Reflections of a broken heart

These past days my head has been working overtime in order to find some sense in all that has happened these past couple of months. For me, it is the only way to find any sort of insight. It is hard for me to know where to start - THAT is how intense my life has been during such a short time. I've been on a car ride of 300km/h it seems, without seat belt, but with the warning signs I neglected to see.

That is how my heart works. I followed it. I took a chance, even though it was such an intense rush. When we are in the middle of the ride, we can't stop, we just go for it - so I followed my heart. Never for a moment did it feel wrong, nor does it now, after the car crash. However, I would have given anything to have known then, what I know now, so I could have been less impulsive. The reason to why I stand here alone.

Along the way, I crashed into some warning signs & I drove over some people along the way, blinded by the fog. Because when one is in the middle of such intensity, one can't use logic. It is humanly impossible. That is how we are.

We make mistakes, but they don't define who we are. Everything is relative. Nothing is ever black nor white, It is rather a shade of grey. But we can't go on and on applying rules to our lives. "Could, would, should.." I find it hard to follow the rules, if my heart is completely taken back by something it hadn't felt before, who am i to tell it to step on the breaks and take it easy?

Sometimes we are taken by surprise, and we do the best we can do, in the middle of the situation. It is simply bound to happen. I risked everything for him. I went beyond the rules of logic, I went beyond my morals and as a human cliché as it may sound, I felt scared of losing him, so I did what I thought was best then. I took a chance. I grasped his hand as hard as I could, but it slipped away. I struggled within myself.

I looked for inner strength, when I hardly had any. I was shattered by my past, I was an emotional mess trying to handle the past the best way I could, trying so hard not to hurt anyone important along the way. I thought I could juggle my new life with the past, without hurting anyone, but in the end thats the idea I gave to my surroundings. I was insecure, I wasn't myself. I couldn't give him myself completely. I couldn't show him the 100% me. He rather saw an image of me on a broken glass.

I was trying too hard, too fast. And THAT, I realize now. I realize I wasn't being fair to my past nor to you, my present. But what Is a girl in the middle of the fog, and in love, to do? I could not see the signs. I wanted him too much, too fast.

But looking back, it is easy to analyse. I was just being human. Doing the best I thought I could, in the middle of the fog. I was in love, what the hell was I suppose to do other than try the best I could back then?

I understand i crushed his trust, I understand he got scared and it made him feel bad. I get all of that now. It was too much, too fast - but one thing is absolutely true : It was real, and we had potential, and I tried my best, but I was only a half-heart, half-human. The trust I wanted to give, the girl I wanted him to see was only the reflection of a girl on a broken mirror. No wonder he saw the twisted image of me. Although understanding why he drew back, why he felt lost, it feels incredibly unfair.

The moments we shared were real, the smiles were real, and the times we spent together were incredibly good, but I was only half the girl he saw. I saw him in me. And this truly kills me.

Had I waited, had I taken it easy - but that's not how life goes, nor will it ever.

I know that no matter how much we try to do things correctly, no matter how moraly correct we are, no matter how we follow the rules, we will always make mistakes, we will always go through trial and errors, we will always give the best we can, during new & unfamiliar circumstances. It doesn't make us worse people, nor people who can't be trusted.

I was half the potential I could have shown him, and although I worked so hard to to get out of the fog, and I did, even that, wasn't enough to ease his heart.

I understand him now, but it doesn't ease my heart.

..But does it have to be so punishing? Does it really?

It all was unplanned,
I had a grasp on it,
But then it all slipped out of my hand,
I don't know what went across my mind,
Everything I think, I feel, is undefined..

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