for? What good has it brought but heartbreak, deception, illusions, fake promises and high expectations? That isn't love, that is desperation, loneliness and lack of affection.

Everytime things ended with someone, or never really got a start, I blamed it on the person - and not me. I expected them to behave in a certain way, to live up to their words. And they didn't.

Had I realized that I was expecting too much from them, maybe I wouldn't be a bitter little girl, adding every facebook on the likes of: "I hate assholes", or "I am so tired of selfish guys". Now i realize how silly all of that sounds.

I deleted those facebook groups, and I am no longer bitter (but it still hurts).

I don't blame any of these guys for how they delt with the situation, because the way I searched for love, was all wrong. It wasn't there... How could i have had expected any more from them? On the other hand, what i felt for these guys, were REAL. 100%.

In fact, there was nothing wrong with these guys - they were interesting, sweet and affectionate. They simply didn't want anything serious.

It was what it was, for a short while of fun and someone to temporarely fill the void inside my bed, maybe even my heart..... ( i told you, i went too far. )

I have to confess though, that even if things are not supposed to be more than a little adventure, I strongly believe in good manners and consideration of others feelings.

The least people can do is to end things in a civilized manner, and honesty above all. But no, that's not how the real world works. In the end, we have to be satisfied with the insulting silence and the few cold words left behind, echoing in our minds...

The conclusion? I am not running after anyone, anymore. I am not going to pretend it is something it is not. I am done running. It's been 12 months of disappointments - with myself.

From now on, I will quit running after. Wether it is superficial or not, it does not matter. I have tried too hard and far too long to be a good girl. But why? And for who do i need to prove this anyway? No one...If someone does not give me a good enough reason, I do not need to justify what I am doing under my sheets....

Until something real, preferably not involving any running after (!!!), comes along...I will enjoy the temporary adventures, for exactly what they are. Nothing more, nothing less.

I say what I MEAN and I Do what I FEEL....But have been known to put my FOOT in my MOUTH and REGRETED some of the things I've DONE........

ps more posts on this subject to follow.

2010-05-15T00:10:00.001+02:00

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

2010-05-11T02:13:00.006+02:00

I think i got it!

Happiness is something every human being wants to achieve but not always does.

It is such a suttle feeling many do not attain in life.

I am more and more conviced it has become so as we have predetermined ideas of what happiness is supposed to be. Then reality comes along, and disappoints us.

In my opinion, happiness is achieved when we have learnt to live and accept the imperfections of life. That in fact, there is no such thing as PERFECTION.

If you quit your idea of "happiness", where you have a criteria for everything, such as 1. how you want your life to be 2. what kind of girl you want to marry 3. where you will want to live..and INSTEAD, accept that you may not marry the girl you thought you'd marry (but whom you still love of course), did not end up in the city you thought you would and just live without a CRITERIA for everything? What about letting things develop naturally?

Isn't happiness being in peace and accepting that you will not always get EXACTLY what you want, that the world is NOT perfect, that PERFECTION is an utopia created by men, just to make them even more miserable?

I find disappointments and unexpected situations important too. I have accepted that they will appear in my life and mess all my future plans, that i will never get rid of it. But if i accept them as a part of life, that there is no way I can shape my future according to MY CRITERIAS exactly of how i want it to be, maybe I will be happy and let life show me new paths and new ways of thinking.

Yes, we decide our own fate but we can't be overly paranoid and expect that we will get everything we want exactly the way we want them to be.

For all i know, I might not move to Barcelona. I may find a better school in Madagascar and get married before i turn 30, in a Las Vegas 20dollar chapel,dressed as Elvis Presley.

Not in my plans. AT ALL. But absurd? Absolutely not.

2010-05-11T01:29:00.012+02:00

What is it with people who initiate something and do not follow through? What is it with people who do not go all the way, but only 30, 40 or 50% of the way half-heartedly and then suddenly stop and go backwards? What is the point in initiating something if you cannot handle it in the first place?

What is the point?

The only certain thing in life is that we will eventually die, so why do people go on and on about having to protect their hearts or themselves in general? Protect? Really, what from? Because as far as I know, the worse enemy is yourself. Your mind will play tricks on you and tell you to give up because it is too hard and too painful. However, the truth is that your are stronger than you think. Trust me on this one, because I have been to hell, and back. (Not once, but twice.)

Look at me, I am still here. Open heart, putting myself into dangerous situations. I do it because i do not know HOW NOT to do it. All i know is that i simply need to.

Look, it is pretty simple. If you are actually going to LIVE your life, and not let it live YOU, you are going to have to experience EVERYTHING TO 100%, not 30, 40..or 50% .

So go ahead, put your hand in the fire, risk a little. It is the only way to experience. Go all the way, burn. It will show you that you are alive. It does not matter if you may get hurt, because you might just. But, so what?

Feel everything - Feel happiness, feel fear, feel excruciating pain, just feel and open your eyes to what is in front of you.

Wake up, before it is too late.

Because your faith has to be greater than your fear.

J'ai voyagé, jai rencontré des gens, jai eu des bons et mauvais souvenirs mais bordel qu'es que je me sens vivante........

2010-05-03T01:25:00.003+02:00

On another note (and much brighter!)

The wives managed to squeeze in a REUNION down south of France! For the ones who don't know, my wifey i.e Louise, was one of the first persons I met when I moved to Aix back in 2008. We litteraly lived in eachothers pockets, and experienced so much together that it's barely impossible to express it into words.

We had our disagreements, our fights, and even took a distance for over a year. Now, 18 months later, we meet again. And may I say, it was great. Nervewrecking, but great!

I love my wife, there is nobody quite like you, Lou..

I miss us, and our crazy times.

Damn, we were INSANE together. Probably not the healthiest lifestyle though, but those aixperiences were worth it, no doubt.

2010-05-03T01:23:00.001+02:00

2010-05-02T23:43:00.008+02:00

Part deux

I am not the kind of person who tries to ignore what I feel. Feelings need to get out, be shaped and molded in order to be understood. It is scary and an uneasy feeling to expose your inner most self to someone. I feel like running away every time I have to do that, but if I want someone to see me for who I am - I am here, with open heart.

Unfortunately, most people I have met, live behind fear, and take the easy road out just to avoid the pain. Just remember, happiness always has a price. There is no absolute perfection in life and nothing certainly comes for free. Every time we want something, it will always be followed by some sort of complication, some kind of problem. The difference is to try to see it as a challenge, not as an unfortunate and doomed cause. This is my ideology.

Nothing comes for free without a little fight - and how boring life would be without a bit of challenge!!

It frustrates me that most people I have met, have failed to endure challenges and end up giving up, just like that.

Tired of hearing sweet words and no action. Everything is so romantic and simple in the beginning. When reality comes along and feelings begin to grow, they run away. They all do.............especially the good ones.

Sweet words are easy to say, but where is a strong character when it is needed? Where is the person behind those words? Where did he go?

Si les mots sont la voix du cœur. Ou est ton coeur?

2010-05-02T22:45:00.005+02:00

No more wallflower

2010-05-02T22:26:00.003+02:00

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.
Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.

2010-04-06T00:22:00.010+02:00

Greece confirmed! (✓)

Uppsala 2008 reunion with my beloved and INSANELY missed malakas @ Greece
♥ August 19-29 ♥
Psiksiii, γάτα is coming!!!!

2010-04-05T03:42:00.001+02:00

"Les temps sont durs pour les reveurs."

2010-03-18T02:03:00.005+01:00

The process of getting to know someone (romantically speaking) and dealing with the feelings that are developing right in front of you is an art hard to master.

I can honestly say I am not an easy person to deal with when found in such a situation.

I am in constant conflict with logic and feelings. I go left, I go right. I jump into it in a split second, and I run away as fast as I can. All of this, all at once.

No, i am no easy match. In truth, I do not always understand my sudden reactions either.

First and foremost, my main concern is to manage to balance the excess impulse of my nature. Part of me wants to express what I really feel and go for it. The other side of me is less of a Juliet - I can be as brutal as an elephant and become cold towards the person. This usually happens when I realize i've become very consumed by feelings towards them. It is an uneasy feeling when you dont know where you stand with the person you like, and what they really mean to you. This is a common protective-of-self behaviour.

