Reflections

 

I failed to see the truth behind what I already knew. I crunched the numbers and data, I've compiled the thoughts and knowledge but didn't know what to do with them.  "The knowledge without love is a burden to heart." Love or heart, essence or realization, I have carried the burden of truth for far too long without letting it reflect on my existence. What was essential was invisible to my eyes and my thoughts. I always only realize when it's all too late to rewrite history.

Strange times.

 I have no power whatsoever, no say so, nor can I play the game  by my own rules. I feel completely helpless.

It is what it is. Nothingness...

Tidsfördriv, kanske, men var är min själ i hela denna sammanhang?

Jag tror jag tappat bort mig själv på vägen.

Meu brasileirinho

Just for the record, I haven't forgotten you, Lobinho.

You appeared in my life very unexpectedly and you certainly brought colour to my life. I hope that wherever the winds will take us, we shall never lose contact. I am missing you already and you haven't even left yet. 

Why did we have to meet so late?? 

 

I'll carry with me those small moments we shared. Thank you.

You matter to me, my 1001 utilidades, forno, xuxu, potro, potranco..........

It's been wonderful and crazy getting to know you.

Volta logo, vai..

Pause

Taking a step back and reevaluating a current dilemma. I am pressing the pause button, in order to feel what's the best decision for me. 

At the moment, my decisions fluctuate towards both opposites every other hour, leaving me all the more puzzled. 

No big decisions, alright?  However, big to the heart.

What does it want? Or more importantly, what does it need?

I don't know what to do. 

Pause.

It's a Labbit world

Today, a huge box arrived here at home. It was a surprise from Becca & Niclas which I had not expected, but which has made me utterly happy.

I got the NOTORIOUS Labbit, designed by Frank Kozik (see http://kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=1417) which I had spotted a few weeks ago in the middle of Niclas belongings.

It was love at first sight and now I have to have the entire collection or I won't be able to rest!!!!

I must say though, mom looked in awe at me, wondering why a little toy was so appealing in my eyes.

Thank you, my loves!!!!!!!!! You made my day, and I feel oh so spoiled by you - so a "oooh you didn't have tooooooo-look" with a blush on my face , to you:)

I have the best sister and brother-in-law in the world.

You and the Labbit are up there in the ranking. 

Promise.

AMO!

I was supposed to be her

There she was. Staring back at me with her beautiful glowing face, embracing her beautiful boyfriend. 

There was the picture which finally surfaced on my page. Long have I awaited for this moment - To put a face on the girl who took my supposed place. 

I was supposed to be on that picture.

I expected to feel worse than I really did. I don't feel like I was "supposed" to anything really, but we always picture ourselves next to that special person, that one person who we exchanged secrets, hopes, smiles, jokes & opened our hearts with. That little seed never got to see the light. Somewhere along the line it got killed.

To top it off, I could not bring myself to hate her. Not even dislike anything about her look, because she did look nice. Not the good-looking sort of nice, simply genuine in her eyes.

It is funny how none of them probably have any idea how their pictures made me feel as I stared back at their picture-perfect Kodak photos.

I am not sad, but I am not jumping in joy either. I no longer feel grief.

I just can't help but wonder -  "It could have been me. Once upon a time, I REALLY wanted it to be me."

Bless the miracle of time, which has sedated that awful rejecting feeling I once carried, and which will always resurface one way or the other.

Honestly, ok.

It's fine.

We can all relate, right?

Nausea

Let's give this a try and write down all these thoughts on my imaginary blog papper.

Before I get started, let me tell you that I have been having this uneasy feeling inside. I don't know exactly what is cooking up in my brain, but I have avoided posting my latest thoughts over here.

I am not sure If I am judging myself before hand and avoiding this situation, or If I am simply feeling missunderstood by the ones who read my posts.  So I just let it be.

Let me remind you that, I have never had a problem on being brutally honest on my blog. But now, I've hit a dead-end street.

Nothing out of the extraordinary has happened, nor have I reached any remarkable milestone. 

Maybe I am the type who eternally remains in a twilight zone.

I don't feel like anything I write down makes any sense, and the people who know me may also see me in a complete different light than what the reality really depicts. THIS, scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. On the other hand, maybe I don't want to see my own reflection through my words being written at this very moment. I think I have reached a point where I am in my own island and yet I have no GPS to find my way around here. 

I feel that I should not be what I am at this point in my life. I feel way too young for my age and the whole idea where I believed I was a very open person does not make justice to my reality.

