France

Partir! Nunca voltarei, nunca voltarei...porque nunca se volta. O lugar a que se volta é sempre outro. A gare a que se volta é outra. Já não está a mesma gente, nem a mesma luz, nem a mesma filosofia.

Partir! Meu Deus, partir! Tenho medo de partir!...

"Margit and I don´t look like sisters...not right away. Not the way you can tell with Anna and Karin who have the same fat popsicle lips like everybody else in their family. But me and Margit, we are more alike than you would know. Our laughter for example. Not the shy ice cream bells´giggle of Anna and Karin´s family, but all of a sudden and surprised like a pile of dishes breaking. And other things I can´t explain. One day we were passing by a house that looked, in my mind, like the houses I had seen in Brazil. I don´t know why. There was something about the house that looked exactly like the houses I remember. I´m not even sure why I thought it, but it seemed to feel right. "Look at the house" - I said - "it looks like Brazil". Anna and Karin looked at me like I was crazy, but before they could let out a laugh, Margit says: "Yes, that´s Brazil all right...that´s what I was thinking exactly."

by Becca (my sister who I miss so much - te amo pra sempre...)

"Credulous at best your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men. But pull your head on out of your hippie haze and give a listen, shouldn't have to say it all again - The universe is hostile, so impersonal. Devour to survive so it is, so it's always been .."

Same place, yet not at the same time

I am thinking about timing and everything it beholds.
Like I have written on an earlier post, the hardest thing for me to do is not having control, and letting things naturally take its course.

Often times have I been a "victim"of bad timing. It seems to be a constant happening in my life and most time it has to do with people I meet.

For example, I usually meet amazing people right before a departure. Like everything has a best-before date within 2-3 months. This has occured to me not once but twice in 2008!

Or! When I have met people at the exact WRONG time and things did not work out because it was too fast, too soon..

Before, I would completely freak out by the fact that something good had to end. Now, I still freak out, but with the feeling that everything happens in its right time and place. It is meant to be this way and no other. It is as simple as that.

(Now don't get me wrong, I will surely have a substantial crisis right before boarding that plane to Stockholm)

When you "lose" something, you gain something else. Life goes on - new opportunities, new experiences, new perspectives, new friends, new loves, a new home or even a new country.

On the other hand, the excruciating part is the one where you can't help but wonder - "What if? What if things turned out differently? What if I had stayed longer? Would it have changed the outcome? Would I have taken another path?"
I guess it is naturally a part of the human psyche to torture oneself with such questions.

Personally talking about France, I would have liked to stay longer. Easily. But I know that deep down, I will come back. And I will stay here - when the time is right.
Everything before that - i.e going back to Sweden and sorting out so many things, will unfold itself as it may. That too, has to run its course. That too, has to be solved. I realize I cannot move on without solving certain problems.

France, for the long haul.
(for now, just a dream - but a dream nonetheless!)

PDS

Closing my long overdue past ♥ chapters which refused to die in me - one by one. Some people simply can't coexist in my world. For now, I can't find any other better solution than to cut you completely out of my life.

Goodbye, and perhaps I'll meet you again. But if fate is kind, then I will not.



xx
Potra ♥

Friends gathered at our former favorite bar "Carrefour" in Aix.
(January 2009 - time is flying!!!!!! Arrete..)

"Trop de raison tue la passion, trop de passion tue la raison "


Logic is rough against the gear of emotion - so learn to use both...

Further impressions in the southern blue

One considerable big change i have noticed in myself since my move to France must have been the way I dealt with things.

I have become impulsive in my actions without taking into account how others may perceive them, getting me into a lot of trouble. It is just too easy to fall into these tricky traps.

Impulse is a dangerous thing. It is the utter most, strongest desire that lies in our core and that, at times, must be kept under reins. Although some of our impulses may be well intended, it doesn't mean it will be perceived as a positive thing in the eyes of others - especially if it affects them.

I believe these changes have taken place for the fact that in Sweden i lived in a less adventurous atmosphere. It was 'safe' and less challenging. In my 9 years of Swedish cultural experience, I found Swedes to be quite mundane.

In many aspects, France feels more like home than Sweden ever did to me. I hope with every bone in my body, that I can return here for good in the near future.

On another note, France brought me a wide awakening - and even though I might have gone a little overboard in past behavior, it is part of the adaptation process. The cultural differences are unavoidable.

