2006. FINITO. 2007. Hope.

Happy new Years. Gott nytt år.
Feliz ano novo!!!!!!!
Wishing all of you a fresh new
start.....

My year in a few words:

Uppsala. Flogsta - Josef. Danielle. Johanna. Andrew. Laurent. My sister - sizzle 1. School. Sushi. Sleepless nights. Personal development. Volleyball matches in Ångström. Summer. Family. Brother reunion. Waterpipe - a lot. Fika. Instinct. Decisions. Love. Frustration. Discovery. Sadness. Rainbow. Special K. War. Climate change. Corridor life. Valborg. Alessandra (the sweetest little thing). Carl & Jarl. Late nights. Music, a lot of music. Exchange students. Rule-breaking. Heartbreaking. Heart mending. Family. Self discovery. Emotional turmoil. Learning. Happiness. Hope. Light....

_________________________________________________________

Special K

Sometimes we have to hit rock-bottom in order to give ourselves the chance to stand up again and realize that there's a rainbow waiting for us, in the midst of all that darkness..
It's all about the right angle. Sometimes we don't see it, because we are standing in the wrong place. But I can see it clearly now.

I'm on my way...

_________________________________________________________

The aftermath of a fallen wonderland

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the lack of sleep of these past days, but today, it all flood down, without my consent. Emotional batter.

I thought I had handled it so well, but I guess It's normal. I'm human after all. I need to go through this.
A lot to process, but above all, a great lesson.I guess i'm just afraid of the fog.

I'm glad you called..

One part of my heart smiles, to the other one that cries..

Welcome to the mourning & healing process..

@)---',-----

ps You know you'll always live in my heart, right?

_________________________________________________________

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm,
A happy and auspicious bird of calm..

ps Danielle, Josef, Laurent & I - Gothenburgs nation, Uppsala - December 2006.

Metamorphosis of the self

One of the most beautiful yet mysterious things in life must be human nature. So complex, yet so simple - all at once, like an explosion of firework with all the colors of the rainbow, drawing poetry in the sky.

I have come to realize how our insights come upon. You know, in that split second when you make peace with yourself, when the last piece of the puzzle is found - where you know where you stand & how we make sense of our very own unique selfs. Human beings are so interesting, because when we think we have control of something, when we think we understand something, it surprises us. Then our insecurity kicks in. What we once held as truth, is in fact, everything but the truth. Once again, we have to reflect all over again, spend some time reflecting, feeling..in order to make sense of it all again. Humans evolve all the time, and so does our behaviour.

Our experiences do bring us lessons, but it brings us an incredible burden as well - we know we have to make peace with the past, in order to remain sane, in order not to lose our hopes. Because human beings live on hope. And its the only way for us to move on, and keep on living, without that bitter aftertaste. So many times I have been disappointed with people. My expectations weren't met, my thoughts became messed up, and nothing made sense. I'd usually sit down and wonder what went wrong, and what i could have learnt from that experience - however, without losing my innocence, my thrust for life and all those overwhelming feelings which pumps our bloods through our veins, keeping us alive.

I've come to realize that in order to get insight, we cant possibly do it on our own. Sometimes we meet amazing creatures who reflect the hope that we need. That small piece of the puzzle. However we create great mistakes by taking in these people in our lives with such great hopes - because we see hope for us, in them, we become dependent on them - and that is where we miss the point.

In order to feel good in our skins again, to find a direction in which we should live by, get that security back we should receive these people, with arms wide open, but realizing that they are only tools which help us realize things we knew unconsciously, but which had to be grabbed by someone outside our very selves in order to realize it was in there all along.

That is why we feel so confused and lonely when life turn its back on us, the disapointment is so big, sometimes we believe we will never find the energy to stand up again - simply for the fact that we put all our faith in the people who help us out of the tunnel, when in fact, the truth and the hope was still burning inside of us...we just needed that little push.....a little help from the outside.. On the other hand, I love it when I meet these angels which bring me to knew insights. One thing i know for sure, this is my truth, and its unchangeable... Maybe thats the only way in order for one not to become bitter? Who knows..