Trying to let go of past ghosts and adopt a healthier attitude towards love is a slow process, but not hopeless. I am trying.

Less Juliet, more Margit.

2010-03-18T01:56:00.003+01:00

Now I know why I became so deeply impacted by my former relation:

It is not the fall that killed me. It was the sudden stop.

And there you have it. Loud and clear.

2010-02-24T17:21:00.002+01:00

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Right now, it's hard for me to maintain a strong shield against the things that are coming at me..."

2010-02-24T00:01:00.002+01:00

Infatuation blinds us..and our past experiences leave scars to remind us of them. Once you heal from the wounds, and somehow try to open your heart again..how do you differ illusion from reality? (its just too easy to fall in familiar traps again, you know?)

2010-02-21T00:59:00.012+01:00

Unighted @ Paris Juillet 2009 - I was there!!!!!!!!!!! And the clip below, is my personal favorite moment of that ENTIRE evening. Simply because Armin made it all the better.

As i went to the concert alone, i was lucky to meet random brazilians (!) right in front of me at the bar queue. Oh, la chance :) Hope i will be as lucky this year!

5 months countdown to the next Unighted 2010!
See you there!

2010-02-20T03:20:00.007+01:00

Let's make a deal:

I'll lick your wounds, if you lick mine?

2010-02-20T02:07:00.013+01:00

Easy, tiger!

* Picture taken by renowned photographer Anne Leibovitz

Even though my blog is aimed to stick to my own personal issues, from time to time I feel the need to vent out on completely incoherent topics.

Today I need to express my somewhat hatred towards media in general. I guess I can blame my media & communication course for introducing me to the bizarre psychology behind consumer behaviour. How much more aware one becomes by in-depth information!

One of our weekly seminars were about the media fuss surrounding the Tiger Woods scandal, as he, in a matter of days, went from glorified hero to well, scum of society - i.e human (after all).

One of the things that creates an uneasy irritation in my core, is the fact that the public can be so hypocritical. One minute they love you and higher you to a glorified thrown, and the other, throw stones at you as if you have deceived a family member in an unthinkable manner.

Why is it that people glorify celebrities? They are human after all. Obviously their lifestyle differs in comparison to ours, but still. No marriage is a constant blissful walk in the park. Nobody is perfect. He just happens to have more temptation begging for attention at every move he makes, compared to us commoners. Plus, even though we aren't famous, we too have committed pretty ugly acts on loved ones. It is simply not broadcasted nor handed to a feast of tasteless media magazines. Hypocrits!

Why can't he simply be seen as what he is: An outstanding prodigy & a sportsman of untangible skills. His personal life shouldn't be expected to be a picture perfect scenario off a Disney flic. Why can't people separate these two? Heck, we all have bones in our closets - wether they are the walk-in million dollar closets out of MTV "Cribs", to the the budget IKEA models.

I can understand the fact that celebrity adoration is due to the need to allow us to switch off from our mundain and less than glamorous routined lifes. I get all that! However, to expect perfection out of a celebrated person is downright outrageous. And don't get me started on the "role model" responsability. No wonder so many famous people can't handle this sort of pressure.

Tiger Woods should be let alone to clean his act up. Treat him as a sportsman, nothing less, nothing more.

Yes, this is an utopian wishful thinking! But one can always wish the media/public to at least, become less hypocritical and go a little easy on the brutal headlines.

Insincere glorification isn't becoming.

2010-02-18T19:31:00.002+01:00

"Mon âme conteste
Ma peau proteste
Moi j'rêve de maintenant
Car je suis une enfant
Je tourne le dos au temps
Cheveux et jupe au
vent - Une enfant"
- Carla Bruni

Brazil - blissful days in the sun

2010-02-18T17:18:00.000+01:00

2010-01-31T18:57:00.001+01:00

2010-01-31T18:55:00.000+01:00

2010-01-31T18:29:00.003+01:00

Very good article written by a friend. I guess i can relate to this...Altho all so very true; i think its a natural part of the process of being dumped to be mad/dramatic. A momentary state of delusion is part of the emotional detox. So come on, give a girl time to lick her wounds.

"Le guide de la nana larguée : éviter le syndrôme "tous des salops"

Et voila.

Le célibat. Après ces mois, voir années de bonheur avec chouchou/lapin/chéri/loulou, cet ours mal embouché s'est cru permis de quitter votre vie sentimentale, souvent brutalement, parfois avec fracas, plus rarement avec douceur, et trop rarement avec classe.

Là, c'est le drame. Rien ne va plus.

Votre premier réflexe, et aussi le plus mauvais, est de le diaboliser. "Quel connard!" "C'était vraiment le dernier des idiots!" "Pourquoi je me suis laissée avoir!"
Ce discours et cette manière de pensée sera quasi automatique. Si je voulais faire râler, je dirai que c'est parce qu'il est plus facile de blâmer l'autre que de se remettre en question, mais ce n'est pas le sujet.

Première chose à faire donc, arrêter ce mode de pensée nocif. Nocif, car il entretient des émotions négatives, au lieu de les évacuer pour laisser la place à autre chose.
Comment faire?
Tout simplement, rappellez vous que vous ne vous êtes pas faite avoir. Si vous êtes sortie avec ce mec, c'est que vous l'avez voulu. Et comme vous n'êtes pas masochiste (ou alors ce n'est pas le sujet) ce mec devait bien avoir quelque chose. Il vous apportait quelque chose, et cela vous a certainement valu de bons moments, voir de très bons moments. En y repensant, est ce que c'est vraiment juste de le diaboliser comme ça?

Voila. Maintenant que vous avez réalisé que lui jetter la pierre comme ça est stupide, vous allez pouvoir passer à autre chose.
Seulement, Ce sont pricipalement les émotions qui vous gouvernent à ce moment là. Il est probable donc que vous n'ayez pas endigué le feu assez tôt.
Les petits détails sont venus nourrir ce ressentiment mesquin ("a ce moment là, il m'a même pas regardé alors que je disais un truc super important!") et ça y est, ce n'est plus seulement votre ex, mais tout les mecs en général qui sont promus au rang de cons.

Suite à cette rupture, vous irez boire un verre avec votre meilleure copine en vous morfondant, tandis que celle ci vous confortera dans votre délire ou vous racontera diverses histoires qui ne feront que confirmer votre tendance à developper ce que nous allons appeller le syndrome "tous des salops"

-"Mais c'est vrai! pourra m'opposer une jeune fille blessée, j'ai plein d'histoires de mecs qui trompent leur nanas ou qui les larguent méchament dans mon entourrage!"

Et au fond, peut on le nier? Mais les choses ne sont pas aussi simples.
Posez vous cette simple question: n'avez vous aucune histoire de fille qui a trompé son mec ou encore l'a largué un peu salement? Peut être même une de vos copines est dans ce cas? Peut être même vous?
Bien entendu, vous pourrez peut être trouver des excuses à cette fille/cette copine/vous, puisque vous avez connaissance de plus de données, et que l'empathie est présente entre membres du même sexe. Mais que faire alors? Toutes des salopes aussi?

La vrai réponse n'est pas là. La réponse c'est "tous des êtres humains". La vie ne se divise pas entre gentil et méchants. Tout le monde peut être amené à faire quelque chose de mal à un moment ou un autre de sa vie.
Ne devenez pas ces filles blasées qui n'ont que des mots d'invective à la bouche des mecs. Il n'y a rien de moins sexy que ça, à part peut être une moustache bien fournie. Si vous ne pouvez vraiment pas vous retenir, faites le avec dérision, là c'est agréable.

Oubliez toutes ces pensées négatives, et ressourcez vous. Faites ce que vous aimez, programmez votre vie en fonction de vos seules envies et plus en fonction de quelqu'un d'autre. Volez des ailes de la liberté, il sera toujours temps de revenir sur terre quand quelque chose en vaudra la peine."

2010-01-21T14:44:00.001+01:00

"Feel this body, its filled with heat. The sensation of what flows from here is incredible and irregular.
If there will ever be someone to tame this beast, it shall be forever bound to its force eternally.
And so its energy goes on with the atitude it came with, and shall never end."

