Through the haze

[Warning: This late night blabber may not make any sense to a number of readers. You've been warned.]

Emotional short circuit. Familiar, yet it brings me an uneasiness I can't quite describe. An uneasiness which reminds me that when it happens, I have to step back and think things over, digest, recharge, re-think - Time-out...

God, that word haunts me. Time-out. It has been present in my life in the past, but in a total different situation, which wasn't necesseraly handled with the most grace I've presenced. So let me tell you how to handle a "time-out", without the drama & the freak out, the best way I can.

Don't we all have those moments, when we are put in the spotlight, when we have to listen to our so called gut feeling, the moment we have to take action, where we have to try to maintain a sort of stability in the instability itself. However, the only reaction we can get out are those pathetic little sounds and movements the mouth is trying to shape, making us sound like complete retards but nothing, nothing comes out. No words, no nothing which can lead us forward. Paralysis kicks in.

Emotional short circuit.

This very occurrence has taught me that it doesn't necessarily have to carry a negative tone. The very contrary, it means that in the very moment when we become emotionally handicapped, that is when every sound we tried to evoke begins to shape into logical words. Maybe not right away, but the very action of stepping back and re-evaluating a situation means that everything that we are & our beliefs is put to the test. That is when personal growth comes into the picture - when we know exactly what to do about a certain situation. Because let's be honest, we are only human.
And it may be terribly selfish to step back and let the other person hang on every word we say, awaiting for a reaction, awaiting for a sign. Through pain comes growth. By doing things in it's right time and place, is the only ultimate solution, if you don't want to regreat your decisions.

OBS! As long as you DO NOT step all over the other person's hearts, walking away with silence thinking that that is an appropriate and satisfactory answer in itself, (because you know yourself you wouldn't want someone to treat you the very same way, now would you?)

Many people decide in the heat of a moment - during a fight, during that evening they listened to that terribly depressive song which made them write that overly dramatic letter which they regreated the minute they pressed "send", or by those moments where people simply give up without thinking it through, because of pride, fear of stepping out of their secure bubble of the familiar, insecurity - you name it. In the end, we are all people coming from different places. We are all mysterious to eachother, in the end of the day. We will never quite grasp the very essence of the other's soul. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a game, where the rolling dice decide our so called "destiny". There is only so much we can control.

I know where I stand, I know my morals and capabilities and I do know myself enough. But sometimes, when we are put in unfamiliar situations, all is questioned. Over and over and over again. Story of our lives, isn't it?

My very essence is untouched. I do have my own philosophy, just like you. I am a good person with good intentions, but I do know I am not flawless and that I may be wrong in my way of handling things. I know that very well.

Sometimes the philosophy we carry with ourselves has to be prepared and flexible for unexpected change. It's the only way to apply it to the life that is happening right in front of us (if you want to make sense of things). If you can't make it flexible and challenge it constantly, if you can't accept that sometimes your very philosophy may not be flawless and perfect, THEN! you missed out on the whole point..

However, sometimes I can't apply it to real life. Maybe because I wasn't in the right state of mind, maybe because I wasn't present enough in the first place in order to take action, or maybe because it wasn't the right person in the first place. I need to be fully present (and i don't mean physically), in order to live up to my philosophy - to take risks, go out of my own way for another person, regreat nothing, challenge, live and love to the point of ridiculousness.....

With the right person, I can be the best I'll ever be. If that person let's my heart express itself, I can make the impossible possible, and I can move out of my way to make it work - wether they live close or far, wether they are scared..and so much more I couldn't possibly put into words. With the right person, I can express myself, i am no longer limited. I see no obstacles, and I'd do everything in my power to make it work, no matter how difficult it would turn out to be, because I strongly believe that people in general give in before trying, settling for the safe choice and just letting things fade into the past, as memories, without letting it possibly become a hell of an experience. Cuz we never know...we never know how it could have turned out, if we had risked a little more..

Right now, I need to step back and recharge my batteries, in order to know what to do next. I need my gut feeling to work, and the only way it will ever make itself heard, is to give it some time, by stepping out of the fog, and into perspectiveness.

I am far from perfect, but seldom do I give in that fast without putting up a fight. Let us just see that there is enough there to fight for, otherwise...what is the point, if not chase those moments we longingly strive for, and more importantly, for the right person? If they are the right ones our hearts are aiming for, time will tell.