I dont expect anything from them. I dont demand anything from them. Yet, i receive so much in return. An overwhelming bliss.

You can still shed some fire in your heart, without getting burnt..

_____________________________________________

Global Orgasm

The other day I received the weirdest link ever, from Rafael (also known as garrafita), a crazy brazilian friend of mine. I thought of sharing this with you, dear bloggers, because afterall, we are meant to spread the good word out there, aren't we?

This is what I he sent me:

Global Orgasm is a global event scheduled for December 22, 2006 in order to coincide with the end of solstice. The idea is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm during this one day while thinking about peace so as to emit a positive energy on Earth.

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW.

And i am damn serious, this is a project led by nontheless, Standford University.


So now you know what you have to do (for a good cause, of course)

For more information visit the oficial homepage @ http://globalorgasm.org/
and for a quick preview visit http://www.globalorgasm.org/demo.html

Countdown: 7 days and 20 hrs

__________________________________________________________

PAST. PRESENT. FUTURE

I always live in the present. The future - i dont know it. The past - I no longer have it. The one weighs on me like the possibility of everything, the other weighs on me like the reality of nothingness.

I have neither hope nor nostalgia. Knowing what my life has been until today - so many times and in so many ways the oposite of what i would have wanted it to be - what can i assume about my life in the future except that it will be what i do not assume - what happens to me outwardly, even through my will? I dont even have anything in my past that i remember with the useless desire to repeat it. I want it to remain in its unatainable beauty of what it once was. I am not even nostalgic for the sensations i had in lost moments : what we feel is what the moment demanded; when the moment passes, a page is turned and the story continues, but not the text...

Hey you, are you happy? do you like what you are making of your life? Do you live for the past, the present or the future?

________________________________________________________________

The mind is a razorblade

T onight i gave myself the chance to sleep at a decent hour - 21pm. I woke up about 2 times and the 3d time i woke up at at 01:45. I don't know what it is that keeps me up so late at night. I've noticed I am night person. The world seems calmer & everybody is asleep. No stress, no rush, no sound but the rain drops clinging on my window.

It is a very cosy feeling, indeed. My late nights became a habit 2 years ago. Partly because of the people in the corridor, and the thousands of discussions we used to have. Most of us feel lonely or just need a shoulder to lean on at night, when the noise is gone, and we are reminded of our own troubles - mediocre or not, however, still making themselves reminded during the loud silence every night brings us.

That reminds me how friends are crucial and important. Not that I didnt know that before, but when as our lives are quite intense right now, like a sucking spunge grasping every drop of water, we need our friends in order to help us remain sane. I would be completely lost without them.
My thoughts are always going 150km/h and it doesn't help that i am an impulsive person. Sometimes i get myself into situations without consulting myself on the matter.

I often find myself in a twilight zone wondering: "How did I get here?" and "What led me to this?" Quite scary.

But havent you noticed that you too, have done this?

I believe we arent in full control and awareness of what our feelings/emotions can do. Sometimes, our feelings/emotions do us a favor and leads us into this unknown path, without even asking our logic self if that is a good idea. It works for us because it wants to tell us something, because our logic self would never be so impulsive and thoughtful. Of course not, logic doesnt work that way..its our careful part of the brain, while the wild child emotional part of the brain is trying to tell us or warn something is wrong and that we only live once...Take the leap or else!
It keeps us from getting stuck in oblivion. Mine is telling me: Open your eyes..

What are yours telling you?

________________________________________________________________

Sweden's by far, best band, KENT live at Roskilde 2000 festival. Love it. I always play this song on the last volume.





_________________________________________________________________

Picture description: Saturday night with my favorite exchange students who live in my corridor.

This is a pre-party we had, which was probably the highlight of that evening. It is amazing how much fun It can be with only 3 people.