2010-01-15T02:21:00.008+01:00

The past seems to refuse to die in me +

As im about to walk into a past long before he came along, im going with mixed feelings. Masochistic? Or maybe this time, the roles will change. Ready or not, its the territory i badly need to return to. Not sure what ill find there. People from the past, each street a memory...each body, each loving eyes starring back at me...Maybe in that moment ill forget you for a while.

Uncertain of which Gitx will manifest itself. Certainly a more mature version of me....but hungry...hungry as ever.

I smile, i joke..but i cry inside. I really do.
Just write that damn letter, Margit
(How could a + turn into a -?)

2010-01-05T01:58:00.000+01:00

Happy 2010!

2009-12-03T23:58:00.001+01:00

With heavy breath, awakens regrets. With days alone that could've been spent
together, but we are miles apart. Every inch of the distance between us becomes light years now.

2009-11-30T01:01:00.010+01:00

" It always fascinated me how people go from loving you, to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much..... Here it is: One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another end. And even if this person doesn't fit you perfectly, well.... you still don't want to live without him."

Shit.

2009-11-28T03:52:00.012+01:00

Babe you played my heart, but the way that you played was art.

2009-11-28T03:40:00.003+01:00

Même après tant de discussions, nous n'avons pas pu éviter la fin. A force de converser avec toi, tu as réussi à corrompre ce qui était des sentiments pour les transformer en raison, seulement pour te perdre dans l'abîme de penser et sentir

Trop de raison, tue la passion..voilà!.

2009-11-19T02:46:00.000+01:00

2009-11-19T02:18:00.004+01:00

How was I to know that time was so terribly short. He flew away, surrending to his ghosts – and leaving me behind. Mysterious man – from no man´s land or the deep blue sea, so strange to me. How was I to know that the end was already there.

I´ll tell you what is love. A shooting star, that flares up and then it dies.

It isn´t fair – I had a taste of bliss, And so did he, I think... Life´s bittersweet.

2009-11-09T01:35:00.010+01:00

Le debut de la fin

2009 is coming to an end, and the first thought that hits me is: 'How fast this year has come and gone!'

I will remember this year with bittersweet memories - both good, and bad.

Part of me is eager to leave this year behind.

A new year represents a new beginning, and maybe a new chance for some of us who haven't yet established a solid ground.

As the year comes to an end, its almost unavoidable not to come to a period of reflection and thought of everything that has been: what we want to forget and leave behind, and what we want to bring with us into 2010.

Every New Years eve is somewhat melancholic to me, I cant help it. 2009 is gone, at it will never come back.

I can easily say that 2009 was a crucial year for me, where I found a new direction. Things became clearer and some of the answers came to me. I haven't figured it all just yet, but the remaining doors to be open will show themselves when the time is right. For now, i trust in the unknown. I'm not afraid.

2009

Aix-en-Provence, Marseille, St victoire, Cassis, Louise Ryall, Louise Mello, Naty, Ambroise, Mike, Younes, Zayd, Omar, Laureeeent!!!!, Arthur, Antony, Ali, Germain, Pedro and his sexy Ryanair uniform, the Oneals manwhore we all loved, bathroom @Oneals, Carrefour Bar, IPN, Mistral, La Be, La verrerie, Sextius, Brigand, Jacob's, Cintra, Pizza Capri, les calanques, La Rotonde, Murano, Aix Bulldog, Parc Jourdan Rue Peysonnel, Rue Felibre Gaut, Cour Mirabeau, Pasino, tripple Ai(xxx) girls getting piercings at 22pm, afterparty at the park at 7am, fete de la musique, stolen laptop, police station, Residence Estellan, pastis, 2euro wine, lost in translation, Ambroise's serenates, rose wine, ladie's night, champagne, weed with m&m, shisha bar, Madrid, Patrick :(, David, Alex, sleepless nights, fountain showers at 3am, KIDS, burnt popcorn, kissing party, boom blaster, dance, love, hurt, fights, laughter, morals tested, promiscuity, manipulation, maturity, closeness, Laurent Wolf, Skins Party, John Dahlback, club studio 88, Sports Beach, La Be bartenders, table dancing, 24hr boulangerie, Paris, Adopt Un mec, UNIGHTED, Mathieu and his unforgetable apero, hospital urgency room, broken ladders, guy from Ille de la Tentacion, summer, 38 degrees, Alfonso my eternal mentor, Maira, Brazil 2010, farewell, Sweden, changes, lessons learnt, Rebecca & Niclas to Sweden!,family struggle, Andrew,+Olivier+, Paris, Bry-Sur-Marne, Friday night lights, Rock sur Marne, Ready for the weekend, Deadmau5, connection, warmth, positive energy, looks, cat, tears, bills, back to work, University/Berghs, emotion sickness, crossroads, decisions, silence, patience, control, inspiration, +-+-+-+, reflection, time, questions, stagnation, trust, hope..........missing

'Je vous aime'

2009-10-22T18:04:00.003+02:00

Dear heart of mine,

i need you to be brave for me. i know you're trembling on wires and clacking against bird-bone ribs, but i need you to set your teeth and stiffen that upper lip. i know it's scary and we aren't getting any medals for courage any time soon, but i think if we both hold hands and close our eyes, we can get through this.

i'm not saying we'll be bleeding and gasping on the floor. i'm not saying we're going to lock the front gates and shut off the lights and fasten the shutters, but i can't lie to you and say we will be living in eternal sunshine. we won't.

we can't hide behind the wall forever though. if we want to get what we love to dream about, we're going to have to step in the frontline. we're going to have to brave the machine fire and remind ourselves that it's worth it. i promise you, it might be. it might be worth taking the bullet.

Hang in there...

2009-10-04T20:16:00.008+02:00

It is now 2 months till I see my sizzle!
(this is what us kid sisters do - proudly and randomly post pictures of our sisters just to embarass them - followed by some serious eye rolling)

MAH MAH!

2009-10-04T20:01:00.002+02:00

Il y a des choses difficiles à expliquer, et, alors, on s'en prend à la destinée.

2009-10-04T19:57:00.001+02:00

2009-10-04T18:52:00.017+02:00

I said it before, and I'll say it again - The heart, in all its glory, is deceitful above all things.

We've all been there. A few relationships here, a couple of half-serious flings there, some half-serious may-have-beens and so on....You name it.

No matter which of these you been through, you too at some point, have promised yourself never to repeat the same mistakes you once made -Those unnecessary, hurtful irrational words, or destructive behaviour, the sudden dark cloud in the sky which could terminate the irreversible.

Yeah, after so many relationships, we should know better. Yet we do the same or similar mistakes.

We may avoid the big traps, but we tend to forget that traps are everywhere and will always be there to test our character and strength.

We tend to forget that, even feelings have a dark side. And that alone, is a dangerous combination if not dealt with carefully. So many bad decisions have been made out of impulse, which sometimes are irreversible.

In all honesty, who are we kidding? We will always have high expectations in ourselves and we will always have our moments where we will freak out - JUST LIKE THAT.

Sonner or later, the dark side of feelings will manifest themselves and we'll simply have no choice but to deal with them.

Feelings ARE irrational, complicated and double-sided as they always been. We create traps out of fear. We tend to see problems where there aren't any, just because we are all scared shitless (there is no other better way to describe it) of losing that person. Nobody likes living in uncertainty nor lacking some amount of control.

Traps will always be there to test the length of our character, and they will keep asking us the same damn question over and over again: 'Who do you want to be? The caterpillar or the butterfly?'

2009-10-04T14:16:00.000+02:00

2009-08-13T21:25:00.012+02:00

Unspoken words are invisible but they linger like faded perfume. An aroma of emotion that clings to your ear imploring you to listen, filling your mind with intangible dreams.

Words have always carried an important purpose. Wether it is to reach out, to shape and express feelings and thoughts into little words - descriptive, crucial & powerfully charged.

Words evoke reaction onto the ones we speak or write to. It's aim is to carry out what we have failed to express through body language. On the other hand, words can be incredibly limiting and therefore, prone for awry interpretation.

Unspoken words traps us into our own minds into a continuous uneasiness if we don't take the opportunity to say them.
Unspoken words carry remorse and leave inumerous questions unanswered.
Unspoken words are so powerful they change the outcome of your very own life sometimes.

And therefore silence sets barriers where"What if's?" are all we are left behind with.

