IF YOU COULD SEE ME..

What do you see when you look at her? A star waiting to rise? A poison with no cure?
An angel without wings? She’s not as bad as you think.
She just wants to be loved. She makes her mistakes. Just like anyone else. Her actions might be deceitful. But she’s really just afraid. Her lips might not grace yours. But she really wants them to.
You think you can read her like a book, but you're not as good as you think.
There are a million things she is is but doesn't let show directly. She doesn’t always open up.
Then again, she’s not quiet either. You’ll never just figure her out that fast. You’re going to have to wait, until she finally breaks down. Until the day you let her in. So give her some time. Because time is everything.
Don’t jump to conclusions. She might seem a little lost, but she’s just looking for a way out...a way to become a better person.

[Temporarely under construction/In search for the rainbow]


Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place

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" Your life is your life - don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
Be on the watch, there are ways out.
There is a light somewhere. It may not be much light but it beats the darkness."

-The Laughing Heart; Charles Bukowski

If I could start again a million miles away..

Anything, everything I have, or will, I would give, for one chance, a window, a crack..for change.

Our time, no longer is found, amid pieces of life to be sewn. They have been placed, inside the fabric of the past, with no chance to rearrange.

A wise man is said to have little heart, only a fool loves for love. I would rather spend all my life being a fool, with your love than all the wisdom of the world, and beyond, without it.

Am I running in circles, or running in place? Missing my dreams, or trampling them at my feet?

My mind shouts that I must say goodbye. But my heart sobs, for our hearts to be together. Tormented by the very dreams that I crafted with delicate care, chasing ghosts, delusional possibilities, of a forgotten chance. But as life has proven itself to be, it always goes on..

Inevitable, cruel, zero, it counts up to countdown, from beginning to end. It has, always will, and promises to forever be, because we believe so.

Until the day we do things right, the slow and finished way. Until we work with our hearts and with our minds, then and only then, will we forget time, and remember love. That, is a future we can one day have, to cherish.
And as tears dry, and the memories fade to dreams, we as life move on, somehow bettered, changed, and different. We love, we think, we decide, we grieve, we change, we live, we heal but above all, we hope..

Life is sometimes not ready, but we are, and here we go, love is always present, but sometimes our hearts are not.

Let the spring sun shed light & warmth back into our hearts now.

_________________________________________________________

Nostalgia


Happiness
Coming and going..

[Remembering good times]
Julia, me and Franco circa dec.05 - Uppsala/Flogsta

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Övriga tankar

Vad ska vi då göra med den lilla tid vi har att leva? Personligen så försöker jag leva som en god människa, inte skada andra, inte vara elak, snål och osympatisk.... utan tvärtom, glädja andra, sympatisera, vara en god lyssnare, helt enkelt hjälpa dom jag kan och leva ett gott liv så att jag sen när jag ligger på min dödsbädd kan tänka tillbaka på mitt liv och veta att jag har varit en god människa och gjort gott för mig under mitt liv, då kan jag dö i frid.

Dessvärre så finns det människor som inte kan ta emot sådana här saker, saker så simpla som vänskap, kärlek och mildhet. Utan som istället ger tillbaka ondska, elakhet, smärta... Varför vill man skada en annan människa? Är det rätt att bara för att man själv råkat illa ut ska göra så andra råkar illa ut? Är det rätt att skada andra bara för att dom har nåt man själv vill ha? Nej det tycker jag inte, och jag kan inte förstå mig på folk som tycker det.

Jag älskar rymden, det är så oändligt, och färgerna är så himla vackra. Att ligga och skåda upp i evigheten en vacker klar kväll slår nog det mesta. eller jo att ligga med en underbar kille som man tycker om är nog väldigt trevligt.. Ge mig ett rymdskepp som jag kan ta mig ut i rymden med och jag lämnar allt här på jorden. Tänk att få se andra stjärnor, civilisationer & galaxer...

ps Det här inlägget är inget personligt påhopp, bara övriga tankar. ds

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Det är nu jag inte finner några ord. Det gjorde jag knappt på hela tiden då du var här.
Och när du frågade vad jag tänkte på svarade jag att jag inte tänkte på något. Sådär som man alltid säger...