That is what tequila does to you.. don't we look good!!!!

More pictures of that evening and film will be posted later during the week.

Hope ya'll had a good weekend.

Puss puss!

_______________________________________________________

Lost in translation

Alright, today I am feeling quirky, so I will follow that pattern and post yet another funny post, but this post is for my grand swedish audience.
I was reading through a student magazine and found some interesting common mistakes swedes commit when they directly translate swedish expressions to english. Priceless.

They are the following:

:: Och nu tar vi oss en bensträckare - And now we will have some bonestretching!

:: Vill du ha kaffe på maten? - Would you like coffee on the food?

:: Hor du du! - Hear you you!

:: Jag anar ugglor i mossen. - I suppose owls in the swamp.

:: Dear friends, we are the same guys as before, although we have lost our pricks. - När Götabanken blev GOTA BANK.

:: I am a man who likes to have my balls in the air. - Svensk affärsman

:: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to this technical mess. - Svensk politiker öppnar internationell handelsmässa.

:: I am in the beginning of my period. - Nyutnämda danska ministern Marianne Jelved.

:: And now the prick over the "I". - Danska kulturminister till den församlade internationella pressen.



Common signs that reflect that you have been in Sweden for to long when..


:: A stranger smiles at you and you suppose that He/she is drunk, crazy or american.

:: You find it completely normal to wear sandals with socks.

:: You have only 2 emotion expressions : Smile and indifference.

:: You wear shorts and t-shirt when its 10 degrees in July, just because its July.

:: When a stranger adresses himself/herself to you in the street and you completely ignore them and move on.

::You find it natural that nightclubs require one to be 25 years or older.

::You become extremely annoyed by the fact that the buss is 2 minutes late.


__________________________________________________________

Harold's planet


These are my favorite characters in the moment, and i will be posting from time to time, my favorite stories ;)
Super funny... Just gotta love it.



PS The "deadline" post is dedicated for my sister. She knows what I mean, hehehe .



Have a nice wednesday y'all!

_______________________________________________________________

BEAUTY DISTORTION -must see!




________________________________________________________________________________

Good old fashioned breaking up methods are soooo yesterday!



Do you remember when you started dating someone, you thought for the millionth time that you hit the jackpot, but the moment the cocoon phase ended, reality set in and..with all its ugly colours manifested itself in a way that it didn't really meet your expectations?
And now you stand there, across that person you were so sure was exceptional, not knowing how to..jump on the next train without hurting the persons feelings? God that is awful. Really, its more awful to me because I have been in that unglamorous situation - the not so exceptional girl (or maybe the guy was just a damn asshole, which he was, but thats another story..).

ANYHOW!

Now when you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation where you don't know exactly what to say to the person because you dont want to hurt their feelings, what do you do? Pay for a company to break up with the guy/girl for you! Yes, that is true. The other day i read about this company that does the dirty work for you. For 20 euros not only do you get rid of the burden but, GET STAMPED WITH AN "ASSHOLE POST-IT" on your forehead (!) - very Mr Burger lame post-it break up methods with Carry in SATC. What is wrong with the world!!!!

Ugh! I can't believe such company exists - and that people actually pay for them to break up for you - what a humiliating situation .

Looking back, I'm happy that I never got such a phone call nor a visit, and instead got a good old fashioned humiliating kick on my ass from this one asshole who dumped me the very old fashioned way. I will never complain again..hahaha!!

God forbid I ever have to waste 20 euros in order to break up with an "exceptional" person.


ps exceptional - surpassing what is common or usual or expected; "he paid especial attention to her"; "exceptional kindness"; "a matter of particular and unusual importance"; "a special occasion"; "a special reason to confide in her"; "what's so special about the year 2000?" ds

Over and out!


__________________________________________________________

WHAT'S IN A NAME?
























I have been wanting to post on this very subject for a while, but now I have gotten around to do it, for your amusement!