So always keep your heart open, you got nothing to lose. Hold fast to the human inside of you, and you'll survive.

Those who risk, win

2009-08-13T21:16:00.002+02:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...

Dead butterflies can't fly..

2009-07-30T02:04:00.006+02:00

On veut trop être quelqu'un.
Henri MICHAUX, Plume, postface

2009-07-30T00:06:00.009+02:00

Lessons learnt

I am actually quite reserved as a person. This may come as a surprise to a few, but those who know me well, know I have my safety walls around me. However, this past year has taught me to let my guard down a tad. Risk a little, live a little.

A year where I had to isolate myself from family and all-things-related-to-Sweden, although I am well aware I have damaged my relation to them to an extent.

I let myself lose myself in a foreign environment, in order to find myself again. I felt like a wild animal aimlessly roaming free. What a feeling....what a rush!

My former "I would never" turned into "Well ok, I'll try this and see where it takes me.."

Most of the outcomes hurt me deeply. Afterall, I am a deliberate emotional masochist, and that is ok - because now I know what I want, and do not want in my life. The older we get, the pickier we get too...thankfully.

Taking an example from one of my experiences: I've shared great moments with les gars in France. Moments I will never forget. But on the other hand, It is scaringly easy to fake intimacy & utter sweet nothings into that person ears, making the moment less.....genuine.
Hard is to commit and take the time to really see the person and fully love them for who they are, and not the idea of who you expect them to be as you put them on that unrealistic pedestal.

There is simply no space in my life for futilities anymore. Gone are the days of investing on empty promises and holding on to criterias of how things should be. Because things will never turn out the way you want them to. Everything follows its own direction, and so it will always be.

So yes, It is a great feeling to challenge oneself, and I advice you to do so as often as you can. Constantly breaking barriers, letting go of that safety net a little, takes you to places you never thought you'd go - and all of that, within yourself. No plane ticket needed.

Oh, the places you'll see.....

2009-07-25T16:15:00.014+02:00

Au revoir, for now.

It's done. I have left my beloved country of France and returned to Sweden. The safety net that kindly took me under its wings for 10 months. 10 months of intense, perspective-changing, core-shaking months. Positive and negative experiences - but necessary experiences nonetheless.

Who I was before, Is a vague and blurry memory in my mind. Who I am now, I am slowly exploring......Slowly landing on the ground, my heart both smiles and cries. A mix of bittersweet, nostalgic feelings. What has been, will never return. However, the essence will eternally live within me. It was the fire I needed to feed inside of me. My wake up call - A direction, a feeling, a perspective.

I know what I want & I know where I want to be. I am nervous, aprehensive but excited for what is to come.

Thank you France, and to all the wonderful people I met there.

"Partir, partir, pourquoi vouloir partir? Partir, sans savoir si l'on va revenir. Parfois l'on part, sans savoir où l'on va. Parfois partir n'est pas ce que l'on croit. Partir pour fuir ses responsabilitées, ou partir pour plus de facilitées...."

Home is where the heart is

2009-06-05T13:45:00.004+02:00

Trago dentro do meu coração, como num
cofre que se não pode fechar de cheio, todos os lugares onde estive. Todos os portos em quais cheguei. Todas as paisagens que vi através de janelas ou vigias. Ou de tombadilhos, sonhando. E tudo isso, que é tanto, é pouco para o que eu quero.
Não sei se a vida é pouco ou demais para mim. Não sei se sinto de mais ou de menos. Não sei se me falta escrúpulo espiritual, ponto-de-apoio na inteligência. Cruzo os braços sobre a mesa e ponho
a cabeça sobre os braços...Que há de ser de mim? Que há
de ser de mim?

2009-06-05T13:44:00.009+02:00

France

Partir! Nunca voltarei, nunca voltarei...porque nunca se volta. O lugar a que se volta é sempre outro. A gare a que se volta é outra. Já não está a mesma gente, nem a mesma luz, nem a mesma filosofia.

Partir! Meu Deus, partir! Tenho medo de partir!...

2009-06-03T08:50:00.005+02:00

"Margit and I don´t look like sisters...not right away. Not the way you can tell with Anna and Karin who have the same fat popsicle lips like everybody else in their family. But me and Margit, we are more alike than you would know. Our laughter for example. Not the shy ice cream bells´giggle of Anna and Karin´s family, but all of a sudden and surprised like a pile of dishes breaking. And other things I can´t explain. One day we were passing by a house that looked, in my mind, like the houses I had seen in Brazil. I don´t know why. There was something about the house that looked exactly like the houses I remember. I´m not even sure why I thought it, but it seemed to feel right. "Look at the house" - I said - "it looks like Brazil". Anna and Karin looked at me like I was crazy, but before they could let out a laugh, Margit says: "Yes, that´s Brazil all right...that´s what I was thinking exactly."

by Becca (my sister who I miss so much - te amo pra sempre...)

2009-05-16T17:37:00.002+02:00

"Credulous at best your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men. But pull your head on out of your hippie haze and give a listen, shouldn't have to say it all again - The universe is hostile, so impersonal. Devour to survive so it is, so it's always been .."

2009-05-15T13:49:00.005+02:00

Same place, yet not at the same time

I am thinking about timing and everything it beholds.
Like I have written on an earlier post, the hardest thing for me to do is not having control, and letting things naturally take its course.

Often times have I been a "victim"of bad timing. It seems to be a constant happening in my life and most time it has to do with people I meet.

For example, I usually meet amazing people right before a departure. Like everything has a best-before date within 2-3 months. This has occured to me not once but twice in 2008!

Or! When I have met people at the exact WRONG time and things did not work out because it was too fast, too soon..

Before, I would completely freak out by the fact that something good had to end. Now, I still freak out, but with the feeling that everything happens in its right time and place. It is meant to be this way and no other. It is as simple as that.

(Now don't get me wrong, I will surely have a substantial crisis right before boarding that plane to Stockholm)

When you "lose" something, you gain something else. Life goes on - new opportunities, new experiences, new perspectives, new friends, new loves, a new home or even a new country.

On the other hand, the excruciating part is the one where you can't help but wonder - "What if? What if things turned out differently? What if I had stayed longer? Would it have changed the outcome? Would I have taken another path?"
I guess it is naturally a part of the human psyche to torture oneself with such questions.

Personally talking about France, I would have liked to stay longer. Easily. But I know that deep down, I will come back. And I will stay here - when the time is right.
Everything before that - i.e going back to Sweden and sorting out so many things, will unfold itself as it may. That too, has to run its course. That too, has to be solved. I realize I cannot move on without solving certain problems.

France, for the long haul.
(for now, just a dream - but a dream nonetheless!)

2009-05-10T20:12:00.010+02:00

PDS

Closing my long overdue past ♥ chapters which refused to die in me - one by one. Some people simply can't coexist in my world. For now, I can't find any other better solution than to cut you completely out of my life.

Goodbye, and perhaps I'll meet you again. But if fate is kind, then I will not.

xx
Potra ♥

2009-05-09T18:23:00.003+02:00

Friends gathered at our former favorite bar "Carrefour" in Aix.
(January 2009 - time is flying!!!!!! Arrete..)

2009-05-09T17:33:00.004+02:00

"Trop de raison tue la passion, trop de passion tue la raison "

Logic is rough against the gear of emotion - so learn to use both...

2009-04-30T22:50:00.005+02:00

Further impressions in the southern blue

Further impressions in the southern blue

One considerable big change i have noticed in myself since my move to France must have been the way I dealt with things.

I have become impulsive in my actions without taking into account how others may perceive them, getting me into a lot of trouble. It is just too easy to fall into these tricky traps.

Impulse is a dangerous thing. It is the utter most, strongest desire that lies in our core and that, at times, must be kept under reins. Although some of our impulses may be well intended, it doesn't mean it will be perceived as a positive thing in the eyes of others - especially if it affects them.

I believe these changes have taken place for the fact that in Sweden i lived in a less adventurous atmosphere. It was 'safe' and less challenging. In my 9 years of Swedish cultural experience, I found Swedes to be quite mundane.

In many aspects, France feels more like home than Sweden ever did to me. I hope with every bone in my body, that I can return here for good in the near future.

On another note, France brought me a wide awakening - and even though I might have gone a little overboard in past behavior, it is part of the adaptation process. The cultural differences are unavoidable.