Egentligen tänkte jag tusen saker som jag bara ville säga. Om hur jag beundrar dig och hur fin du är när du sover. Och hur du väckte mitt hjärta till liv; hur jag ville bevisa dig att drömvärlden fanns; att du var HELA TIDEN den enda i mitt hjärta. Men allt det där kändes för mycket att säga, så jag sa ingenting...

Och nu känns det i magen till slut, att man inte kan hela världen eller bygga om ett trasigt hjärta. Att fylla en transparent själ. Du behöver din tid, du behöver ditt hjärta. Och du behöver dina rus. Men när jag kämpar för världen i mörker känns allt meningslöst & jag kan lika gärna badda ammoniak i mina sår.

Jag undrar om det är rädsla som du skymmer solen med moln och blockerar vår väg med väggar igen. Då min mening bara är kärlek och strävan efter borttag av det negativa - För det tär, det känns och jag förstår inte...


Och djupt därinne i hjärtat älskar jag dig än. Otroligt. Ofattbart.

Men varför kan jag helt enkelt inte släppa taget? Kanske för att du inte såg den riktiga jag, som var där inne nånstans. Bortom den snedvridna världen jag försökte fly ifrån som fick mig ur balans - och som tog dig ifrån mig.

Om du ändå kunde tro på mina ord.

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Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

The dust has only just begun to fall
what do you say,
that you only meant well?
well of course you did
what do you say,
that's all for the best?
ah of course it is
what do you say?
that it's just what we need?
you decided this..



_________________________________________________________

K

Jag släppte in någon kommen från en helt annan värld. Min egen värld ruskades om, men slocknade hastigt som ett dräpslag efter tidsperiodens lamslagna yrsel. I cyberrymden bollades min värld likt ett medialt temata. Avståndet hade aldrig varit större än nu till andra människors världar. Min planet brann hål i sin egen bana.

Det är lärorikt när jorden skadas. Naken får man inse och utstå misstagens efterskalv. Erfarenheterna skövlar. Bladverken vissnar och dör.

Allt för sent vaknar en medvetenhet - vredgad över sömnens dunkel.

Min värld hade varit oaktsam, och jag förlorade det som betydde allt för mig.

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Tro inte att du kan bygga ditt liv på berggrunden. Den brister som ett äggskal vid minsta seismiska förändring.Ditt liv omslutet av dödens fosterhinnor kan du inte värna. De kan brista varje sekund. Den enda trygghet du kan uppnå är att sätta din tillit till det värnlöst växande livet. Att vila med livets hela tyngd ytterst på ett grässtrå är din enda möjlighet. Där i det yttersta av det skyddslöst mjuka finns din trygghet.....din berggrund.

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Drömvärld vs reality

We all have an idea of how we want our reality and dreams to be like. It differs hugely from person to person.

Some ideas are too naiv & some are too cynical. Mine is in between.

Your world, however, was a world I couldn't entirely understand. In that sense you were right, we had some differences, but given the situation I was in, I did the best I could, in the state that I was in - basically an emotional wreck

. That was when your world turned black and you put up your walls and let go of my hand.

But hear me out. Although understanding the reason to why you let go, I believe there is much more under the tip of your iceberg. So much more, and I see it now.

It is easy to let go because of the bad feeling you got from all of what has happened. I dont blame you! It is easy to let go and draw back into your secure world, the secure world which is familiar and untouched by any cynisism and hurt.

What you felt through me was unfamiliar & unknown - the moment you felt insecure you let go, rather than being a little open to what was standing in front of you. If only you had given it a little more time...But then again, I understand why. I was a broken girl. However that is not who I am.

SEE ME AS I REALLY AM!

I understand that too. I understand why, because I see the reality you are coming from. Your very own.

Your reality means so much to you, but it's a world where only you seem to be allowed in, a reality that you have decided that "thats how it is and that is how i want it to be, and i wont give it up".

In that sort of reality there is no chance for anyone to get in and try to open it up for new persectives, new views - as it is so important to you. You will never truly let anyone in if you are not open for the unfamiliar and the insecure.

