Det är nu jag inte finner några ord. Det gjorde jag knappt på hela tiden då du var här.
Och när du frågade vad jag tänkte på svarade jag att jag inte tänkte på något. Sådär som man alltid säger...

Egentligen tänkte jag tusen saker som jag bara ville säga. Om hur jag beundrar dig och hur fin du är när du sover. Och hur du väckte mitt hjärta till liv; hur jag ville bevisa dig att drömvärlden fanns; att du var HELA TIDEN den enda i mitt hjärta. Men allt det där kändes för mycket att säga, så jag sa ingenting...

Och nu känns det i magen till slut, att man inte kan hela världen eller bygga om ett trasigt hjärta. Att fylla en transparent själ. Du behöver din tid, du behöver ditt hjärta. Och du behöver dina rus. Men när jag kämpar för världen i mörker känns allt meningslöst & jag kan lika gärna badda ammoniak i mina sår.

Jag undrar om det är rädsla som du skymmer solen med moln och blockerar vår väg med väggar igen. Då min mening bara är kärlek och strävan efter borttag av det negativa - För det tär, det känns och jag förstår inte...


Och djupt därinne i hjärtat älskar jag dig än. Otroligt. Ofattbart.

Men varför kan jag helt enkelt inte släppa taget? Kanske för att du inte såg den riktiga jag, som var där inne nånstans. Bortom den snedvridna världen jag försökte fly ifrån som fick mig ur balans - och som tog dig ifrån mig.

Om du ändå kunde tro på mina ord.

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Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

The dust has only just begun to fall
what do you say,
that you only meant well?
well of course you did
what do you say,
that's all for the best?
ah of course it is
what do you say?
that it's just what we need?
you decided this..



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K

Jag släppte in någon kommen från en helt annan värld. Min egen värld ruskades om, men slocknade hastigt som ett dräpslag efter tidsperiodens lamslagna yrsel. I cyberrymden bollades min värld likt ett medialt temata. Avståndet hade aldrig varit större än nu till andra människors världar. Min planet brann hål i sin egen bana.

Det är lärorikt när jorden skadas. Naken får man inse och utstå misstagens efterskalv. Erfarenheterna skövlar. Bladverken vissnar och dör.

Allt för sent vaknar en medvetenhet - vredgad över sömnens dunkel.

Min värld hade varit oaktsam, och jag förlorade det som betydde allt för mig.

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Tro inte att du kan bygga ditt liv på berggrunden. Den brister som ett äggskal vid minsta seismiska förändring.Ditt liv omslutet av dödens fosterhinnor kan du inte värna. De kan brista varje sekund. Den enda trygghet du kan uppnå är att sätta din tillit till det värnlöst växande livet. Att vila med livets hela tyngd ytterst på ett grässtrå är din enda möjlighet. Där i det yttersta av det skyddslöst mjuka finns din trygghet.....din berggrund.

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Drömvärld vs reality

We all have an idea of how we want our reality and dreams to be like. It differs hugely from person to person.

Some ideas are too naiv & some are too cynical. Mine is in between.

Your world, however, was a world I couldn't entirely understand. In that sense you were right, we had some differences, but given the situation I was in, I did the best I could, in the state that I was in - basically an emotional wreck

. That was when your world turned black and you put up your walls and let go of my hand.

But hear me out. Although understanding the reason to why you let go, I believe there is much more under the tip of your iceberg. So much more, and I see it now.

It is easy to let go because of the bad feeling you got from all of what has happened. I dont blame you! It is easy to let go and draw back into your secure world, the secure world which is familiar and untouched by any cynisism and hurt.

What you felt through me was unfamiliar & unknown - the moment you felt insecure you let go, rather than being a little open to what was standing in front of you. If only you had given it a little more time...But then again, I understand why. I was a broken girl. However that is not who I am.

SEE ME AS I REALLY AM!

I understand that too. I understand why, because I see the reality you are coming from. Your very own.

Your reality means so much to you, but it's a world where only you seem to be allowed in, a reality that you have decided that "thats how it is and that is how i want it to be, and i wont give it up".