As I am an Oprah fanatic fan, on one of her shows a few months ago, she interviewed Rachel Ray, who hosts on the Food Network "30 minute Meals" where she cooks good quality, home-cooked meals which can be prepared in matter of 30minutes tops. Pretty clever!

On Oprah, she introduced us to the by far most interesting dish named "You Won't Be Single Long vodka cream pasta".
The origin of this recipe? According to Rachel, she received many letters fro m fans requesting a recipe which could help them hook up with the fellas! And that is how it came upon. Fact is, it works! Quoting Rachael - "Some are even getting married or have gotten married. So it works!" So for all of you single hopefulls, here is the recipe. I am curious myself, I will prepare it and see if I can get my boyfriend to fall in love with me again - haha!. I may even try it with some of my female friends who are in the verge of hooking up with fellas, so its high times for that, i must say!

Pasta& vodka = hook up? ..makes sense to me. Here is why:

* Guys love food, and pasta is full of carbs which makes their stomachs happy --> they get drunk of the vodka in the pasta --> our men become drunk followed by a full and satusfied stomach -->(which leads to the final result) - happy, and willing guy, ready to be used and abused.

YES!

Anybody who has a better theory??

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, once around the pan in a slow stream
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 shallots, minced
• 1 cup vodka
• 1 cup chicken stock
• 1 can crushed tomatoes (32 ounces)
• Coarse salt and pepper
• 16 ounces pasta, such as penne rigate
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 20 leaves fresh basil, shredded or torn

Serve with:

• Crusty bread, for passing

Heat a large skillet over moderate heat. Add oil, butter, garlic and shallots. Gently sauté shallots for 3 to 5 minutes to develop their sweetness. Add vodka to the pan (3 turns around the pan in a steady stream will equal about 1 cup). Reduce vodka by half, this will take 2 or 3 minutes. Add chicken stock, tomatoes. Bring sauce to a bubble and reduce heat to simmer. Season with salt and pepper. While sauce simmers, cook pasta in salted boiling water until cooked to al dente (with a bite to it). While pasta cooks, prepare your salad or other side dishes. Stir cream into sauce. When sauce returns to a bubble, remove it from heat. Drain pasta. Toss hot pasta with sauce and basil leaves. Pass pasta with crusty bread.



_______________________________________________________________

DO YOU REMEMBER?? [Ally McBeal series at its best]

IMPRISONED BY BAD DREAMS




I am becoming sick and tired of my constantly interrupted sleep.
Every night I dream bad dreams. It's always the same topic, but that I will keep to myself. I don't wish to describe it, other that It's disturbing my sleep and making me feel bad when Im awake as well. I don't want it :/
In the dreams themselves I am powerless, I feel a strong uneasiness and I never take a stand in my dreams - I let it take over, and that angers me to the core.

Reading through some explanation on dreams, I have found the following:

1. Dreams are metaphorical translations of waking expectations.
2. Expectations which cause emotional arousal that is not acted upon during the day to quell the arousal, become dreams during sleep.
3. Dreaming deactivates that emotional arousal by completing the expectation pattern metaphorically, freeing the brain to respond a fresh to each new day.
4. Dreams are seen as being projections of parts of oneself. Often these are parts that have been ignored, rejected or even suppressed. One aim of gestalt dream analysis is to accept and reintegrate these. The dream needs to be accepted in its own right - not broken down and analysed out of existence.

And to top it of In Islam, good dreams are considered to be from God and bad dreams from Satan - Now isn't that comforting?!

_________________________________________________________

WISE QUOTATION OF THE MONTH




_______________________________________________________________

TIME TO REACH OUT


I'm ready for the new chapter in my life.

In about 3 months my time in Uppsala will come to its end.
It has been so far, a year and a half of a lot of new experiences.
I will carry this experience with warmth in my heart throughout my life.

