On veut trop être quelqu'un.

Henri MICHAUX, Plume, postface

Lessons learnt

I am actually quite reserved as a person. This may come as a surprise to a few, but those who know me well, know I have my safety walls around me. However, this past year has taught me to let my guard down a tad. Risk a little, live a little.

A year where I had to isolate myself from family and all-things-related-to-Sweden, although I am well aware I have damaged my relation to them to an extent.

I let myself lose myself in a foreign environment, in order to find myself again. I felt like a wild animal aimlessly roaming free. What a feeling....what a rush!

My former "I would never" turned into "Well ok, I'll try this and see where it takes me.."

Most of the outcomes hurt me deeply. Afterall, I am a deliberate emotional masochist, and that is ok - because now I know what I want, and do not want in my life. The older we get, the pickier we get too...thankfully.

Taking an example from one of my experiences: I've shared great moments with les gars in France. Moments I will never forget. But on the other hand, It is scaringly easy to fake intimacy & utter sweet nothings into that person ears, making the moment less.....genuine.

Hard is to commit and take the time to really see the person and fully love them for who they are, and not the idea of who you expect them to be as you put them on that unrealistic pedestal.

There is simply no space in my life for futilities anymore. Gone are the days of investing on empty promises and holding on to criterias of how things should be. Because things will never turn out the way you want them to. Everything follows its own direction, and so it will always be.

So yes, It is a great feeling to challenge oneself, and I advice you to do so as often as you can. Constantly breaking barriers, letting go of that safety net a little, takes you to places you never thought you'd go - and all of that, within yourself. No plane ticket needed.

Oh, the places you'll see.....

Au revoir, for now.

It's done. I have left my beloved country of France and returned to Sweden. The safety net that kindly took me under its wings for 10 months. 10 months of intense, perspective-changing, core-shaking months. Positive and negative experiences - but necessary experiences nonetheless.

Who I was before, Is a vague and blurry memory in my mind. Who I am now, I am slowly exploring......Slowly landing on the ground, my heart both smiles and cries. A mix of bittersweet, nostalgic feelings. What has been, will never return. However, the essence will eternally live within me. It was the fire I needed to feed inside of me. My wake up call - A direction, a feeling, a perspective.

I know what I want & I know where I want to be. I am nervous, aprehensive but excited for what is to come.

Thank you France, and to all the wonderful people I met there.

"Partir, partir, pourquoi vouloir partir? Partir, sans savoir si l'on va revenir. Parfois l'on part, sans savoir où l'on va. Parfois partir n'est pas ce que l'on croit. Partir pour fuir ses responsabilitées, ou partir pour plus de facilitées...."

Home is where the heart is