Doubtlessly I have grown up during my time here, and even though I been hurt and very disappointed, I would have done it all over again. I am a bit of a masochist, like that.

For those who have followed my blog writing know that I have a tendency to think too much and write a lot on personal subjects. .Afterall, I don't write for others. What I write over here is very personal, and may be shocking for many, but this is just the way I am - sans bullshit. I have nothing to hide and I don't care if my honesty may give people the wrong impression of me. Those who know me, understand...Plus, I am constantly judged the wrong way anyway, but that does not matter anymore. I stopped caring.

Moreover, I am learning to avoid things that are bad for me, finding what makes me happy. Simplifying and filtering away all the bullshit, to be more specific. I am only learning RIGHT NOW how to handle my nature. Before I believed there was something wrong in my character, but now I see that it had nothing to do with me - it was the choices I made and the situations i put myself in. I searched for deception. Over and over. A risky pattern. At a certain point, one grows tired, soooo very tired.

I am up for a whole lot of things, and I will always be a little 'crazy' but now I handle everything with a bit of positive skepticism. Now I just need to learn how to control my impulses with certain things.

There is still so much I want to experience. A luau during sunset in the calanques with my friends, is one of them.

Lets make these last couple of months memorable...and to say the least, ROYALLY kick ass :)

2009-04-28T08:10:00.001+02:00

The Aixchange friends

:)

2009-04-28T06:45:00.009+02:00

It's good to be back!

HTML clipboard

Its been a while since i last blogged! My last post was written in the beginning of my french journey, so now it is about time for me to keep it up again.

This blog is about 4 years old. I have thought of starting a new one, but there is too much history in this one to simply let go of it, even though when I read my old posts I feel like that is another version of me I no longer can relate to. I've grown up and become less naiv. Thankfully.

Now back to the UPDATE!

I couldnt bring myself to write for so long as my experiences here have drained me of energy to keep on writting. Soooo much has changed since i last posted something here. How a year abroad can mold and change a person...

My french AIXPERIENCE journey has been good so far. A rollercoaster of sensations. Being a foreigner, living in a temporary dream world where the culture is different than yours makes you question a lot of things and most importantly, people dont see you as who you really are. You got to adapt quickly, otherwise you'll feel tangled in an endless lost in translation spider web.

Being categorized as a foreigner here certainly gives the people I meet a different idea of who I am. Automatically I am placed in a category, in a subconscious way obviously. I have constantly been battling with who I was pre-France, who I am right now and who I am becoming. Questioning, questioning, questioning......

I feel like I have lost a little of myself in the process which I am sure happens to most of us who go abroad.

Ive always maintained a balance of naivity and realist in me. Ive always known what I wanted but this country has doubtlessly made me question a lot of things. On the other hand, life would be pretty dull if we always remained the same and non-evolving.

Throughout life we will be constantly put to the test, endure the good and the bad. Sometimes we will feel left behind, sometimes we will be ahead of the game. If we dont put ourselves out there, we will never learn. Because in fact, everything we will ever need will always be outside our comfort zone. I strongly believe in this.

Its times like these you learn to live again. Its times like these you give and give and give.......

«Still loving la vie en bleu!»

2008-10-07T04:19:00.002+02:00

Moments

Wifeys dancing on bar counter @ La Be
Sept. 08

2008-10-07T03:21:00.008+02:00

The Aixperience so far...

A few weeks into my year abroad in France, I am finally settling into all things french. Now it really does feel that this is my home, and there is no return ticket to Sweden. Funny feeling.
I am enjoying my stay, and I am incredibly lucky and thankful to have gotten here. Some people know how important this is to me.

My weeks have been filled with intense outings, moments of lost in translation, cultural clashes and cosy studiy evenings at the tea house/shisha bar. There is so much to take in. So many new faces, internal jokes, photos, moments, conversations, songs and so on...Everything is a new impression and a new memory.

But its at this very period after the moment one has finally settled, is when reality kicks in.
Out with the old, in with the new. A new life or a complete new start. We are all in it for different reasons and different quests.

My past is still in my present, for the fact that i do not consider it my past in the first place. It is very much alive, like a fire burning inside. And it is my choice, afterall. I cannot, nor will I simply switch it off.

We certainly die many small deaths throughout life but I beg any higher force to keep this one alive.

I am beginning to miss the familiar. I miss sunday breakfast at home with my family for example, and failing royally in getting my sister out of bed.

There is a certain soothing feeling that goes along with the daily routine I lived in Sweden. I know this is simply a common phase everyone goes through as they move abroad, though.

I miss the affection and the closeness I have with certain people who are far away now. I need a hug, and anybodies hug here wont quite do it for me. So I lay in my new bed, hoping this phase will soon pass...

Surely I dont miss certain things, but I do feel like I am lacking an important piece.

One of the biggest mysteries in life for me, is that It will never make any sense to me as into why should good things end. It is a death that refuses to die in me.

As the weeks and months come along, things will get better and eventually I will find inner peace in this foreign country. However, none of this will ever come close nor be able to compete in the same category as what you gave me, P. You definetly appeared in my life when I least expected and you taught me so much; I am not sure you are aware.

I would change all of this, in a heart beat, if i could have you in my life, other than virtually.
I want January now! Can you blame me?

I rely that time will give me the answers that I search, and that sometimes we really do have to take a day at a time and enjoy what is given to us.
This experience is temporary; some people are not.

Everything in its right time, everything in its right place. I truly believe in this.

SAUDADES, PORRA! Mas eu aguento...

Bonne nuit et a tout!

2008-10-01T16:29:00.009+02:00

This is what you represent to me:

A piece of Brazil & a piece of Sweden combined into a warm wandering soul of a wolf.
Sweetly mixed together, creating a private universe within you.......

which evokes a great impact in the private universe within me.

2008-09-27T17:48:00.008+02:00

HOME

Sitting on a friday night in my bed while writing without any real purpose, in the most old fashioned way possible - with a piece of paper and a pen.
However, this time I am in my new home in the city center of Aix-En-Provence in the southernest of France. Plus belle la vie!!!!!!

I have forgotten how fulfilling it is in simply taking an easy night in on a friday night.

I SHOULD be out, like 98% of the population of Aix, but I decided that i SHOULD not anything but what I really felt like doing - being the resting 2%. At home.

I think the word SHOULD should be banned from our vocabulary. That word carries such an anguishing negative conotation that I see no point in adopting it into my life, other than bringing more stressy anguish and pressure?

I am in the height of my youth, with many possiblities ahead, and many decisions to make.
Constantly divided by 2 home countries, constantly questioning where home really is. Constantly being questioned by parents. CONSTAAAANTLY!!!!!

Is the grass really greener on the other side or are we preconditioned by a insatiable society to always be on the search? I wonder..

It is not the jobs we will get nor the amount of digits in our paycheck that will give us the answer. I am sure it does affect to a certain extent but it is certainly not the main factor.

For me, home is where the heart is. As we heard it all before... When you have your friends and their support, when you feel like you have the freedom to do whatever the hell you want, when you feel like you are always evolving and learning..
Simply when the shit hits the fan; and you know you will have your friends right there to clean up the mess...

During the short moments of happiness I have felt, I was surrounded by real friends, in a country which let me make my own choices and which gave me the freedom to do whatever I felt like doing. In a country where I biked home at 4am and watched the odd 2am sunrise, without feeling scared of biking home alone and breathing the freshest of airs. I remember biking home and simply being happy and complete. I am not sure I was aware of it then. Small details i always took for granted - funny how 2 weeks abroad can bring some perspective. France is the time-out I greatly need. I have been fighting too long with Sweden and thanks to my sister I am slowly understanding that it isnt all that bad ( other than the crappy nordic weather ). Maybe stepping out for a while is all I really need to figure it out.....

It doesnt take much to grasp happiness. One simply has to be aware of the suttle details of our every day because it can easily disappear if you dont acknowledge it. And just like that you will end up in the 98% bracket.

I really do hope I make peace with Sweden and figure where I will finally settle. Adventures abroad are great, but it isnt sustainable in the long run. In the end, I will want be close to the people that matter, in a country of possibilities, not obstacles. Is that realistic?