I do know how far I can go for someone, I do know my limits, but I'd rather see possibilities instead. I ask "why not?" instead of "why?"

On the other hand, we have to accept that, even though we may listen to our gut feeling, it all comes down to the choices we have to make. We will never really know if it was 100% the right decision. We just hope that when a door closes, another one opens - and that is exactly the beauty this life has to give us. Things always turn out differently from what we initially expected. We really dont have complete control of our future. Isn't it ironic. It may be a "role the dice" game, afterall. Maybe it does come down to that.

What will be will be, and hopefully we don't regreat, hopefully we don't become bitter. Hopefully we look back at the experience and say: At least I lived, at least I tried and got moments to remember when I'm old and cranky. But above all, that I tried my best with what I had, at that very moment in my life - wether it was a failure, or a success story. Such is life.

I don't believe that hearts break - we underestimate it far too much! I believe they are temporarely under shortcircuit. If there is one thing I know for sure, is that it may be a very fragile "organ", but It has more healing powers than we are aware of. It can always mend, you just have to put your faith in it. I am a living proof of that. I am not broken, simply undergoing a highly necessary technical maintenance - As we all presence a few times in our lifetime. It's unavoidable.

With love,

Miss heart-under-construction, in order to improve future service.

"It's just the currents of life changing direction again..."

ps Highly pretentious post, but life is pretentious sometimes. And you know what? Sometimes pretension makes sense, because during those rare times, it does reflect life exactly as it is.Over and out!



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Transitions

Flogsta sunset

These past 2 weeks have been incredibly surreal..

Emotional rollercoaster, sadness, unwanted farewell, tears, changes, evolving, devotion, laughter, party, 22pm scream @ Flogsta, BBQ, friends for life, Josef, Danielle, Thibo, Christoph, AJ, Lolo, Johanna, skivstång with Lolo, spanky guy, flyers, discussions, arguments, bonding, caring, jokes, baking, cooking at 3am, biking in the pouring rain with the 3 mosketeers, cockchef, tvättstugan, photography, habibi store, intensity, corridor, sunset, sunrise, Värmlands, Snerikes Bryggan & Sthlms nations, Love don't let me go, Relax take it easy, Put your hands up for Detroit, "Vous êtes en c***, vive Lyon!", Uppsala, smiles, fika, union, party crew, standing ovation, credit cards in the toilet water at Sthlms nation, Australian guy aka STD dude, burnt chicken, smoke machine, cheap champagne, rose d'anjou, candle showers, massage, oil, exchange students, connection, DJ K, waterpipe, Valborg, champagne galopp, sex discussions during breakfast, lunch and dinner, corridor parties, eyes & looks, ICA, pictures (drunken pictures mostly), Grey's anatomy, insomnia, 3hr queue @ Snerikes tentafest, facebook, drama, A.A, pranks, corridor mascot, alcohol, unstableness, jealousy, "I am coming in your room..", "I'm just kidding!!!", "Not everything is black and white", " I am going to take a shower", honey yoghurt, black olives and feta cheese, quiche Laurent, Maguine, games people play, MSN, alarm clock, vampire lifestyle, warmth, giant babel tower feelings, torture, life changing, boulet, Flogsta 7:7, 6:6, 2:2, 2:4, gossip, minor fights, nostalgic, anguish, melancholic, sad, amazing, bittersweet, heart-breaking, memorable, departure...life - and more tears.

Don't want to deal with this. I know I am not alone in feeling this way..but it's still tough. What a year it has been...It's going to take a while to make the transition.

Everything is not lost, but it surely feels like I'm standing on quicksand.

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My Heritage

Christina Ricci - seriously?

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LOVES IT!!

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Bloc Party - Sunday

(Need I say that I love this song to bits?)

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School of thought

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K :: Minnen MED konturer :: K

"But Im not breaking down
And Im not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart
Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldnt risk it all this time.
Id save a little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself
One day I just might love again
One day I just might give all myself away"

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Ode to the Nice Girls

(This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.)

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile. .

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a nobody than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just too hurt and still chained by his past; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone, or are too afraid to risk.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; who failed to see through the protective shield we have to wear, this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone.

I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your wonderful friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear...


Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find?
Because there in lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, who is willing to prove you how much you matter to them - and no one else!
Or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. See through the disguise. See me. You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the imperfections. You expect impossible perfection, during impossible times. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion, strength, hope, understanding and trust - things you never seem willing to express or even try.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the safe choice and the familiar... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug, hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race...

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Sunday afternoon in Uppsala

[Photographed by Alfie]

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This is so me, somehow..(babel dish tower, right Kiki? :P)

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K

I have come to the realization that, what is to proceed in this note, is a maddeningly heavy burden of choice.

Back then, you tried to hold back the tears, and kept thinking "Why did this happened to me?" ...remember? We all asks ourselves this question at some point in our lives. However, after a while, when the dust has settled, and you have shed every damn single tears you had inside, you have to let go. And that is exactly what I have been working on for the past 3 months.

...

Changes - What is greatly needed in my life. A new wardrobe perhaps. A new smile. A new me. All that's needed now. This is the change I need to make, to forget you, and move on with my life. I know I'll never mean anything. Just cement to fill small holes, you’ll paint over before you leave, holes that never let in much light anyway...Too much mind, heart, and soul has gone into fixing something that very obviously prefers to stay broken.

Look at me, how much I've changed. For better or for worse, unknown, its not the same. I can only dream of the day I decide: Will I be a caterpillar or a butterfly?

So goodnight my nothing, my former everything, my solace, my passion. Goodnight and perhaps I’ll dream of you again, but if fate is kind then I will not.

I would have stood before a storm for you, you know?

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This is for you Niclas! (warning: private joke)

God this is so funny, i could pee in my pants!

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Sizzles are forever

Becca & I being sizzly :)

Photographed by Alfie

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What's left of the rainbow

Once upon a time, and not so long ago, I owned a rainbow. Somehow, I let it slip out of my reach. All that was left behind were mere scattered fragments of the fallen rainbow. Now I'm slowly trying to put its pieces together, so that I can have that wonderful rainbow again.. and find some peace of mind. It's amazingly arduous. You have no idea.

I hope I'm getting somewhere.

Everything is not lost.





"Quase Sem Querer - Legião Urbana"
[This song brings back so many memories from my childhood!!! The lyrics speak for themselves. ]

Tenho andado distraído, impaciente e indeciso e ainda estou confuso. Só que agora é diferente:

Estou tão tranqüilo e tão contente.

Quantas chances desperdicei quando o que eu mais queria era provar pra todo o mundo que eu não precisava provar nada pra ninguém. Me fiz em mil pedaços pra você juntar e queria sempre achar explicação pro que eu sentia. Como um anjo caído fiz questão de esquecer que mentir pra si mesmo é sempre a pior mentira..

Mas não sou mais tão criança a ponto de saber tudo.

Já não me preocupo se eu não sei por quê ás vezes o que eu vejo quase ninguém vê.

E eu sei que você sabe quase sem querer que eu vejo o mesmo que você. Tão correto e tão bonito: O infinito é realmente um dos deuses mais lindos. Sei que às vezes uso palavras repetidas mas quais são as palavras que nunca são ditas?
Me disseram que você estava chorando e foi então que percebi como lhe quero tanto.
Já não me preocupo Se eu não sei por quê Às vezes o que eu vejo Quase ninguém vê

E eu sei que você sabe quase sem querer que eu quero o mesmo que você.

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YOU

Challenge me, dare me or even defy me, But do NOT underestimate me!

What goes around, comes around...

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"Fácil é abraçar, apertar as mãos, beijar de olhos fechados.
Difícil é sentir a energia que é transmitida. Aquela que toma conta do corpo como uma corrente elétrica quando tocamos a pessoa certa.

Fácil é querer ser amado. Difícil é amar completamente só.
Amar de verdade, sem ter medo de viver, sem ter medo do depois.
Amar e se entregar. E aprender a dar valor somente a quem te ama.

Fácil é ditar regras. Difícil é seguí-las. Ter a noção exata de nossas próprias vidas, ao invés de ter noção das vidas dos outros.

Fácil é analisar a situação alheia e poder aconselhar sobre esta situação. Difícil é vivenciar esta situação e saber o que fazer. Ou ter coragem para fazer.