Life doesnt work that way. You bring someone into your life, that is how it is going to be. Struggles, differences, arguments - you name it. Once you pass that stage, once you open up for a little change, you will set yourself free, and you will not be as upset and angry at reality, as I know you are.

I know you struggle so much, and at times feel like it is hopeless. I know you are upset with how some things turn out, because its against your ideals, and you dont want to have that sort of life. Neither do I..I too have my dreamworld, but I accept that things can be different from the way I perceive them. I know things arent black nor white.

Never did I try to change your dreamworld. I merely wanted you to break down your walls, at least just a little bit.It was the only way to try to make you understand why I did what I did - the very things that made you lose hope in us, in me...

When we fall for someone we fall for them, and not the criterias we have of the perfect partner which we make in our head. That is never realistic, nor does it work that way. We will never find 100% things we agree on, there will be differences and struggles, but if both are open to being precisely open to the new, two different worlds can coexist.

The experience I got you in played games with your world, and it made you feel uneasy, therefore you withdrew quickly, because it was the only natural thing to do. It was the only thing you knew.

It is ok to have a dreamworld, but letting some of the real world inside is the only healthy way to actually be able to accept why they do things differently than you at times. That his how you learn to understand them - and you couldn't do that with me. You let your strickt beliefs limit your understanding of why I did what I did, wish upset you so much, which made you believe you couldnt trust me.

Once again, how can one trust an emotional wreck, half-broken girl in the transition between the past and the present? But that was me then. Now I am what I wanted you to see, but you left..



Had you been more open, and tried to understand me, tried to communicate. you would have understood why your feelings for me were put away so fast. Why it all felt so overwhelming to you.
Maybe then you would have made peace with everything that happened, accepting that what happened couldn't have happened in any other way, and that I was only half the girl I could have been for you, that girl who really wanted to prove you and give you so much.

You didn't let me in - you left. You felt like your dreamworld didnt match mine and it scared you.

But how are you to be happy if you don't accept that you have to be more open to change, to me, who came into your life? It doesn't mean you have to let go of your values, but to be open to the new, the unknown. It may be scary and insecure, I understand you hold so tight to it, but you will never be happy if you don't let some of that light in. Nor will you let anyone in, in that way.

You are fooling yourself by locking yourself in your world and you are not only hurting me, but the people who come into your life.

Running away may seem like the best solution for you to feel better again. But that is a simple short-term fix. The real world will catch up with you, and people will continuously hurt you and make you feel insecure like i did to you..


It may feel like home, it may feel secure, but who are you kidding? Only yourself, and I hope one day you will come to terms that you can't live by the excuse that "once i build my view and belief on something, it won't change, cuz thats just how I am" doesn't carry much of a solid ground.

You have to dare more, risk more. Thats the only way of reaching the harmony we all seek in life:

Build your comfort zone, your dream world, be naiv, but let some of the real world in, let others peoples worlds in too, accept that rules cant always apply, that things arent as black an white, that we all do things for a reason, that risking is living - its will increase your understanding and accepting..

You will find a balance between your world and others world, without having to struggle, without having to give up of your own values.

I can't possibly know how or why your past has molded the dreamworld & reality you have built up for yourself. But do you honestly want to let your past hurts define and limit your future possibilies?


You are not alone in this planet, and you have to make peace with the real world. The real world has real people, and it isnt that bad, because it is what you make of it.

Bringing some of that into your own reality is the only way for you to be true to your heart and find that balance you search for.

In a relationship one has to give a little, accept a little, endure a little, change a litt,e in order to find a harmony between the two. One can't possibly run away when things get rough and insecure.

It may be comforting to live in your own world, but the real world isn't that bad either. You could be so much happier, and less complex in your character. If only you could accept that. You can have the best of both worlds, rather than having to shut away from the girl who only wants you to find that balance and let you know that I too, have a dreamworld, and it is a scary reflection of yours, although it is more open to the unfamiliar, the unknown - and that is why I risked so much, and that is why I held on so tight to you, because had you given me more time to prove you, it wouldn't have been that bad. It would have been fucking great.

Do you understand now why I am so stubborn by trying to communicate with you?
I am not trying to push, I care for you. You shut me out so quickly, you didnt give me the chance to talk. What was I supposed to do, other than panic

Put yourself in my shoes - wouldn't you do the same?