Doubtlessly I have grown up during my time here, and even though I been hurt and very disappointed, I would have done it all over again. I am a bit of a masochist, like that.

For those who have followed my blog writing know that I have a tendency to think too much and write a lot on personal subjects. .Afterall, I don't write for others. What I write over here is very personal, and may be shocking for many, but this is just the way I am - sans bullshit. I have nothing to hide and I don't care if my honesty may give people the wrong impression of me. Those who know me, understand...Plus, I am constantly judged the wrong way anyway, but that does not matter anymore. I stopped caring.

Moreover, I am learning to avoid things that are bad for me, finding what makes me happy. Simplifying and filtering away all the bullshit, to be more specific. I am only learning RIGHT NOW how to handle my nature. Before I believed there was something wrong in my character, but now I see that it had nothing to do with me - it was the choices I made and the situations i put myself in. I searched for deception. Over and over. A risky pattern. At a certain point, one grows tired, soooo very tired.

I am up for a whole lot of things, and I will always be a little 'crazy' but now I handle everything with a bit of positive skepticism. Now I just need to learn how to control my impulses with certain things.

There is still so much I want to experience. A luau during sunset in the calanques with my friends, is one of them.

Lets make these last couple of months memorable...and to say the least, ROYALLY kick ass :)

The Aixchange friends

:)

It's good to be back!

Its been a while since i last blogged! My last post was written in the beginning of my french journey, so now it is about time for me to keep it up again.

This blog is about 4 years old. I have thought of starting a new one, but there is too much history in this one to simply let go of it, even though when I read my old posts I feel like that is another version of me I no longer can relate to. I've grown up and become less naiv. Thankfully.

Now back to the UPDATE!

I couldnt bring myself to write for so long as my experiences here have drained me of energy to keep on writting. Soooo much has changed since i last posted something here. How a year abroad can mold and change a person...

My french AIXPERIENCE journey has been good so far. A rollercoaster of sensations. Being a foreigner, living in a temporary dream world where the culture is different than yours makes you question a lot of things and most importantly, people dont see you as who you really are. You got to adapt quickly, otherwise you'll feel tangled in an endless lost in translation spider web.

Being categorized as a foreigner here certainly gives the people I meet a different idea of who I am. Automatically I am placed in a category, in a subconscious way obviously. I have constantly been battling with who I was pre-France, who I am right now and who I am becoming. Questioning, questioning, questioning......

I feel like I have lost a little of myself in the process which I am sure happens to most of us who go abroad.

Ive always maintained a balance of naivity and realist in me. Ive always known what I wanted but this country has doubtlessly made me question a lot of things. On the other hand, life would be pretty dull if we always remained the same and non-evolving.

Throughout life we will be constantly put to the test, endure the good and the bad. Sometimes we will feel left behind, sometimes we will be ahead of the game. If we dont put ourselves out there, we will never learn. Because in fact, everything we will ever need will always be outside our comfort zone. I strongly believe in this.

Its times like these you learn to live again. Its times like these you give and give and give.......

«Still loving la vie en bleu!»

Moments

Wifeys dancing on bar counter @ La Be
Sept. 08

The Aixperience so far...

A few weeks into my year abroad in France, I am finally settling into all things french. Now it really does feel that this is my home, and there is no return ticket to Sweden. Funny feeling.
I am enjoying my stay, and I am incredibly lucky and thankful to have gotten here. Some people know how important this is to me.

My weeks have been filled with intense outings, moments of lost in translation, cultural clashes and cosy studiy evenings at the tea house/shisha bar. There is so much to take in. So many new faces, internal jokes, photos, moments, conversations, songs and so on...Everything is a new impression and a new memory.

But its at this very period after the moment one has finally settled, is when reality kicks in.
Out with the old, in with the new. A new life or a complete new start. We are all in it for different reasons and different quests.

My past is still in my present, for the fact that i do not consider it my past in the first place. It is very much alive, like a fire burning inside. And it is my choice, afterall. I cannot, nor will I simply switch it off.

We certainly die many small deaths throughout life but I beg any higher force to keep this one alive.

I am beginning to miss the familiar. I miss sunday breakfast at home with my family for example, and failing royally in getting my sister out of bed.