Fácil é demonstrar raiva e impaciência quando algo o deixa irritado. Difícil é expressar o seu amor a alguém que realmente te conhece, te respeita e te entende. E é assim que perdemos pessoas especiais.

Fácil é ver o que queremos enxergar. Difícil é saber que nos iludimos com o que achávamos ter visto. Admitir que nos deixamos levar, mais uma vez, isso é difícil.

Fácil é dar um beijo. Difícil é entregar a alma. Sinceramente, por inteiro. Fácil é sair com várias pessoas ao longo da vida. Difícil é entender que pouquíssimas delas vão te aceitar como você é e te fazer feliz por inteiro."

- Ain't that true....

[Carlos Drummond de Andrade]

Original version

Timbaland version

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late



It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

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Valborg weekend - Day 1 recap @ Värmlands nation:

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CHOICES

Some philosophers say that the one downfall of modern society is choice. We have so many choices to make, and we don’t even realise we’re making them. Your alarm clock goes off in the morning. Do you move, do you snooze, do you outright ignore it?

You go to school. Or do you? What courses will you take? What job do you want? You're making notes on the Industrial Revolution and the coffee trade in South America right now, but where's it gonna take you? Could be anywhere. Australia, Zimbabwe. McDonalds. Which is right for you?

You go to the supermarket. 227 types of cereal. You could spend your whole day trying to choose, and still come out with cornflakes. Does your cereal fulfil you? Does it?

You go to the club. You meet a handsome guy. And another one. And then more. The world is your oyster - a parade of beautiful people. A flurry of stunningly unique snowflakes; you catch them on your tongue. Old and young, dark and fair, bitter and sweet, a series of everchanging patterns. But as soon as one snowflake lands, it's replaced by the next and melts away, leaving a watery taste. Your mouth becomes icy and numb.

All those lovely choices, but there's only room for one. The One. Out of all those endless choices, there must be an ideal - your own perfection. Someone who can fulfil you, completely. It's easy. Well, "easy" - if life was that easy, I wouldn't be writing on this matter, now would I?

Choices are usually made through the following:

1. By our own logic - what is right, as in, what is moraly correct, thus not leading to an uncontrolable emotional ride with our hearts. Nothing to lose. Nothing to gain. Safety.

2. By our feelings - what may not be right, but human nature takes over and tells us we have to go through this, because the drive speaks louder. The heart, of course. The hopeless and hopefully masochist heart. Risk.

This is of course an enormous generalization of the matter. I personally make my choices (at least in my personal life) through my emotions, because in the end, I'd rather risk and know the outcome, than play it safe. I can play it safe when im 6 feet under instead...until then, I will risk. That is my choice. No matter how cliché that may sound.

All you have to do is choose one. Pick out that one remarkable fish out of that vast and overwhelming sea.
Make the right choice. But then again, can we rely in ourselves into making "the right choice"? Are we really capable in seeing beyond the haze and not get lost in the vast sea of beautiful people?
We may end up lonely and unsatisfied with the choices we make, with people who don't fullfil our hearts with joy and warmth. Damn the sea, damn the human logic, and damn these choices! It shouldn't be so hard.

There are over six billion humans on this earth to choose from, you'd better hurry up...

You don't have forever, you know...

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ALFIE

About a month ago the most unusual thing happened (to me). I met someone special. The whole scenario was unconventional as well. A shady DJ underground club. My sister invited me to follow her to this place as some of her friends hang there. Why not? - I thought. Let's give this a try.
I found myself a bit out of place, so i walked around this place looking for something entertaining to do; i took a stroll towards the entrance. A few minutes into my exciting mobile interaction I found myself between odd conversations with a photographer and a steady customer by the stairs. As i looked up the stairs I spotted Alfie.

Alfie was sitting by the stairs playing with his mobile, as I was - and I knew immediately he was in the same position as i was, thinking the very same thing: "What the hell am I doing here and how can I entertain myself while I'm here?", and "Maybe if i sit here for a few more minutes something exciting may happen."

We exchanged a few words but it ended there. I went back to my sister and sat in the lounge area with her friends. A few minutes later, Alfie walks towards me again, and it so happens that he was introduced to me (properly, and again) by my sisters friend. He sat by me and we started talking about ridiculous topics of all ranges. All from dirty talking in bed to the latest Grey's anatomy episode. And how we felt missplaced in this place. We hit it off immediately. However my first thought was "he must be AT LEAST BI" (this quote will go down in history!!!) because he seemed a bit feminine. Later on, my sister gave me a look and told me this guy was obviously flirting with me, and I of course denied it, because most females are blind (yes we are, or we pretend we are).