I know I may seem paranoic, but I am sorry If I care, I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass, but these are my feelings too, this shook my world and messed me up inside.

I am not the reflection on that broken mirror. I'm just a girl who is trying to break down the walls that limit the great potential you had. The great potential we had together.

How can you blame me for still being here?

I understand you more than you know now. I just wish things didn't have to go this far. I just wish you didn't shut me out like this - if only you could put yourself in my position as well.

I'm your friend, not your enemy. I am not trying to tell you what to do, I am not trying to fish for any answers. I am just trying to maybe help you make sense of all that has happened, as I was a part of it too.

I was there...remember? The cat who purred under your furry ears and who couldn't stop smiling at your dimples?

I have locked my heart now, and only you have the key.
Hopeless I know. Weak I know. But that is how it is, and I chose to live that way- until all hope is gone.

Maybe one day you will realize, maybe you won't.
Until then, I am here, and no matter how complex you are, my heart isn't going anywhere.

Sorry for being so intense and harsh. This isn't a guilt post nor a punishment. I only mean well. I just wish you didn't shut me out like this, it wasnt my aim. Not at all. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and its hurtful.

Please try to see it from my point of view, rather than seeing my attempts as stubborn, egoistic and disrespectful towards you.

You and I, aren't that different afterall, lilla nos....

with love, always..
katt =(^..^)=

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Reflections of a broken heart

These past days my head has been working overtime in order to find some sense in all that has happened these past couple of months. For me, it is the only way to find any sort of insight. It is hard for me to know where to start - THAT is how intense my life has been during such a short time. I've been on a car ride of 300km/h it seems, without seat belt, but with the warning signs I neglected to see.

That is how my heart works. I followed it. I took a chance, even though it was such an intense rush. When we are in the middle of the ride, we can't stop, we just go for it - so I followed my heart. Never for a moment did it feel wrong, nor does it now, after the car crash. However, I would have given anything to have known then, what I know now, so I could have been less impulsive. The reason to why I stand here alone.

Along the way, I crashed into some warning signs & I drove over some people along the way, blinded by the fog. Because when one is in the middle of such intensity, one can't use logic. It is humanly impossible. That is how we are.

We make mistakes, but they don't define who we are. Everything is relative. Nothing is ever black nor white, It is rather a shade of grey. But we can't go on and on applying rules to our lives. "Could, would, should.." I find it hard to follow the rules, if my heart is completely taken back by something it hadn't felt before, who am i to tell it to step on the breaks and take it easy?

Sometimes we are taken by surprise, and we do the best we can do, in the middle of the situation. It is simply bound to happen. I risked everything for him. I went beyond the rules of logic, I went beyond my morals and as a human cliché as it may sound, I felt scared of losing him, so I did what I thought was best then. I took a chance. I grasped his hand as hard as I could, but it slipped away. I struggled within myself.

I looked for inner strength, when I hardly had any. I was shattered by my past, I was an emotional mess trying to handle the past the best way I could, trying so hard not to hurt anyone important along the way. I thought I could juggle my new life with the past, without hurting anyone, but in the end thats the idea I gave to my surroundings. I was insecure, I wasn't myself. I couldn't give him myself completely. I couldn't show him the 100% me. He rather saw an image of me on a broken glass.

I was trying too hard, too fast. And THAT, I realize now. I realize I wasn't being fair to my past nor to you, my present. But what Is a girl in the middle of the fog, and in love, to do? I could not see the signs. I wanted him too much, too fast.

But looking back, it is easy to analyse. I was just being human. Doing the best I thought I could, in the middle of the fog. I was in love, what the hell was I suppose to do other than try the best I could back then?

I understand i crushed his trust, I understand he got scared and it made him feel bad. I get all of that now. It was too much, too fast - but one thing is absolutely true : It was real, and we had potential, and I tried my best, but I was only a half-heart, half-human. The trust I wanted to give, the girl I wanted him to see was only the reflection of a girl on a broken mirror. No wonder he saw the twisted image of me. Although understanding why he drew back, why he felt lost, it feels incredibly unfair.