There is a certain soothing feeling that goes along with the daily routine I lived in Sweden. I know this is simply a common phase everyone goes through as they move abroad, though.

I miss the affection and the closeness I have with certain people who are far away now. I need a hug, and anybodies hug here wont quite do it for me. So I lay in my new bed, hoping this phase will soon pass...

Surely I dont miss certain things, but I do feel like I am lacking an important piece.

One of the biggest mysteries in life for me, is that It will never make any sense to me as into why should good things end. It is a death that refuses to die in me.

As the weeks and months come along, things will get better and eventually I will find inner peace in this foreign country. However, none of this will ever come close nor be able to compete in the same category as what you gave me, P. You definetly appeared in my life when I least expected and you taught me so much; I am not sure you are aware.

I would change all of this, in a heart beat, if i could have you in my life, other than virtually.
I want January now! Can you blame me?


I rely that time will give me the answers that I search, and that sometimes we really do have to take a day at a time and enjoy what is given to us.
This experience is temporary; some people are not.

Everything in its right time, everything in its right place. I truly believe in this.

SAUDADES, PORRA! Mas eu aguento...

Bonne nuit et a tout!

This is what you represent to me:

A piece of Brazil & a piece of Sweden combined into a warm wandering soul of a wolf.
Sweetly mixed together, creating a private universe within you.......

which evokes a great impact in the private universe within me.

HOME

Sitting on a friday night in my bed while writing without any real purpose, in the most old fashioned way possible - with a piece of paper and a pen.
However, this time I am in my new home in the city center of Aix-En-Provence in the southernest of France. Plus belle la vie!!!!!!

I have forgotten how fulfilling it is in simply taking an easy night in on a friday night.

I SHOULD be out, like 98% of the population of Aix, but I decided that i SHOULD not anything but what I really felt like doing - being the resting 2%. At home.

I think the word SHOULD should be banned from our vocabulary. That word carries such an anguishing negative conotation that I see no point in adopting it into my life, other than bringing more stressy anguish and pressure?

I am in the height of my youth, with many possiblities ahead, and many decisions to make.
Constantly divided by 2 home countries, constantly questioning where home really is. Constantly being questioned by parents. CONSTAAAANTLY!!!!!

Is the grass really greener on the other side or are we preconditioned by a insatiable society to always be on the search? I wonder..

It is not the jobs we will get nor the amount of digits in our paycheck that will give us the answer. I am sure it does affect to a certain extent but it is certainly not the main factor.

For me, home is where the heart is. As we heard it all before... When you have your friends and their support, when you feel like you have the freedom to do whatever the hell you want, when you feel like you are always evolving and learning..
Simply when the shit hits the fan; and you know you will have your friends right there to clean up the mess...

During the short moments of happiness I have felt, I was surrounded by real friends, in a country which let me make my own choices and which gave me the freedom to do whatever I felt like doing. In a country where I biked home at 4am and watched the odd 2am sunrise, without feeling scared of biking home alone and breathing the freshest of airs. I remember biking home and simply being happy and complete. I am not sure I was aware of it then. Small details i always took for granted - funny how 2 weeks abroad can bring some perspective. France is the time-out I greatly need. I have been fighting too long with Sweden and thanks to my sister I am slowly understanding that it isnt all that bad ( other than the crappy nordic weather ). Maybe stepping out for a while is all I really need to figure it out.....

It doesnt take much to grasp happiness. One simply has to be aware of the suttle details of our every day because it can easily disappear if you dont acknowledge it. And just like that you will end up in the 98% bracket.

I really do hope I make peace with Sweden and figure where I will finally settle. Adventures abroad are great, but it isnt sustainable in the long run. In the end, I will want be close to the people that matter, in a country of possibilities, not obstacles. Is that realistic?

I may be unstable, chaotic, confused, mutable, up in the clouds and so on. But I will never be what others such as family expect me to be. Afterall, its in my chaotic, all over the place - nature that I find all the answers I will ever need to lead my own life..and in the shape of things to come.

como tudo deve ser..

SONHO

Verao Festa Encontro Olhar Caipirinha [plancton?] Musica a dois Conexao Beijo Azul calcinha Abraco Sorriso Sabor Fragrancia Cafe Comentarios lesados Brasil Suecia Sonho de valsa Laca Garoto Apelidos Leite de soja Forro Shisha Flogsta Fotos Luz vermelha Felicidade Baseado Patrickianismo Sobremesa! Despedida Angustia Medo Tristeza Preocupacao Carinho Lagrimas Coracao pequeno Perda Saudades Vazio.