The conversation was so exciting and I was completely flabergasted by the situation. I have never in my entire life gotten along with a stranger so well as with Alfie. I rarely meet any out of the ordinary people, at all. He was extraordinary. But on the other hand, I wasn't flirting, nor did i take it as a come on. It was a very enjoyable conversation, and this very sweet surprise saved my night. We exchanged numbers and parted.

And the rest is history....or?

Well, not quite. We started meeting up, and talking for hours. Daily. Over the phone, over the internet, you name it. I can't exactly say it was intense, because I didn't see it as dating nor did I see him as a love interest. I was merely curious. It wasn't until later that things starting to evolve. I myself had gotten into this with a complete different state of mind, thus not expecting anything other than friendship. However this one person started growing in my heart. I can't deny our connection, nor how intelectually in tune we were. It's one of those rare people we meet in life who really appear out of nowhere and surprises us with their loveliness. We were coming from similar backgrounds and hurts.

I represented to him hope, and so he did for me. Hope that there is light after deep darkness and despair. A light that had the possibility to shine so brightly, It could hurt the eyes but warm the heart. As we dated more I realized how expressive and warm this person was with me.
I missed that. I missed the blunt acts of affection and fondness people tend to hide when they like someone. But not with him. Yet, I realized I wasn't my usual self -

The one who becomes happily overwhelmed when she meets someone she starts liking. When butterflies sensations take over her dull daily routine, to the point when she loses her apetite (in a good way, naturally.)

I am by nature a very intense person, and I focus all my energy into making things work, assuring the guy he is the only one I see across the room.

This may sound awful, but this didn't happen. Not this time. At least I couldn't let the feelings in, as I have somewhat locked myself because of my past.

Nonetheless, there was a reason behind it. And i knew it, and he knew it. We talked about it. We were honest from the start. He knew how my past was still my present, and exactly how much it molded the person he was meeting. - Me.

I am so lucky. He understood exactly where i was coming from, and that I wasn't ready to commit, but willing to take babysteps. We talked about my former boyfriend and how it still haunted me. How I clearly held him close to my heart, even though we were through. I won't deny. He is still around, somehow.

...

How often does one understand such a situation and despite of the imperfections, still sticks around to give it a try? It is so rare for someone to even see this slightly objectively, and the fact that he did, makes me even more fond of him - that people, is rare, and true maturity. It's beautiful and admirable. He didn't judge me nor did he see me of a less worthy girl. So thank you for having given me this chance. Many people would have walked away at the first sign of imperfection.

Will my luck ever strike twice?

Alfie, you're fucking amazing!!!! You know that?

So we took the babysteps. For a while.

Sadly, It didn't work.

He realized I couldn't give him what he needed, and I do, believe me, I do understand his reasons. So we called it off. On the other hand, I am sad. I knew that this could have been something. But the timing, oh the crappy timing. I simply wasn't in it. I wasn't ready. I hope this was the right decision, because I believe we meet very few people who we click so wonderfully with throughout this life. I don't want to see this as a failure, but it's hard..

I look back at this experience with warmth and fondness. I hope we can work this out as friends. I hope he can find in his heart that we can be friends again, just like that night at the club - talking about oral sex, south american politics (!!!) And above all, I really hope this was the right decision. For both of us.


He gave me hope and brought me warmth, a glimpse of the rainbow, but too vague to build something solid of such a blurry view. The timing was completely wrong. And i hate myself for that, but what can I do? My heart has been taken hostage, and i am still working on breaking these chains. My former love made a big impact in my heart, and left me with a big question mark..I really wanted that second chance to prove him I was as worthy as Alfie saw me.

But that's life, right? I never tried so hard, and I refuse to use any breaks. Not this irremediable restless heart! Don't let it be taimed, nor limited.

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal."

At least we tried, because that is what life is about. Risking. No matter what. And that is one thing he and I had in common. I loved that - To challenge ones fears in order to grow, see beyond the uneasy haze, and give the people we meet an honest chance, even if that means to risk a great deal of self security.