The moments we shared were real, the smiles were real, and the times we spent together were incredibly good, but I was only half the girl he saw. I saw him in me. And this truly kills me.

Had I waited, had I taken it easy - but that's not how life goes, nor will it ever.

I know that no matter how much we try to do things correctly, no matter how moraly correct we are, no matter how we follow the rules, we will always make mistakes, we will always go through trial and errors, we will always give the best we can, during new & unfamiliar circumstances. It doesn't make us worse people, nor people who can't be trusted.

I was half the potential I could have shown him, and although I worked so hard to to get out of the fog, and I did, even that, wasn't enough to ease his heart.

I understand him now, but it doesn't ease my heart.

..But does it have to be so punishing? Does it really?

It all was unplanned,
I had a grasp on it,
But then it all slipped out of my hand,
I don't know what went across my mind,
Everything I think, I feel, is undefined..

__________________________________________________________

Heart of stone

Turning your heart to stone, doesnt save you. Stone shatters, and when it does, it hurts more. Your words, driven into me like the sharpest of nails, even if you dont realize. Its what you get, for not having a little hope. But it's safe for me to say that you remind me of the constellations ...The ones dreamers place all their concentration on - While they gaze into the skies looking for the one that falls, so that they can put the pieces back together...

________________________________________________________________

Valentines Party @ 7:7

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Seeing beyond the haze

So many things that I wasn't able to see clearly & understand before..

I think about "The Little Prince" What he meant by: "Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.)

I always thought about these lines as somewhat regressive and sentimentalist. Whenever I feel regressive and sentimental I agreed a great deal, but at other times I refused that such a thing as "heart" does exist. Heart is blood pumping organ. Everything goes on in the brain. But then who really can say that the Little Prince meant "the heart", the cardiovascular organ itself? Heart is the essence of the knowledge and thoughts we glean upon the earth during our stay. The eyes see things as they are, the brain inadvertantly calculates and compiles the knowledge in relationship to the others, creating thoughts.

But what is the essence of thoughts? How do they relate to who we are? What good is the clarity of "thought" if it means nothing else other than something unto its own? What good is thinking for its own sake? What good is understanding without realizing? What is the point of "knowing" unless it changes who we are?

Maybe it is because I only trusted my eyes and my intellect, I didn't grasp the essence of things that I knew. I failed to see the truth behind what I already knew. I crunched the numbers and data, I've compiled the thoughts and knowledge but didn't know what to do with them.

"The knowledge without love is a burden to heart." Love or heart, essence or realization, I have carried the burden of truth for far too long without letting it reflect on my existence. What was essential was invisible to my eyes and my thoughts.

I only realized it after the storm, when everything settled, and now it's all becoming clearer to me, although the "punishment" im getting doesn't fit the crime..

I just wish I didn't have to lose someone so important in order to gain the lesson. It shouldn't have to be that way..

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What a mysterious emotion.
Passion.

It has not the same taste as
Love.

It is rather acidic.

But, it belongs with love,
As it is a precursor to it (at times).

Because even the most tongue buring,
Passion fruit (named after its taste),
Gains a sweetness (of love) at the
End.

Passion..

It could be:
A state of Confusion,
A state of Lust,
A state of Trust.
A state of belonging.

But so much more.

So why am I sending out,
This (mixed) message of emotions?

I would like to know also.

But,
I do not know.
I do not know.

However,
I hope and wish,
(With all my mind, soul, and being)
We can end,
Not as an overly sour pulp.
And nor a bitter one.

Rather,
An ever Sweet one.

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K

I've paid so much for one incident; I feel I'm caught between warring nations. Hurting you, my love, was an accident. I don't know where all your forgiveness went. I needed love, not your allegations. I've regreated too long for one incident. One day you were love & hope, the next you were fear & indifference. I couldn't deal with those hesitations. But hurting you, love, was an accident..

I want to trip inside your head, spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said and see what you might see.
There is no failure here sweetheart, just when you quit...

"Varför skulle det vara någon skillnad nu? Everything comes to an end. Även bra saker. Speciellt bra saker. Jag är inte rädd, bara trött på att tappa bort mig själv igen."

Precis..