Have I really shut you out, my friends? I feel like I am hiding, yet I have nothing to hide. Why have this uneasy feeling been lurking around for so long?

I am not exactly sure If i succeeded in throwing up my nauseating thoughts, but this is all I manage to get out of the system.

For now, It's all I got, till I figure if all of this is an issue I have with myself or with how the rest of the world sees. Am I on to something here?

Quero, terei. Se não aqui, Noutro lugar que inda não sei. Nada perdi. Tudo serei. —Pessoa

For my wifey

original version skee-lo " I WISH" 

(warning for internal joke)

I wish I was little bit spammer,

I wish I was a waller

I wish I had a french who looked hot

I would call him loullipop

I wish I had a starbucks latte in a bag with an elle mag

and a '51 pastis-ala

I wish I was like 5 Loullipop

So I could get with best thing ever since sushi-lou

Cause she don't know me but yo she's really fine

You know I see her all the time / on facepoo

Everywhere I go, and even in my notifications

I can scheme of ways to make her my wifey

Cause I know she's livin ferosh

Her boyfriend's 2 housemates

So how am I gonna compete with that

'Cause when it comes to playing fountain proposals

I'm always last to be picked

And in some cases never picked at all

So I just lean upon the wall

Or sit up in the bleachers with the rest of the friends for sale friends

Who came to watch their lou.

Pra minha irmã..

Diz alguem que a despedida nada

custa ao coracao

Quem tal diz que se despeca e verá

se custa ou nao?

Ó triste segunda-feira da

semana que há de vir

O meu amor diz que embarca, quem o

há de ver sair?

Nesta cruel

despedida

Diz, amor, que hei de

fazer?

Levar-te nao é

possivel

Deixar-te nao pode

ser ..

Se fossem pedras as

lagrimas

Que eu por ti tenho

chorado,

ja formavam um

castelo

no centro do mar

salgado.

- Jaime Cortesão

Encontros e desencontros..

Dear blog (how cheesy does THAT sound?)
It’s been a while since i last wrote, and a lot has happened ever since.
During this period, my sister came to Sweden for a visit, my Swedish cousin got married , I Turned 25, and just a few days ago my beloved Greek friends returned to their country.

Firstly, I am thriller that my sister is here. It feels like she never left, but at the same time it hurts to acknowledge the fact that she is soon returning to Brazil. Farewells have never been my forte. Every summer it’s a farewell, and it hits me hard every time. How can I love someone so much? How can I carry on being completely happy if she is not around? I can’t…

On another note, I finally met Niclas (for real) - and that was such a pleasant and warm surprise. I Think Becca & Niclas are like 2 jellybeans in a goody bag - Sweet, funny and oh so colorful. I don’t want to seem like an intrusive & clingy extended family, but I wish we could hang out more!

Just the other day, I turned 25. It hasn’t quite hit me yet, but the number 25 carries a heavy connotation. I am not sure I fit into the “25” mold just yet. 25 briefly means to me a 5 years to 30 its now or never grow up get a grip of your life you cant get away with student discounts for so much longer. And your regenerative cells are about to slow down and its down hill from here don’t forget your night cream.

I have always been the kid in the family, that is my role and it’s always been a part of my persona, I am the young looking one, the one most don’t take seriously, the one who gets comments such as: “You look like you’re 19, 20 tops!” . I’ve accepted that. Yes, it is a part of me, but it isn’t entirely me. I am so much more, as are all my siblings. There is so much more to them, and I wish I knew them better outside the family role.


Furthermore, my wonderful Greek friends have left Uppsala. We spent a great farewell outdoor “party”, and a few hrs later we took them to the airport. I honestly didn’t think I would have gotten this sad, because I have experienced this the exact period last year, with Lolo, Andrew & the French . Nothing will ever beat the sadness I felt last year as I saw them depart, but this year, it hurts as well, and I feel so much love for these people , even though I met a few just about a month ago). It feels like we still have so much to experience together, to get to know each other more thoroughly. I am looking forward to this.

On the other hand, I will be seeing my Greek malakas in about 7 weeks!!!!!!!!! I am flying to Greece for 2 weeks and It is such a nice feeling to meet the ones who you shared your life for 6 months with, in another set, in another world. That is when you know the friendship has lasted beyond an Erasmus program.