The corridor life is unique. The people one meets are amazing.
Moving away from home for the very first time was the scariest thing I have even gone through. But i had to move, it was important for my well being.

I was sad to leave, and felt lonely the first month. I remember my mom's expression on her face when the whole family brought me to Uppsala (Becca, Arjan, Mom and Dad) and helped me move - she looked sad to "let me go", and so did I.
But on the other hand it was exciting - everything was new. I was extremly shy the first months here. I remember not wanting to go out to the common kitchen and meet my 11 resting corridor mates. I hid in my room and all i had from the beginning was my boyfriend, who lives here in Uppsala.
Gradually I became more social, and looking back, I feel I have changed a lot, and on a personal level, I feel like I grew up - In a good way.

But little did I know, as the months passed by, people moved in and we began to become a big family. We played prank on eachother, played volley together, we made parties together & got drunk together, we cooked together and so on. People came and went. Amazing people whom I managed to bond in a short period of time, but who carry a lifetime of meaning to me and others not quite much, but that's how it goes. Sometimes you're lucky with the new people moving in, sometimes you're not. But all in all, it became home. These are the moments life is made of....

Uppsala for me is the Flogsta scream at 22am every bloody night (student tradition here in the Flogsta ghetto of Uppsala), the dirty corridor, the Cathedral, the nations, the common fridge, the bikes, the pranks, exchange students, waterpipe sessions, karaoke, the supermarket trips down here, movie nights, Daniel (this town will always remind me of you, as it is where it all began.....none of this would have been possible without your help, and i wouldn't have experienced this if it wasn't for your kind help. Your help came in a time I really needed it, and from a very unexpected source - so thank you, a million forevers @)-,'-'---)

I'm sad but at the same time i'm happy. I am preparing myself already, because I know I will feel strange the last weeks here.

Soon I will become a Stockholm student, and hopefully I will be moving in with my sister, and that will make the transition less painful.

There is so much feeling - it is impossible to describe..

I await nervously, hoping for the best.

I'm ready for the new chapter in my life.


__________________________________________________________

Hjärngympa

This is a fun/frustrating game for my swedish visitors (sorry guys!).

Man ska lista ut url-adressen till nästa sida, och totalt finns det 23 sidor.

För mig det svåraste var att lösa sida 22..

Jättekul men jag varnar, var utvilad!

Kommentera gärna!

http://www.internetlankar.se/spel/rebus/1.htm

_______________________________________________________________

A XUXU/VILLI/Daniel-san MOMENT



How smart are you? *VILLI* Jaaag ar jattesmart! IIIIKU paa 4000!! (quoting Daniel)

;)

ps I don't expect anyone to understand this post..

_____________________________________________________

EAT MY SUSHI?!

Hmm..I love sushi, but probably (definetly not) in this context. Somehow this does not open my apetite. Really. Even if I would be a guy...


This actually happens in some parts of the world.


If i'd be served sushi this way someday, sushi wouldn't be my favorite dish anymore, only if I become a lesbian.. (?)

________________________________________________________________

HOW I WISH I COULD SURRENDER MY SOUL..

In the midst of the doubt, the question mark, the unknown, the insecurity, I have found exactly that - security in the insecurity. For now.

Isn't that ironic? I have become partially imune to all of the things in my relationship which have been haunting me. Maybe it is a sort of defense mechanism which has kicked in?

I haven't made peace with the problems, but I have accepted the fact that it won't leave any time soon, and I couldn't possibly force things to occur unaturally.

Things will take its course, but I know much hangs on the will of both.

Another reason to why I have calmed down a bit is thanks to a friend who has opened my eyes, I thank you so much for that man - (you know who you are).

Sometimes I doubt my very own thoughts, as if I can't rely on my very own judgement. That is awful, I know.

He told me everything I wanted to hear, and it gave me hope. I saw a rare shade of light.

We discussed how relationships should work.