Break down the walls that say you can't

This is my anthem, my instruction for life:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all your actions. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. Spend some time alone every day. Approach love with reckless abandon. Share your knowledge, it’s a way to achieve immortality. Be gentle with the earth & dance like nobody’s watching...

You matter

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met. And i knew that to you and into your life i had to get. I felt light-headed at the touch of this strangers hand - an assault my defences systematically failed to withstand, cuz you came at a time when the pursuit of one true love in which to fall was the be all and end all. Love is only a feeling, when im in your arms i start believing - but love is only a feeling..

Anyway... The state of elevation that this union of hearts achieved, i had seen, i had touched, i had tasted and i truly believed that every little lost piece of the puzzle would find its place and create the harmony we both long for..live for..

I'm a lover, but i'm a fighter too. I'll never stop believing, because not taking a risk, is the biggest risk of them all..

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Nissus, gordo, gordo-preto, preto-gordo, farty cat, kitty cat..R.I.P

R.I.P Nissus - min lilla underbara katt. Kommer aldrig förlåta mig själv, jag kunde ha räddat dig, eller åtminstonde försökt...Du hade världens konstigaste karaktär, men det var just det som gjorde dig så speciell och älskad av oss alla. Aldrig har jag skrattat så mycket åt dig. Du var en stor del av våra liv och var med så länge, nästan sedan vi kom till Sverige.

Du var och kommer alltid finnas i mitt hjärta. Förlåt...I am going to miss you so much.

14/01-07 @)--'-,-'---

Cat's Dream BY Pablo Neruda

How neatly a cat sleeps,
sleeps with its paws and its posture,
sleeps with its wicked claws,
and with its unfeeling blood,
sleeps with all the rings--
a series of burnt circles--
which have formed the odd geology
of its sand-colored tail.

I should like to sleep like a cat,
with all the fur of time,
with a tongue rough as flint,
with the dry sex of fire;
and after speaking to no one,
stretch myself over the world,
over roofs and landscapes,
with a passionate desire
to hunt the rats in my dreams.

I have seen how the cat asleep
would undulate, how the night
flowed through it like dark water;
and at times, it was going to fall
or possibly plunge into
the bare deserted snowdrifts.
Sometimes it grew so much in sleep
like a tiger's great-grandfather,
and would leap in the darkness over
rooftops, clouds and volcanoes.

Sleep, sleep cat of the night,
with episcopal ceremony
and your stone-carved moustache.
Take care of all our dreams;
control the obscurity
of our slumbering prowess
with your relentless heart
and the great ruff of your tail

The age of uncertainty

Each decade of our lives differ to a great amount from eachother - not only do we physically change, but our priorities and needs change too. Isn't it interesting to realize how much we still are to surprise ourselves? In our 20's we are somewhat built to take a lot for granted, since so much comes our way and to say the least, we are bombarded with social activities and intense discoveries and encounters. We become very egoistic. Thus, finding ourselves overwhelmed with so many opportunities and choices to take..Like a spunge absorbing desperately every water drop there is in its surrounding. This is exactly why I find myself in my "20-to-30 decade" insecurity and lack of trust for the people I chose to bring into my personal circle. I trust them to a certain extent, but I make a point of reminding myself to be extra careful in order to protect myself.

I believe there is only so much one can expect from others in this time of our lives.
I have seen the rainbow turn black, and it isn't a nice sight - taken to account that you are not prepared for the aftermath the heart has to deal with - but that is part of life, part of the process everybody goes through in life, at some point & in one way or the other. Life would be pretty dull and pointless otherwise, come to think of it.

I try to enjoy this period because I know this is a unique time of my life, which won't repeat itself in the next decade to come. I enjoy the pain and the pleasure the post teenage angst towards young adulthood brings me.

Although, sometimes I wish my mind didn't have to work overtime thinking so much as it usually does. I'm not paranoic, I just have a general uneasiness towards everything and everyone who becomes part of my life - because I know I can't expect much from them at this point in our lives. We are ever changing now, and the vows we preach today, the love & dedication we stand by, may bring us a less loving tone tomorrow. It takes a lot for someone in our age to stand by their words and their hearts - However there is a rare breed of those out there.