.....fim?

nao queria.

Here we go again..

There were many moments in my short life so far where I felt like a little bird locked up in a cage not being able to spread my wings and fly away whenever and wherever I want to and without limitations.

I once read somewhere for which I probably will never forget : "True freedom is only when you realize that the only person who is limiting you is yourself."

We often love to victimize ourselves and complain about the situations we find ourselves in, when in fact, we are quite aware we have put ourselves in that position. Nobody can be that naiv. We know the consequences of our actions.

Shit.

I don't want to say goodbye!

Now i have to face a situation which is all too repeating for me. Sigh..

In certain ways I am old fashioned. I don't like having to give up the things and people that I like. I don't like experiencing things which i know have a best-before-date, because in that way, I can't really enjoy it to its fullest. It isn't natural. It is exactly the same feeling as when a kid is starring into that candy store but can't get in. It's right there, in front of you, yet you can't have it.

But we are human, and we can't help but putting our hearts out there.

Often times we have to be shaped into things we are not, in order to adapt to what we are dealing with. We aren't really entitled to feel anger and bitterness. Such is life. But when it comes to feelings, that is when everything becomes rather complicated.

I can count in one palm how many people who truly moved me, who truly mattered.

"I am here, without a best-before-date, for time unlimited... unknown."

Suspiros de Verão

Esperava que não fosse

só mais uma paixão

um desses amores de verão

tenues e sem duração

esperava que fosse de verdade...

como toda força e raridade

com toques de fantasia e ilusão

esperava mesmo... de coração

Sentia-se bem na vida solitária...

e os poucos dias sem companhia

se tornaram vazios e sem sentido

faltava-lhe algo, faltava-lhe ele

em nada se parecia com uma paixão

daquelas que desaparece no fim do verão...

suspiros, sorrisos e assovios

sentira-se bem com aquela sensação

Randy Pausch

The sad yet inevitable has happened..Randy Pausch has passed away.

The former professor at Carnegie Mellon was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and became an Internet sensation after his inspirational Last Lecture

became viral on YouTube.

His famous "Last Lecture" lasts a good 1hr and 16minutes. So please, whenever you find the time, watch this video.

His story brought me to tears and I promise it is not yet another Oprah mundain tear-jerker story. This is one of those stories everybody should simply know of. We all need a little bit of stardust....

For all of you who are furthely interested in Randy's story, he has come out with a book called "The Last Lecture" and its a hell of a bestseller.

You can get it on Amazon through this link: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251

"The Last Lecture" on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

His story @ Diane Sawyer Interview - A must see!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZbOQqtDAW0 (part1)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDIf4D4SQFo&feature=related (part2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O8FvH_k2k4&feature=related (part3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2HWTrDTsv0&feature=related (part4)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSx-AB4JhvQ&feature=related (part5)

R.I.P Randy

We are in control - until we are not

Lots of the things we learn throughout life becomes "common knowledge". Therefore, many things that should be obvious and quite simple to us, does take a while to sink in for some of us.

I've lately observed my change in behaviour for the simple fact that I wanted to understand why I was/am feeling the way i was/am.

When I am not put in any strain nor in situations where there is too much emotional charge, I feel much more control over how I feel. I begin to lead myself into a stable, slowly care-free path.

The emotions and irrational behaviour are put behind bars and I can finally breath without feeling any sign of anxiety.

And that's when I feel like I have the control, and that nothing can possibly change my gained harmonious frame of mind.

However. When reality makes itself reminded, resurfacing all of those emotions I couldn't grasp control of, I return to a chaotic state of mind, and all that stability I had built falls apart.

It brings back the unanswered questions, the uneasy sadness, the quicksand feeling and that time is ticking. Worse of all, is that unfortunately, sometimes we can't affect the outcome, and let things be just the way they are. There is only so much we can do about certain things anyway.

Hoping for the best. Or actually, no, not hoping. Hoping only leads to more sadness and expectations, fake expectations that is.

There is only one way of controling chaos, and that is to let it run its course. It is always there for a reason.

I totally agree!