Let us take for example:

A couple who is going through a crisis and aren't sure they should stay together because the very reason to why they are in a crisis is because their differences have come foward in such a strong manner that it feels overwhelming to deal with it.

What should they do?

And that is when the magical answer saved my soul that day I heard him say the following words:

"Couples will always find problems and go through crisis. We will always find something that annoys us about the other and so on. You name it. Most of the time couples give up because they don't have the energy to put an effort in the relationship because it feels hopeless. Thus, better to close that chapter of their lives and move on and find someone more compatible.

But that's exactly it. It is a known fact that there will always be someone elses who are nicer, prettier, smarter, more alike us, more challening, more this and that, less fuss...And life would probably be more carefree, no doubt. But don't forget, If we really love someone, we accept the differences, we accept that it's going to be tough to deal with the differences and all the crisis to come, but we love these people, and that feeling is the only logic in this puzzle - when we chose to give up and find someone more compatible. Love can work in what we called "doomed relationships". There are couples out there who fight like cats and dogs and have dragon tempers, but who do love eachother with every drop of blood in their veins - and that we can't deny. That is all that matters. The love. No matter how different we are - what the hell!!

You are to find someone who shares that view with you. If that person doesn't, then you know, they aren't fighters, and they probably let love down, thinking if they give up and find someone more compatible, was the smartest thing to do, even if they would have it easier with their following partner, but who cares? It is giving up on who you love, and that is a great waste you will carry in your memory throughout your life...."

I breathed, and it all made sense to me, what I knew all along..wasn't a dreamers wish...

_________________________________________________________

WORDS CARRY POWERFUL MEANINGS

"I love you"

How many times haven't we heard these words? Everywhere it is. So much that it has lost its meaning.

"I love you" is said at any given situation just as much as "hello how are you? ".
Even though it has lost its enormous significance, I have realized how it affects my very own romantic life. I myself don't say it too often, but I do say.

Actions carry a far bigger meaning than words, so should we skip the burden of saying "I love you" back and feel satisfied with the actions? instead and let that be that? Are actions really enough to ensure us the feel good level in a relationship?
I am not sure about that, to tell you the truth.
I agree actions reflect reality and tells us much more, however as complex as us human beings are (or lets say women, alright), we need to hear these words once in a while. It rewards our hearts and makes us feel safe, so even I need it, despite of its overcomercialized use.

Now the question remains - am i a slave of Sex and the city-series and cosmo maganizes or do I actually have a point?

On the other hand I do understand that sometimes we go through tough patches in a relationship, when the stakes are high and any uncautious step can lead to its end.

The "I love you's" don't seem to fit in that picture. But then again, maybe we should say "I love you" sometimes, even during those periods, because those powerful words still behold of strong feelings - they can even save relationship crisis, or at least, keep it together when its holding on to any hope it can get.

Am i right or am I wrong? Opinions are more than welcome.


______________________________________________________

IN MEMORIAM - 9/11



They were all different in some way, but the same thing killed them - hatred.
We cannot be happy and we cannot have peace through hate and violence.
Hate divides us, makes us afraid of ours differences.
Only love can show that differences don't matter.
Life is short, so don't go wasting it on hating people.

Love isn't blind, it only sees what matters...





R.I.P





__________________________________________________________

PARIS - THE MUSIC HEIRESS


OOOOOh I'm sooo bad!
I couldn't resist this icon, but the truth is...I like Paris!
I mean, I know she isnt symbolizing the correct role model which affect so many insecure teens nowadays, but she knows how to market herself, and for that, I give her all the credit!

From time to time, I have to nourish my teenage needs and praise Paris Hilton's ability to sing, which is for my surprise, not that bad!

I just downloaded her new cd - It is simple, shallow, happy bubble gum, good beats, sexy, hot r&b pop!

So excuse me, but I really like it!