This is the story of my life, all the ones who matter to me live abroad (most of them) - and I wish I had a more stable social life, but It is how it is. It’s hard to live this way, and it’s about time for things to change. It’s time for me to be the one who leaves as well….Let it be France, Greece, Brazil or Colombia……There is so much freedom in this country, and that Is one thing I highly appreciate and will definitely take advantage of. So for now I have no roots, nor do I know where I really want to be. I wish I could study in Greece and be with my friends, I wish I could be in Brazil and be with my sizzle and experience our country together and make fun of the most mundane things. I wish I was with Alfie in Colombia, because despite of our awful break up, we still feel like things have been left unfinished. I wish I was in France, a country which I have grown to admire and feel a connection with…… I wish I knew which was best for me.

On another note, my cousin got married this past 24th of May in Stockholm. This was definitely a twilight zone for me. Am I next? Should I be next? Do I want to be next? No. I don’t think so. I am such a nomad soul at the moment that I don’t think I will be experiencing anything soul shaking in the next 2 years at least - there is simply no space for this, only if I met a nomad like me.

I was truly happy to see him wed his genuinely nice wife, Madeleine. The wedding was fantastic and his brothers speech almost made me cry, because I know that some day I will be standing up there giving a speech to my sister, Becca, and I will completely shake like the funky chicken, cry my heart out as if the world was ending, Mexican soap opera- style of course. Oh, how dreadful!!!!!!! (yet so sweet, if I manage to finish a whole sentence without looking like a hot mess). I am already mentally preparing myself for this event .

For now, I have one last week with my sizzle, and I will not think of the sadness that will dawn upon me as she leaves, because it will spoil the great days and nights we will spend together. I will handle that after she’s gone. But for now, too many unflattering pictures will be taken, too many pointless videos will be shot, too much alcohol will provide a great level of A.D.D and the occasional random comments will have us laughing for years to come…


Life's exactly that. Encounters and disencounters. Sometimes we miss eachother, sometimes we are separated, then intertwined once again...

For now, one part of my heart cries, to the other one that smiles…

There is nothing left to lose

I'm thinking about how I just want to open up and give and give and give. And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?" I only want it to begin.
I'm thinking about desire. I've had to learn how to sin successfully. I'm thinking about bliss, and bliss is all dressed up. And there's no one to dance with... I'm in a foreign country and I'm waiting for a sign that it's ok for you to care, cause I'm not going anywhere. And while you wonder if you should let me in, I only want it to begin... I'm still singing...Twisting new melodies, breaking arrangements. Thinking about my heart. ..I guess you've heard, sometimes it's heavy. But I just keep moving..

Love's always worth the risk, no matter the outcome.......
Nothing is pointless.
Ever.

Vision of heaven

Go to the rooftop on a sunset and listen to this song on the highest volume.....

http://hypem.com/track/523570

Magic.

Anja & Ale doing a hilarious fashion show/theater play in the living room.
I love this one picture...!

Zurich
April 2008

You decide your own fate

For the past 1 year and a half I have experienced all sorts of love catastrophies. It feels like I have been having a love affair with the world abroad.

I would like to believe I have done my best, but now I am beginning to question If I have actually taken a roll in my own life or merely left "destiny to show me the way".

Have I done all I could? Was I part of the public or did I take a leading part in my own story?

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I used to find it to be a soothing philosophy which got me through the difficulties I came across, but now I find myself quite fed up with the fact that I cannot sit and wait for life to happen to me or even less, feel sorry for myself.

We are the sum of our decisions, and what is to come is a result of our actions. It is as simple as that.

Of all the persons I have met, I only knew one who could have given it all up for me. He didn't see obstacles, but possibilities. Solutions, not problems. However, I royally burned my bridges with that one. My comet.

Of course I did.....

I think of my sister when I get myself into these situations - when I meet lovely people but who are not from Sweden, or who are not here to stay. And she took a leap of faith and left the country for a boy. Her smile let's me know it was all worth it. This brings me hope, and inspiration......

I know this is something very people do, but you decide your own fate. Sometimes you fail, sometimes you succeed. If you don't dedicate yourself to it, what can you possibly expect back? Destiny won't happen to you. It surely is a nice thought, and I do believe hope is a strong source of energy which keeps us going, but it isn't enough.


I guess what takes people like this to take such huge chances is that they have simply met the right person who is worth the risk and of course, who have a different life philosophy than most of us have - they don't let the obstacles get in the way, and above all, they listen to their intuition. Rarely do I meet people who listen to their own intuition.
I myself have been in that situation. I couldn't possibly have moved overseas, but if both are at least in the same continent, I wouldn't turn my back on the opportunity to fight for it.