I may be unstable, chaotic, confused, mutable, up in the clouds and so on. But I will never be what others such as family expect me to be. Afterall, its in my chaotic, all over the place - nature that I find all the answers I will ever need to lead my own life..and in the shape of things to come.

como tudo deve ser..

2008-09-27T17:03:00.016+02:00

SONHO

Verao Festa Encontro Olhar Caipirinha [plancton?] Musica a dois Conexao Beijo Azul calcinha Abraco Sorriso Sabor Fragrancia Cafe Comentarios lesados Brasil Suecia Sonho de valsa Laca Garoto Apelidos Leite de soja Forro Shisha Flogsta Fotos Luz vermelha Felicidade Baseado Patrickianismo Sobremesa! Despedida Angustia Medo Tristeza Preocupacao Carinho Lagrimas Coracao pequeno Perda Saudades Vazio.

.....fim?

nao queria.

2008-08-08T01:06:00.009+02:00

Here we go again..

There were many moments in my short life so far where I felt like a little bird locked up in a cage not being able to spread my wings and fly away whenever and wherever I want to and without limitations.

I once read somewhere for which I probably will never forget : "True freedom is only when you realize that the only person who is limiting you is yourself."

We often love to victimize ourselves and complain about the situations we find ourselves in, when in fact, we are quite aware we have put ourselves in that position. Nobody can be that naiv. We know the consequences of our actions.

Shit.

I don't want to say goodbye!

Now i have to face a situation which is all too repeating for me. Sigh..

In certain ways I am old fashioned. I don't like having to give up the things and people that I like. I don't like experiencing things which i know have a best-before-date, because in that way, I can't really enjoy it to its fullest. It isn't natural. It is exactly the same feeling as when a kid is starring into that candy store but can't get in. It's right there, in front of you, yet you can't have it.

But we are human, and we can't help but putting our hearts out there.

Often times we have to be shaped into things we are not, in order to adapt to what we are dealing with. We aren't really entitled to feel anger and bitterness. Such is life. But when it comes to feelings, that is when everything becomes rather complicated.

I can count in one palm how many people who truly moved me, who truly mattered.

"I am here, without a best-before-date, for time unlimited... unknown."

2008-07-30T22:32:00.008+02:00

Suspiros de Verão

Esperava que não fosse

só mais uma paixão

um desses amores de verão

tenues e sem duração

esperava que fosse de verdade...

como toda força e raridade

com toques de fantasia e ilusão

esperava mesmo... de coração

Sentia-se bem na vida solitária...

e os poucos dias sem companhia

se tornaram vazios e sem sentido

faltava-lhe algo, faltava-lhe ele

em nada se parecia com uma paixão

daquelas que desaparece no fim do verão...

suspiros, sorrisos e assovios

sentira-se bem com aquela sensação

2008-07-27T02:07:00.010+02:00

Randy Pausch

The sad yet inevitable has happened..Randy Pausch has passed away.

The former professor at Carnegie Mellon was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and became an Internet sensation after his inspirational Last Lecture

became viral on YouTube.

His famous "Last Lecture" lasts a good 1hr and 16minutes. So please, whenever you find the time, watch this video.

His story brought me to tears and I promise it is not yet another Oprah mundain tear-jerker story. This is one of those stories everybody should simply know of. We all need a little bit of stardust....

For all of you who are furthely interested in Randy's story, he has come out with a book called "The Last Lecture" and its a hell of a bestseller.

You can get it on Amazon through this link: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251

"The Last Lecture" on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

His story @ Diane Sawyer Interview - A must see!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZbOQqtDAW0 (part1)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDIf4D4SQFo&feature=related (part2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O8FvH_k2k4&feature=related (part3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2HWTrDTsv0&feature=related (part4)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSx-AB4JhvQ&feature=related (part5)

R.I.P Randy

2008-07-27T01:29:00.008+02:00

We are in control - until we are not

Lots of the things we learn throughout life becomes "common knowledge". Therefore, many things that should be obvious and quite simple to us, does take a while to sink in for some of us.

I've lately observed my change in behaviour for the simple fact that I wanted to understand why I was/am feeling the way i was/am.

When I am not put in any strain nor in situations where there is too much emotional charge, I feel much more control over how I feel. I begin to lead myself into a stable, slowly care-free path.

The emotions and irrational behaviour are put behind bars and I can finally breath without feeling any sign of anxiety.

And that's when I feel like I have the control, and that nothing can possibly change my gained harmonious frame of mind.

However. When reality makes itself reminded, resurfacing all of those emotions I couldn't grasp control of, I return to a chaotic state of mind, and all that stability I had built falls apart.

It brings back the unanswered questions, the uneasy sadness, the quicksand feeling and that time is ticking. Worse of all, is that unfortunately, sometimes we can't affect the outcome, and let things be just the way they are. There is only so much we can do about certain things anyway.

Hoping for the best. Or actually, no, not hoping. Hoping only leads to more sadness and expectations, fake expectations that is.

There is only one way of controling chaos, and that is to let it run its course. It is always there for a reason.

2008-07-24T11:31:00.003+02:00

I totally agree!

2008-07-15T00:55:00.005+02:00

Reflections

I failed to see the truth behind what I already knew. I crunched the numbers and data, I've compiled the thoughts and knowledge but didn't know what to do with them. "The knowledge without love is a burden to heart." Love or heart, essence or realization, I have carried the burden of truth for far too long without letting it reflect on my existence. What was essential was invisible to my eyes and my thoughts. I always only realize when it's all too late to rewrite history.

Strange times.

I have no power whatsoever, no say so, nor can I play the game by my own rules. I feel completely helpless.

It is what it is. Nothingness...

Tidsfördriv, kanske, men var är min själ i hela denna sammanhang?

Jag tror jag tappat bort mig själv på vägen.

2008-07-06T03:45:00.005+02:00

Meu brasileirinho

Just for the record, I haven't forgotten you, Lobinho.

You appeared in my life very unexpectedly and you certainly brought colour to my life. I hope that wherever the winds will take us, we shall never lose contact. I am missing you already and you haven't even left yet.

Why did we have to meet so late??

I'll carry with me those small moments we shared. Thank you.

You matter to me, my 1001 utilidades, forno, xuxu, potro, potranco..........

It's been wonderful and crazy getting to know you.

Volta logo, vai..

2008-07-06T03:10:00.005+02:00

Pause

Taking a step back and reevaluating a current dilemma. I am pressing the pause button, in order to feel what's the best decision for me.

At the moment, my decisions fluctuate towards both opposites every other hour, leaving me all the more puzzled.

No big decisions, alright? However, big to the heart.

What does it want? Or more importantly, what does it need?

I don't know what to do.

Pause.

2008-07-02T03:25:00.004+02:00

It's a Labbit world

Today, a huge box arrived here at home. It was a surprise from Becca & Niclas which I had not expected, but which has made me utterly happy.

I got the NOTORIOUS Labbit, designed by Frank Kozik (see http://kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=1417) which I had spotted a few weeks ago in the middle of Niclas belongings.

It was love at first sight and now I have to have the entire collection or I won't be able to rest!!!!

I must say though, mom looked in awe at me, wondering why a little toy was so appealing in my eyes.

Thank you, my loves!!!!!!!!! You made my day, and I feel oh so spoiled by you - so a "oooh you didn't have tooooooo-look" with a blush on my face , to you:)

I have the best sister and brother-in-law in the world.

You and the Labbit are up there in the ranking.

Promise.

AMO!

2008-07-02T02:36:00.003+02:00

I was supposed to be her

There she was. Staring back at me with her beautiful glowing face, embracing her beautiful boyfriend.

There was the picture which finally surfaced on my page. Long have I awaited for this moment - To put a face on the girl who took my supposed place.

I was supposed to be on that picture.

I expected to feel worse than I really did. I don't feel like I was "supposed" to anything really, but we always picture ourselves next to that special person, that one person who we exchanged secrets, hopes, smiles, jokes & opened our hearts with. That little seed never got to see the light. Somewhere along the line it got killed.

To top it off, I could not bring myself to hate her. Not even dislike anything about her look, because she did look nice. Not the good-looking sort of nice, simply genuine in her eyes.

It is funny how none of them probably have any idea how their pictures made me feel as I stared back at their picture-perfect Kodak photos.