________________________________________________________________

mr cheesy

FLIRT SCHOOL DO'S & DO'S



Looking back at my past male conquests (I'm kidding!), I analyse how I managed to get them interested in me. To flirt successfully is sometimes harder than science. Reading through my 10.000 different magazines, I go through the flirting rules to see if I did the following:

	Smile
	Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the easiest things you can do to make yourself instantly attractive - and approachable - is to smile. [ ]

Look at him
Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin discovered that when deeply in love, couples look at each other when talking, and are slower to look away when someone else joins the conversation. Simply lock eyes with the person you fancy and keep them there, even when they've finished talking or someone else joins in. This way he'll know that you're more interested in him than the other person. [X]

Match his movements
Mirroring someone's body language is the single most effective tool in your Flirting Box. All you need to do is match or imitate his gestures and movements. If he crosses his legs, cross yours. We like people who are like us. If someone is mirroring our behaviour, we sense they're on the same level. We feel both accepted and flattered. [ ]

	Listen
	Listen to what he's saying. Being heard will make him feel interesting. And if you make him feel good, he's going to want to stick around. [X]

	Touch him
	Touch is the number one instant bonder. The briefest touch can have an electric effect on how somebody feels about you. [ ] Compliments

Compliments work wonders on you, don't they? Flirting,involves feeling good about yourself and making others feel good. [ ] Isn't that interesting, according to the flirting rules i missed out on 3 and yet, I still succeeded - or? Guess there are no clear flirting rules to follow.

...

Here are a few cheesy pick up lines for those moments our lack of repertoir within charm is on minus:

'Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?'

'Did you hear the latest health report? You've got to up your intake of vitamin me.'

'You must be Jamaican, because Ja-makin-me crazy!' (my personal favorite!!)

'Can I borrow your library card? I wanna check you out!'


_________________________________________________________

FO SCHIZZLE, BITCH!!!


If there is something I'd love to be able to say but can't (for moral reasons) is to say to my girlfriends, 'What's up, Bitch?' like guys say to one another...

(!!!)

"Fo schizzle, my sizzle" will have to do for me.. hahahaha!!!!

__________________________________________________________

Need I comment on this one?

_________________________________________________________________

ps This is a long post and a vast topic. I will be writing about this from time to time. ds




Confessions of an unglamorous 20 something girl


"You speak out all you feel is defiance All you need is some self-reliance Cuz this world is gonna always try us And all you wanted was to run for cover Well here’s looking to your self and no other We’re all searching for that special something And we keep on running"


Lately I have been reflecting over a lot of aspects towards human behaviour and mentality. We all have our own ideas and opinions, so this time, I feel like I want to write down and let you world, know how I see it.

This time I am reflecting over Mr Right issues and all its unlogical meaning.So I will use the word as a metaphore....

This issue overwhelms me to a great extent. At this phase of our lifes we can’t avoid the issue, and if you think about it, we are surrounded and reminded of it at every chance we get.
I often ask myself what is the most important thing for us, in this life. .When we are small, the most important thing is is the latest toy which sings and moves, and Mom. We all have a Mom.
When that phase is over, we want to experiment and become daredevils, not worrying about consequences – drugs, drinks, parties, loud music, make out, make friends..


And now, at 23 I ask myself, what is the most important thing to me, at this very moment?

*I still want to experience, but not in the same level as in when I was a teenager. Another sort of experience.

*I want love – all sorts of love, in all its pureness, faces and colors.
I depend strongly on feelings and security at this very moment of my life. Security that my sister will always be there, that those precious friends from the past still remain in my present, that the one I chose to love sees me the way I see them. The love of my family and support.

*Security in myself – that I make the right choices, that I follow my heart and try to be true to it.

*Identity – to find the source of what Is the purpose of my life but above all, to enjoy it and to have the capacity to shed some warmth and love in the hearts of the people whom I love and chose to share my experience here with.



Now that you got a picture I will get to the point – Mr Right..