Some of us don't have a strong enough character to put so much effort into these matters, which for me, is one of the biggest tragedies in life. But such are people. We are all different.

I am not naiv and I am quite scared myself, but I haven't met anyone but 1 who has a stubborn will power like me. I know it's anything but easy, but I'd rather suffer and try, than live wondering over the eternal "what if's". Unfortunately, it does take 2 to tango to make anything work.

As i am left with no other choice than wait, hoping that "destiny" shall bring me to you. And even that is an uncertainty. This goes against all my beliefs.

Remember, this is my psychobabble blog which I use for therapeutical purposes ONLY, so please don't expect this to make any sense at all........


This too, shall pass... But for now, I chose to keep you in my heart until there is no hope left.





/ little γάτα

Take one boy from the South,
And one girl from the North
Put them in a large bowl,
But don’t let them touch yet.

Add two computers with a dash of Instant Messenger,
Two cell phones,
And two webcams.
Whisk together.

Stir in a pinch of inside jokes,
Three heaping cupfuls of laughter,
And two hearts.

Mix in 1/3 teaspoon of longing,
1/3 teaspoon of loneliness
And ¾ of a cup of like.

Now blend in a plane ticket,
Five tablespoons of syrupy anxiety,
And a generous shake of shyness.

Gently fold in twenty chocolate kisses,
And thirty sweet-smelling hugs.
Add as much as you like, to taste.

Set the timer to “Warm”
And bake until pink and golden.
Then coat the top with a layer of love,
Sprinkled with insecurity.

Switzerland, here I come!

It's 2am in the morning and I have just finished packing for my trip down to Switzerland for some down time with family & for some snowboarding.
I will be away until the 27th, hopefully you won't miss me too much :) (I am guessing not, as no one EVER comments on my posts - bad, bad people!!!)


A few shout outs:

I'd like to wish a happy birthday to Kostis aka DOULOS as well, who has his birthday today =(^..^)= ; all my love to Louise (i know you are reading this, Aixchange star :)); to Alfie..always in my heart, and always your bucket!
And last but not least, my sister Rebecca, who is my everlasting inspiration...Longing to see you again in June. I can't possibly wait so much longer!!!!

Despite of all these emotional rollercoasters - which seem never ending, life is pretty good. I can't complain.
Just tired of having all these great friends and people I've been meeting so far away from me......It makes me sad, but on the other hand I am happy to have met them.

The light in the end of the tunnel may be temporarely shut down until further notice, but I'm still here - Hoping, fighting, living. (This sounds awfully pretentious but it's true for all of us)


Everything in its right time, everything in it's right place - right?

Good night world.

xoxo

/gitx

Gitx and her 3 little greek malakas
Uppsala April 2008

David Lachapelle

David Lachapelle is in Stockholm - ch..ch..cheeck it out!
Fotografiska museet @ Nacka Strand, 12 april – 11 may.

The comet of my life

Alfie

This song says it all. It's different, it's personal, it's like nothing else, really. And the lyrics speak by themselves. We can all relate to this one, can't we?

Soko- I'll kill her

So, of course, you were supposed to call me tonight
you were supposed to call me tonight
we would have gone to the cinema
and, after, to the restaurant, the one you like in your street

we would have slept together, have a nice breakfast together
and then a walk in a park together, how beautiful, and then
you would have said "i love you" in the cutest place on earth
where some butterflies are dancing with the fairies

i would have waited like a week or two
but you never tried to reach me
no, you never called me back
you were dating that bleach-blonde girl
if i find her, i swear, i swear...

i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

i would have met your friends, we would have had a drink or two
they would have liked me, 'cause sometimes i'm funny
i would have met your dad, i would have met your mum
she would have said "please, can you make some beautiful babies?"

so we would have had a boy called tom and a girl called susan, born in japan

i thought it was a love story, but you don't want to get involved
i thought it was a love story, but you're not ready for that ...

me neither. i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

she's a bitch you know, all she's got is blondeness
not even tenderness, yeah, she's cleverless
she'll dump your arse for a model called brendan
he will pay for beautiful surgery 'cause he's full of money

i would have waited like a week or two
but you never tried to reach me
no, you never called me back
you were dating that bleach-blonde girl
if i find her, i swear, you know, i swear, i swear ...

i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

man, i told you, you know, if i find her,
i really, i, i mean, i'll kill her, for real!
it's like for sure, you have to know, uh,
i mean, you know, i can do it, man,
i'll kill her.

My favorite street wall in Aix-en-Provence