I am not sad, but I am not jumping in joy either. I no longer feel grief.

I just can't help but wonder - "It could have been me. Once upon a time, I REALLY wanted it to be me."

Bless the miracle of time, which has sedated that awful rejecting feeling I once carried, and which will always resurface one way or the other.

Honestly, ok.

It's fine.

We can all relate, right?

2008-07-02T01:56:00.004+02:00

Nausea

Let's give this a try and write down all these thoughts on my imaginary blog papper.

Before I get started, let me tell you that I have been having this uneasy feeling inside. I don't know exactly what is cooking up in my brain, but I have avoided posting my latest thoughts over here.

I am not sure If I am judging myself before hand and avoiding this situation, or If I am simply feeling missunderstood by the ones who read my posts. So I just let it be.

Let me remind you that, I have never had a problem on being brutally honest on my blog. But now, I've hit a dead-end street.

Nothing out of the extraordinary has happened, nor have I reached any remarkable milestone.

Maybe I am the type who eternally remains in a twilight zone.

I don't feel like anything I write down makes any sense, and the people who know me may also see me in a complete different light than what the reality really depicts. THIS, scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. On the other hand, maybe I don't want to see my own reflection through my words being written at this very moment. I think I have reached a point where I am in my own island and yet I have no GPS to find my way around here.

I feel that I should not be what I am at this point in my life. I feel way too young for my age and the whole idea where I believed I was a very open person does not make justice to my reality.

Have I really shut you out, my friends? I feel like I am hiding, yet I have nothing to hide. Why have this uneasy feeling been lurking around for so long?

I am not exactly sure If i succeeded in throwing up my nauseating thoughts, but this is all I manage to get out of the system.

For now, It's all I got, till I figure if all of this is an issue I have with myself or with how the rest of the world sees. Am I on to something here?

Quero, terei. Se não aqui, Noutro lugar que inda não sei. Nada perdi. Tudo serei. —Pessoa

2008-07-01T01:15:00.001+02:00

For my wifey

original version skee-lo " I WISH"

(warning for internal joke)

I wish I was little bit spammer,

I wish I was a waller

I wish I had a french who looked hot

I would call him loullipop

I wish I had a starbucks latte in a bag with an elle mag

and a '51 pastis-ala

I wish I was like 5 Loullipop

So I could get with best thing ever since sushi-lou

Cause she don't know me but yo she's really fine

You know I see her all the time / on facepoo

Everywhere I go, and even in my notifications

I can scheme of ways to make her my wifey

Cause I know she's livin ferosh

Her boyfriend's 2 housemates

So how am I gonna compete with that

'Cause when it comes to playing fountain proposals

I'm always last to be picked

And in some cases never picked at all

So I just lean upon the wall

Or sit up in the bleachers with the rest of the friends for sale friends

Who came to watch their lou.

2008-06-16T01:09:00.008+02:00

Pra minha irmã..

Diz alguem que a despedida nada
custa ao coracao
Quem tal diz que se despeca e verá
se custa ou nao?

Ó triste segunda-feira da
semana que há de vir
O meu amor diz que embarca, quem o
há de ver sair?

Nesta cruel
despedida
Diz, amor, que hei de
fazer?
Levar-te nao é
possivel
Deixar-te nao pode
ser ..

Se fossem pedras as
lagrimas
Que eu por ti tenho
chorado,
ja formavam um
castelo
no centro do mar
salgado.

- Jaime Cortesão

2008-06-09T16:56:00.003+02:00

Encontros e desencontros..

Dear blog (how cheesy does THAT sound?)
It’s been a while since i last wrote, and a lot has happened ever since.
During this period, my sister came to Sweden for a visit, my Swedish cousin got married , I Turned 25, and just a few days ago my beloved Greek friends returned to their country.

Firstly, I am thriller that my sister is here. It feels like she never left, but at the same time it hurts to acknowledge the fact that she is soon returning to Brazil. Farewells have never been my forte. Every summer it’s a farewell, and it hits me hard every time. How can I love someone so much? How can I carry on being completely happy if she is not around? I can’t…

On another note, I finally met Niclas (for real) - and that was such a pleasant and warm surprise. I Think Becca & Niclas are like 2 jellybeans in a goody bag - Sweet, funny and oh so colorful. I don’t want to seem like an intrusive & clingy extended family, but I wish we could hang out more!

Just the other day, I turned 25. It hasn’t quite hit me yet, but the number 25 carries a heavy connotation. I am not sure I fit into the “25” mold just yet. 25 briefly means to me a 5 years to 30 its now or never grow up get a grip of your life you cant get away with student discounts for so much longer. And your regenerative cells are about to slow down and its down hill from here don’t forget your night cream.

I have always been the kid in the family, that is my role and it’s always been a part of my persona, I am the young looking one, the one most don’t take seriously, the one who gets comments such as: “You look like you’re 19, 20 tops!” . I’ve accepted that. Yes, it is a part of me, but it isn’t entirely me. I am so much more, as are all my siblings. There is so much more to them, and I wish I knew them better outside the family role.

Furthermore, my wonderful Greek friends have left Uppsala. We spent a great farewell outdoor “party”, and a few hrs later we took them to the airport. I honestly didn’t think I would have gotten this sad, because I have experienced this the exact period last year, with Lolo, Andrew & the French . Nothing will ever beat the sadness I felt last year as I saw them depart, but this year, it hurts as well, and I feel so much love for these people , even though I met a few just about a month ago). It feels like we still have so much to experience together, to get to know each other more thoroughly. I am looking forward to this.

On the other hand, I will be seeing my Greek malakas in about 7 weeks!!!!!!!!! I am flying to Greece for 2 weeks and It is such a nice feeling to meet the ones who you shared your life for 6 months with, in another set, in another world. That is when you know the friendship has lasted beyond an Erasmus program.

This is the story of my life, all the ones who matter to me live abroad (most of them) - and I wish I had a more stable social life, but It is how it is. It’s hard to live this way, and it’s about time for things to change. It’s time for me to be the one who leaves as well….Let it be France, Greece, Brazil or Colombia……There is so much freedom in this country, and that Is one thing I highly appreciate and will definitely take advantage of. So for now I have no roots, nor do I know where I really want to be. I wish I could study in Greece and be with my friends, I wish I could be in Brazil and be with my sizzle and experience our country together and make fun of the most mundane things. I wish I was with Alfie in Colombia, because despite of our awful break up, we still feel like things have been left unfinished. I wish I was in France, a country which I have grown to admire and feel a connection with…… I wish I knew which was best for me.

On another note, my cousin got married this past 24th of May in Stockholm. This was definitely a twilight zone for me. Am I next? Should I be next? Do I want to be next? No. I don’t think so. I am such a nomad soul at the moment that I don’t think I will be experiencing anything soul shaking in the next 2 years at least - there is simply no space for this, only if I met a nomad like me.

I was truly happy to see him wed his genuinely nice wife, Madeleine. The wedding was fantastic and his brothers speech almost made me cry, because I know that some day I will be standing up there giving a speech to my sister, Becca, and I will completely shake like the funky chicken, cry my heart out as if the world was ending, Mexican soap opera- style of course. Oh, how dreadful!!!!!!! (yet so sweet, if I manage to finish a whole sentence without looking like a hot mess). I am already mentally preparing myself for this event .

For now, I have one last week with my sizzle, and I will not think of the sadness that will dawn upon me as she leaves, because it will spoil the great days and nights we will spend together. I will handle that after she’s gone. But for now, too many unflattering pictures will be taken, too many pointless videos will be shot, too much alcohol will provide a great level of A.D.D and the occasional random comments will have us laughing for years to come…

Life's exactly that. Encounters and disencounters. Sometimes we miss eachother, sometimes we are separated, then intertwined once again...

For now, one part of my heart cries, to the other one that smiles…

2008-05-15T23:54:00.006+02:00

There is nothing left to lose

I'm thinking about how I just want to open up and give and give and give. And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?" I only want it to begin.
I'm thinking about desire. I've had to learn how to sin successfully. I'm thinking about bliss, and bliss is all dressed up. And there's no one to dance with... I'm in a foreign country and I'm waiting for a sign that it's ok for you to care, cause I'm not going anywhere. And while you wonder if you should let me in, I only want it to begin... I'm still singing...Twisting new melodies, breaking arrangements. Thinking about my heart. ..I guess you've heard, sometimes it's heavy. But I just keep moving..

