Sitting on a friday night in my bed while writing without any real purpose, in the most old fashioned way possible - with a piece of paper and a pen.
However, this time I am in my new home in the city center of Aix-En-Provence in the southernest of France. Plus belle la vie!!!!!!
I have forgotten how fulfilling it is in simply taking an easy night in on a friday night.
I SHOULD be out, like 98% of the population of Aix, but I decided that i SHOULD not anything but what I really felt like doing - being the resting 2%. At home.
I think the word SHOULD should be banned from our vocabulary. That word carries such an anguishing negative conotation that I see no point in adopting it into my life, other than bringing more stressy anguish and pressure?
I am in the height of my youth, with many possiblities ahead, and many decisions to make.
Constantly divided by 2 home countries, constantly questioning where home really is. Constantly being questioned by parents. CONSTAAAANTLY!!!!!
Is the grass really greener on the other side or are we preconditioned by a insatiable society to always be on the search? I wonder..
It is not the jobs we will get nor the amount of digits in our paycheck that will give us the answer. I am sure it does affect to a certain extent but it is certainly not the main factor.
For me, home is where the heart is. As we heard it all before... When you have your friends and their support, when you feel like you have the freedom to do whatever the hell you want, when you feel like you are always evolving and learning..
Simply when the shit hits the fan; and you know you will have your friends right there to clean up the mess...
During the short moments of happiness I have felt, I was surrounded by real friends, in a country which let me make my own choices and which gave me the freedom to do whatever I felt like doing. In a country where I biked home at 4am and watched the odd 2am sunrise, without feeling scared of biking home alone and breathing the freshest of airs. I remember biking home and simply being happy and complete. I am not sure I was aware of it then. Small details i always took for granted - funny how 2 weeks abroad can bring some perspective. France is the time-out I greatly need. I have been fighting too long with Sweden and thanks to my sister I am slowly understanding that it isnt all that bad ( other than the crappy nordic weather ). Maybe stepping out for a while is all I really need to figure it out.....
It doesnt take much to grasp happiness. One simply has to be aware of the suttle details of our every day because it can easily disappear if you dont acknowledge it. And just like that you will end up in the 98% bracket.
I really do hope I make peace with Sweden and figure where I will finally settle. Adventures abroad are great, but it isnt sustainable in the long run. In the end, I will want be close to the people that matter, in a country of possibilities, not obstacles. Is that realistic?
I may be unstable, chaotic, confused, mutable, up in the clouds and so on. But I will never be what others such as family expect me to be. Afterall, its in my chaotic, all over the place - nature that I find all the answers I will ever need to lead my own life..and in the shape of things to come.
como tudo deve ser..