It is such a cliché to talk about these things because everytime we hear about it we immedietaly criticize and judge the topic as silly and very “Sex and the city”-like. But no, I refuse to be put in that category, as silly as this topic may sound in your ears as you read it. I too, alike my sister, like to observe human behaviour and this topic carries a great meaning to me at this very moment of my life.

To begin with, the word “Mr Right” is a bad term. It makes us obsessed about its meaning and if such utopia does exist. In other words, it pisses the hell off me. It brings me to reflect over my own life, and not that that is a bad thing!! – the very contrary, but it scares me. I feel pressure to analyse every small detail and behaviour around me.

I am constantly observing and questioning and at the same time trying to lead a normal life believing, or at least trying to believe I am a smart cookie when it comes to love (believe me, that is a tough one).

I don’t have a romantic flick-like relationship, nor do the clouds turn pink everytime we share the small space and fragments of seconds the moment before we kiss..and that is alright. I know reality is everything but that – it is in fact, better.

However I do question my relationship(s). That is right. Not only the current one. For me, each and every one of them we very different from eachother. I was different in every one of them and so were the guys. The needs, the special language between the two, were different as well.What kind of person do I really need, and what do I have to change in myself in order to make it work with the special someone? I too, have the responsability to be a Miss Right and work on my own faults.

The truth is that, every girl in this stage of life, who has a little turmoil going on inside, wonders the very same and goes through this 3 headed monster called Mr Right -blues.

I myself, become very upset at the situations we have to go through in order to figure this monster out. It has digged deep inside my core and its there to stay - so I might as well make peace with it. Nevertheless, I know this will take a long time to become a reality – afterall, all sorts of wars in the world take an endless amount of time to solve.....so why would this be any different, even if its another sort of war?

Women will feel extremly betrayed by me when I confess here that I have accepted the fact that I no longer expect as much from men during this phase of our young lives as before.
Dont get me wrong, I am not dependent on anyone nor do I live of ilusions. To have a relationship and make it work during our 20's is at its most delicate, insecure, unstable and breakable state right now.

Love needs space and time to grow in us and then to become truly & completely embraced by us - but in order for that to happen, we have to have lived and learnt a little and finally let it come into our lifes naturally. That is how it should be. If time is what we need, why do we have the need to have so much control over it?

I just wish things weren’t so complicated for us when we are in our 20’s. Man, what a burden! I don’t think we are capable of being satisifed to a 100% with our relationships right now either. We are supposed to follow the pace we are given, and the unwritten rules which nobody talks about.

We are slaves of this punishing silence, and we live ignorant in this sort of distorted bliss. I am so insecure about so much concering this, because all I want is to be sure I am doing right and nourishing my heart, rather than strangleling it with lies.

Mr Right does not exist for us in our 20’s as far as I am concerned – Mr Right, right now, are the men we meet now. What will come out of it, only time will tell, and along the way we will learn from our mistakes, although i dont believe in mistakes. You know what I mean.
We problably won’t ever know. But if there is a time when we can’t be sure at all, is right now. So much happens in our lifes, so many insecurities and specially, finding out what we really need.

Love doesn’t have to be a prison. It will always be hard on the heart, but love is a battle – and we chose to be a part of it.

There is so much I want to experience, but I want to share a rollercoaster of experiences holding the warm hand of a special someone, but not because Im afraid of being alone. Not at all! I believe life tastes better when we share it with our special ones. That is what life is all about.

..we are still growing up and fighting our own fears and discovering what the world has to offer.. its too hard to hold on to an ilusion. We don't dare to expect so much...It's too risky. It's simply too much of an emotional burden tp the heart.

I want to be able to enjoy what life and the boys in our lives have to give right now - as well with how much I can give. I want a turbulent peace – accepting how things are and enjoying the ride at the same time.

But oooh, if you only knew how much it hurts and tortures my heart to truly embrace this ideology. I'm fighting, I'm fighting, I'm fighting....

...


I "accept", but I will not give in either.
The battle goes on... @)-'--,'--'--

_______________________________________________________________