Love's always worth the risk, no matter the outcome.......
Nothing is pointless.
Ever.

2008-05-01T19:48:00.006+02:00

Vision of heaven

Go to the rooftop on a sunset and listen to this song on the highest volume.....

http://hypem.com/track/523570

Magic.

2008-04-28T05:11:00.005+02:00

Anja & Ale doing a hilarious fashion show/theater play in the living room.
I love this one picture...!

Zurich
April 2008

2008-04-28T03:52:00.014+02:00

You decide your own fate

For the past 1 year and a half I have experienced all sorts of love catastrophies. It feels like I have been having a love affair with the world abroad.

I would like to believe I have done my best, but now I am beginning to question If I have actually taken a roll in my own life or merely left "destiny to show me the way".

Have I done all I could? Was I part of the public or did I take a leading part in my own story?

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I used to find it to be a soothing philosophy which got me through the difficulties I came across, but now I find myself quite fed up with the fact that I cannot sit and wait for life to happen to me or even less, feel sorry for myself.

We are the sum of our decisions, and what is to come is a result of our actions. It is as simple as that.

Of all the persons I have met, I only knew one who could have given it all up for me. He didn't see obstacles, but possibilities. Solutions, not problems. However, I royally burned my bridges with that one. My comet.

Of course I did.....

I think of my sister when I get myself into these situations - when I meet lovely people but who are not from Sweden, or who are not here to stay. And she took a leap of faith and left the country for a boy. Her smile let's me know it was all worth it. This brings me hope, and inspiration......

I know this is something very people do, but you decide your own fate. Sometimes you fail, sometimes you succeed. If you don't dedicate yourself to it, what can you possibly expect back? Destiny won't happen to you. It surely is a nice thought, and I do believe hope is a strong source of energy which keeps us going, but it isn't enough.

I guess what takes people like this to take such huge chances is that they have simply met the right person who is worth the risk and of course, who have a different life philosophy than most of us have - they don't let the obstacles get in the way, and above all, they listen to their intuition. Rarely do I meet people who listen to their own intuition.
I myself have been in that situation. I couldn't possibly have moved overseas, but if both are at least in the same continent, I wouldn't turn my back on the opportunity to fight for it.

Some of us don't have a strong enough character to put so much effort into these matters, which for me, is one of the biggest tragedies in life. But such are people. We are all different.

I am not naiv and I am quite scared myself, but I haven't met anyone but 1 who has a stubborn will power like me. I know it's anything but easy, but I'd rather suffer and try, than live wondering over the eternal "what if's". Unfortunately, it does take 2 to tango to make anything work.

As i am left with no other choice than wait, hoping that "destiny" shall bring me to you. And even that is an uncertainty. This goes against all my beliefs.

Remember, this is my psychobabble blog which I use for therapeutical purposes ONLY, so please don't expect this to make any sense at all........

This too, shall pass... But for now, I chose to keep you in my heart until there is no hope left.

/ little γάτα

2008-04-28T03:50:00.002+02:00

Take one boy from the South,
And one girl from the North
Put them in a large bowl,
But don’t let them touch yet.

Add two computers with a dash of Instant Messenger,
Two cell phones,
And two webcams.
Whisk together.

Stir in a pinch of inside jokes,
Three heaping cupfuls of laughter,
And two hearts.

Mix in 1/3 teaspoon of longing,
1/3 teaspoon of loneliness
And ¾ of a cup of like.

Now blend in a plane ticket,
Five tablespoons of syrupy anxiety,
And a generous shake of shyness.

Gently fold in twenty chocolate kisses,
And thirty sweet-smelling hugs.
Add as much as you like, to taste.

Set the timer to “Warm”
And bake until pink and golden.
Then coat the top with a layer of love,
Sprinkled with insecurity.

2008-04-19T02:12:00.002+02:00

Switzerland, here I come!

It's 2am in the morning and I have just finished packing for my trip down to Switzerland for some down time with family & for some snowboarding.
I will be away until the 27th, hopefully you won't miss me too much :) (I am guessing not, as no one EVER comments on my posts - bad, bad people!!!)

A few shout outs:

I'd like to wish a happy birthday to Kostis aka DOULOS as well, who has his birthday today =(^..^)= ; all my love to Louise (i know you are reading this, Aixchange star :)); to Alfie..always in my heart, and always your bucket!
And last but not least, my sister Rebecca, who is my everlasting inspiration...Longing to see you again in June. I can't possibly wait so much longer!!!!

Despite of all these emotional rollercoasters - which seem never ending, life is pretty good. I can't complain.
Just tired of having all these great friends and people I've been meeting so far away from me......It makes me sad, but on the other hand I am happy to have met them.

The light in the end of the tunnel may be temporarely shut down until further notice, but I'm still here - Hoping, fighting, living. (This sounds awfully pretentious but it's true for all of us)

Everything in its right time, everything in it's right place - right?

Good night world.

xoxo

/gitx

2008-04-18T02:53:00.002+02:00

Gitx and her 3 little greek malakas
Uppsala April 2008

2008-04-14T11:34:00.004+02:00

David Lachapelle

David Lachapelle is in Stockholm - ch..ch..cheeck it out!
Fotografiska museet @ Nacka Strand, 12 april – 11 may.

2008-04-13T12:26:00.002+02:00

The comet of my life

Alfie

2008-04-07T14:45:00.002+02:00

This song says it all. It's different, it's personal, it's like nothing else, really. And the lyrics speak by themselves. We can all relate to this one, can't we?

Soko- I'll kill her

So, of course, you were supposed to call me tonight
you were supposed to call me tonight
we would have gone to the cinema
and, after, to the restaurant, the one you like in your street

we would have slept together, have a nice breakfast together
and then a walk in a park together, how beautiful, and then
you would have said "i love you" in the cutest place on earth
where some butterflies are dancing with the fairies

i would have waited like a week or two
but you never tried to reach me
no, you never called me back
you were dating that bleach-blonde girl
if i find her, i swear, i swear...

i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

i would have met your friends, we would have had a drink or two
they would have liked me, 'cause sometimes i'm funny
i would have met your dad, i would have met your mum
she would have said "please, can you make some beautiful babies?"

so we would have had a boy called tom and a girl called susan, born in japan

i thought it was a love story, but you don't want to get involved
i thought it was a love story, but you're not ready for that ...

me neither. i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

she's a bitch you know, all she's got is blondeness
not even tenderness, yeah, she's cleverless
she'll dump your arse for a model called brendan
he will pay for beautiful surgery 'cause he's full of money

i would have waited like a week or two
but you never tried to reach me
no, you never called me back
you were dating that bleach-blonde girl
if i find her, i swear, you know, i swear, i swear ...

i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

man, i told you, you know, if i find her,
i really, i, i mean, i'll kill her, for real!
it's like for sure, you have to know, uh,
i mean, you know, i can do it, man,
i'll kill her.

2008-04-02T16:34:00.001+02:00

My favorite street wall in Aix-en-Provence

2008-03-24T23:47:00.004+01:00

Say cheeeeese!!!

The man, the myth, the legend..the cheese! Yes fellow readers - The man who gave a whole new meaning to "cheese" (and who is so far the only one worthy of that title) is comemorating his birthday today!!
So..a fierce -double -ferosh -with -kinder egg- on -top-birthday to my very important brother in law aka VIBIL.

June is just around the corner & I can't hardly wait with popping them champagne corks with the sizzle and the pickle...aaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

:)

Gitx of Brazil

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.

Brazil - blissful days in the sun

Il y a des choses difficiles à expliquer, et, alors, on s'en prend à la destinée.

"Partir, partir, pourquoi vouloir partir? Partir, sans savoir si l'on va revenir. Parfois l'on part, sans savoir où l'on va. Parfois partir n'est pas ce que l'on croit. Partir pour fuir ses responsabilitées, ou partir pour plus de facilitées...."

"Credulous at best your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men. But pull your head on out of your hippie haze and give a listen, shouldn't have to say it all again - The universe is hostile, so impersonal. Devour to survive so it is, so it's always been .."

Suspiros de Verão

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.
Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.
Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.