It doesn't matter how much pain experiences can bring, but rather live it, give it a try, than runaway..Call me a masochist, but it's all damn worth it. Give me moments..


Let me be angry at myself for a while, because I can't help but be upset with myself - I know i could have been better, I know I could have been the one he wanted me to be. Feelings I had, but too vague to mold - simply too soon to bloom. I am truly sorry I couldn't let him in...

Alfie, you'll always be my uber fabiolous Mougli :D You rock this world, and you put all'them boys to shame! Tu sabes que yo te quiero mucho! Siempre, my mr brightside. You gave me moments, and you mean more to me than I ever let show above the surface.

During these past 4 weeks, I've known you forever...

Love is often a matter of timing,
But the rhythm is seldom correct.
Thus fate makes it nearly impossible,
For two lonely souls to connect.

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Countdown to Valborg @ Uppsala

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It's at these late hours, that's when I miss him the most...

Saudades.

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Give me moments, not hours or days, just give me moments.

The following post (I removed some parts), was written by a friend of mine which blew me away for the simple fact that as we were discussing a topic over msn, he sent me a post he wrote on his blog on the very same subject. And as we both share the exact same opinion on the issue, as I read it, it felt like what he wrote was the very reflection of my thoughts on it...

"It's not uncommon to meet people who distance themselves to avoid heartache and pain, which I think is a damn shame, cos even though I've suffered a lot, my best moments in life have been product of my unwavering conviction to see things through, to not have that "what if" linger in my thoughts, eating away at my consciousness and my heart.

But what about the heartbreak of someone leaving, or of someone betraying you after you've opened yourself to them, you say? Well there's always going to be pain, but life isn't worth living if you don't take risks. And we fall so as to learn how to get back up again, and I can confidently affirm that every hearbreak is little less painful.

What do I mean with obstacles? Obstacles can come in many forms, from the inevitable departure of one the parties, to the skepticism and distance of a person once betrayed by his/her former love. Either way, people fail to act out of fear, fail to realize that life is not composed of time, but moments. A guy who's leaving in three months is no impediment to try to live those 3 months like they were your last, cos believe me, sometimes those 3 months can be your last, and some people are just not the same after letting that opportunity pass them by and piece of them dies with them. Don't let opportunities, along with your life, pass you by.

If I could do it again
I'd make more mistakes
I'd climb more trees
I'd not be so scared of falling

Don't think of time, think of moments... it's frightening how an uneventful year composed of a meaningless recollection of repetitively mundane actions can easily be compressed into a week's worth of memories. "

Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another. So seek happiness while you can, as the supreme happiness of life is found in the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather in spite of ourselves.

(Hemingway and Victor Hugo fused together)

Post taken from Alfon's blog: http://alfonspot.blogspot.com

LOVE

Have you ever been in love? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nobody should ever have to go through that.

But then again, to let someone in, is a risk in itself - and I'd rather risk, than not at all. I don't want to live with "what if's" - and nobody should.

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This song is dedicated for the people who make me feel better :

My sister, Josy, Danielle, Jojo, Lolo & A.J plus Linus and the sweet exchange students (the french clan) who hang with our group a million times a week :D

"Somehow We´ll make it cause that´s what we do.
Something I felt when love is your only friend and
We are the ones that will make you feel better
Someone to spare when love is the only end
We are the ones that will make you feel better.."

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IF YOU COULD SEE ME..

What do you see when you look at her? A star waiting to rise? A poison with no cure?
An angel without wings? She’s not as bad as you think.
She just wants to be loved. She makes her mistakes. Just like anyone else. Her actions might be deceitful. But she’s really just afraid. Her lips might not grace yours. But she really wants them to.
You think you can read her like a book, but you're not as good as you think.
There are a million things she is is but doesn't let show directly. She doesn’t always open up.
Then again, she’s not quiet either. You’ll never just figure her out that fast. You’re going to have to wait, until she finally breaks down. Until the day you let her in. So give her some time. Because time is everything.
Don’t jump to conclusions. She might seem a little lost, but she’s just looking for a way out...a way to become a better person.

[Temporarely under construction/In search for the rainbow]


Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place

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" Your life is your life - don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
Be on the watch, there are ways out.
There is a light somewhere. It may not be much light but it beats the darkness."

-The Laughing Heart; Charles Bukowski