Human nature desires so much, loathes iddleness, and the curiosity is never ending - Is that the reason why most people who marry in their 20's divorce around their 30-somethings? Is it because we are not quite mature for the commitment? Passion is a drug.

We want it so much, we could do anything in order to have it. It brings us to a temporary insanity and although I am an addict myself, I know it could be very missleading if we abuse of it. That is probably why I haven't jumped into so many relationships. I don't want to spend my time on just anyone, because passion gradually decreases with time in a relationship (you know, the cocoon phase), and that is when everything settles, and true love kicks in - the real devotion, the long-term partnership we all seek. It is when you STILL love someone without the pink clouds lingering around.. It is the final arduous test - when we see the person for exactly what they are - full of annoying and wonderful defects, but also with all those wonderful things which we can't live without..

We should not worry so much, because in the end, our instincts will let us know wether we are investing in the right person or not.

That is the only thing we can rely on.

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2006. FINITO. 2007. Hope.

Happy new Years. Gott nytt år.
Feliz ano novo!!!!!!!
Wishing all of you a fresh new
start.....

My year in a few words:

Uppsala. Flogsta - Josef. Danielle. Johanna. Andrew. Laurent. My sister - sizzle 1. School. Sushi. Sleepless nights. Personal development. Volleyball matches in Ångström. Summer. Family. Brother reunion. Waterpipe - a lot. Fika. Instinct. Decisions. Love. Frustration. Discovery. Sadness. Rainbow. Special K. War. Climate change. Corridor life. Valborg. Alessandra (the sweetest little thing). Carl & Jarl. Late nights. Music, a lot of music. Exchange students. Rule-breaking. Heartbreaking. Heart mending. Family. Self discovery. Emotional turmoil. Learning. Happiness. Hope. Light....

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Special K

Sometimes we have to hit rock-bottom in order to give ourselves the chance to stand up again and realize that there's a rainbow waiting for us, in the midst of all that darkness..
It's all about the right angle. Sometimes we don't see it, because we are standing in the wrong place. But I can see it clearly now.

I'm on my way...

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The aftermath of a fallen wonderland

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the lack of sleep of these past days, but today, it all flood down, without my consent. Emotional batter.

I thought I had handled it so well, but I guess It's normal. I'm human after all. I need to go through this.
A lot to process, but above all, a great lesson.I guess i'm just afraid of the fog.

I'm glad you called..

One part of my heart smiles, to the other one that cries..

Welcome to the mourning & healing process..

@)---',-----

ps You know you'll always live in my heart, right?

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UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm,
A happy and auspicious bird of calm..

ps Danielle, Josef, Laurent & I - Gothenburgs nation, Uppsala - December 2006.

Metamorphosis of the self

One of the most beautiful yet mysterious things in life must be human nature. So complex, yet so simple - all at once, like an explosion of firework with all the colors of the rainbow, drawing poetry in the sky.

I have come to realize how our insights come upon. You know, in that split second when you make peace with yourself, when the last piece of the puzzle is found - where you know where you stand & how we make sense of our very own unique selfs. Human beings are so interesting, because when we think we have control of something, when we think we understand something, it surprises us. Then our insecurity kicks in. What we once held as truth, is in fact, everything but the truth. Once again, we have to reflect all over again, spend some time reflecting, feeling..in order to make sense of it all again. Humans evolve all the time, and so does our behaviour.

Our experiences do bring us lessons, but it brings us an incredible burden as well - we know we have to make peace with the past, in order to remain sane, in order not to lose our hopes. Because human beings live on hope. And its the only way for us to move on, and keep on living, without that bitter aftertaste. So many times I have been disappointed with people. My expectations weren't met, my thoughts became messed up, and nothing made sense. I'd usually sit down and wonder what went wrong, and what i could have learnt from that experience - however, without losing my innocence, my thrust for life and all those overwhelming feelings which pumps our bloods through our veins, keeping us alive.

I've come to realize that in order to get insight, we cant possibly do it on our own. Sometimes we meet amazing creatures who reflect the hope that we need. That small piece of the puzzle. However we create great mistakes by taking in these people in our lives with such great hopes - because we see hope for us, in them, we become dependent on them - and that is where we miss the point.

In order to feel good in our skins again, to find a direction in which we should live by, get that security back we should receive these people, with arms wide open, but realizing that they are only tools which help us realize things we knew unconsciously, but which had to be grabbed by someone outside our very selves in order to realize it was in there all along.

That is why we feel so confused and lonely when life turn its back on us, the disapointment is so big, sometimes we believe we will never find the energy to stand up again - simply for the fact that we put all our faith in the people who help us out of the tunnel, when in fact, the truth and the hope was still burning inside of us...we just needed that little push.....a little help from the outside.. On the other hand, I love it when I meet these angels which bring me to knew insights. One thing i know for sure, this is my truth, and its unchangeable... Maybe thats the only way in order for one not to become bitter? Who knows..

I dont expect anything from them. I dont demand anything from them. Yet, i receive so much in return. An overwhelming bliss.

You can still shed some fire in your heart, without getting burnt..

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Global Orgasm

The other day I received the weirdest link ever, from Rafael (also known as garrafita), a crazy brazilian friend of mine. I thought of sharing this with you, dear bloggers, because afterall, we are meant to spread the good word out there, aren't we?

This is what I he sent me:

Global Orgasm is a global event scheduled for December 22, 2006 in order to coincide with the end of solstice. The idea is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm during this one day while thinking about peace so as to emit a positive energy on Earth.

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW.

And i am damn serious, this is a project led by nontheless, Standford University.


So now you know what you have to do (for a good cause, of course)

For more information visit the oficial homepage @ http://globalorgasm.org/
and for a quick preview visit http://www.globalorgasm.org/demo.html

Countdown: 7 days and 20 hrs

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PAST. PRESENT. FUTURE

I always live in the present. The future - i dont know it. The past - I no longer have it. The one weighs on me like the possibility of everything, the other weighs on me like the reality of nothingness.

I have neither hope nor nostalgia. Knowing what my life has been until today - so many times and in so many ways the oposite of what i would have wanted it to be - what can i assume about my life in the future except that it will be what i do not assume - what happens to me outwardly, even through my will? I dont even have anything in my past that i remember with the useless desire to repeat it. I want it to remain in its unatainable beauty of what it once was. I am not even nostalgic for the sensations i had in lost moments : what we feel is what the moment demanded; when the moment passes, a page is turned and the story continues, but not the text...

Hey you, are you happy? do you like what you are making of your life? Do you live for the past, the present or the future?

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The mind is a razorblade

T onight i gave myself the chance to sleep at a decent hour - 21pm. I woke up about 2 times and the 3d time i woke up at at 01:45. I don't know what it is that keeps me up so late at night. I've noticed I am night person. The world seems calmer & everybody is asleep. No stress, no rush, no sound but the rain drops clinging on my window.

It is a very cosy feeling, indeed. My late nights became a habit 2 years ago. Partly because of the people in the corridor, and the thousands of discussions we used to have. Most of us feel lonely or just need a shoulder to lean on at night, when the noise is gone, and we are reminded of our own troubles - mediocre or not, however, still making themselves reminded during the loud silence every night brings us.

That reminds me how friends are crucial and important. Not that I didnt know that before, but when as our lives are quite intense right now, like a sucking spunge grasping every drop of water, we need our friends in order to help us remain sane. I would be completely lost without them.
My thoughts are always going 150km/h and it doesn't help that i am an impulsive person. Sometimes i get myself into situations without consulting myself on the matter.

I often find myself in a twilight zone wondering: "How did I get here?" and "What led me to this?" Quite scary.

But havent you noticed that you too, have done this?

I believe we arent in full control and awareness of what our feelings/emotions can do. Sometimes, our feelings/emotions do us a favor and leads us into this unknown path, without even asking our logic self if that is a good idea. It works for us because it wants to tell us something, because our logic self would never be so impulsive and thoughtful. Of course not, logic doesnt work that way..its our careful part of the brain, while the wild child emotional part of the brain is trying to tell us or warn something is wrong and that we only live once...Take the leap or else!
It keeps us from getting stuck in oblivion. Mine is telling me: Open your eyes..

What are yours telling you?

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