In that sort of reality there is no chance for anyone to get in and try to open it up for new persectives, new views - as it is so important to you. You will never truly let anyone in if you are not open for the unfamiliar and the insecure.

Life doesnt work that way. You bring someone into your life, that is how it is going to be. Struggles, differences, arguments - you name it. Once you pass that stage, once you open up for a little change, you will set yourself free, and you will not be as upset and angry at reality, as I know you are.

I know you struggle so much, and at times feel like it is hopeless. I know you are upset with how some things turn out, because its against your ideals, and you dont want to have that sort of life. Neither do I..I too have my dreamworld, but I accept that things can be different from the way I perceive them. I know things arent black nor white.

Never did I try to change your dreamworld. I merely wanted you to break down your walls, at least just a little bit.It was the only way to try to make you understand why I did what I did - the very things that made you lose hope in us, in me...

When we fall for someone we fall for them, and not the criterias we have of the perfect partner which we make in our head. That is never realistic, nor does it work that way. We will never find 100% things we agree on, there will be differences and struggles, but if both are open to being precisely open to the new, two different worlds can coexist.

The experience I got you in played games with your world, and it made you feel uneasy, therefore you withdrew quickly, because it was the only natural thing to do. It was the only thing you knew.

It is ok to have a dreamworld, but letting some of the real world inside is the only healthy way to actually be able to accept why they do things differently than you at times. That his how you learn to understand them - and you couldn't do that with me. You let your strickt beliefs limit your understanding of why I did what I did, wish upset you so much, which made you believe you couldnt trust me.

Once again, how can one trust an emotional wreck, half-broken girl in the transition between the past and the present? But that was me then. Now I am what I wanted you to see, but you left..



Had you been more open, and tried to understand me, tried to communicate. you would have understood why your feelings for me were put away so fast. Why it all felt so overwhelming to you.
Maybe then you would have made peace with everything that happened, accepting that what happened couldn't have happened in any other way, and that I was only half the girl I could have been for you, that girl who really wanted to prove you and give you so much.

You didn't let me in - you left. You felt like your dreamworld didnt match mine and it scared you.

But how are you to be happy if you don't accept that you have to be more open to change, to me, who came into your life? It doesn't mean you have to let go of your values, but to be open to the new, the unknown. It may be scary and insecure, I understand you hold so tight to it, but you will never be happy if you don't let some of that light in. Nor will you let anyone in, in that way.

You are fooling yourself by locking yourself in your world and you are not only hurting me, but the people who come into your life.

Running away may seem like the best solution for you to feel better again. But that is a simple short-term fix. The real world will catch up with you, and people will continuously hurt you and make you feel insecure like i did to you..


It may feel like home, it may feel secure, but who are you kidding? Only yourself, and I hope one day you will come to terms that you can't live by the excuse that "once i build my view and belief on something, it won't change, cuz thats just how I am" doesn't carry much of a solid ground.

You have to dare more, risk more. Thats the only way of reaching the harmony we all seek in life:

Build your comfort zone, your dream world, be naiv, but let some of the real world in, let others peoples worlds in too, accept that rules cant always apply, that things arent as black an white, that we all do things for a reason, that risking is living - its will increase your understanding and accepting..

You will find a balance between your world and others world, without having to struggle, without having to give up of your own values.

I can't possibly know how or why your past has molded the dreamworld & reality you have built up for yourself. But do you honestly want to let your past hurts define and limit your future possibilies?


You are not alone in this planet, and you have to make peace with the real world. The real world has real people, and it isnt that bad, because it is what you make of it.

Bringing some of that into your own reality is the only way for you to be true to your heart and find that balance you search for.

In a relationship one has to give a little, accept a little, endure a little, change a litt,e in order to find a harmony between the two. One can't possibly run away when things get rough and insecure.

It may be comforting to live in your own world, but the real world isn't that bad either. You could be so much happier, and less complex in your character. If only you could accept that. You can have the best of both worlds, rather than having to shut away from the girl who only wants you to find that balance and let you know that I too, have a dreamworld, and it is a scary reflection of yours, although it is more open to the unfamiliar, the unknown - and that is why I risked so much, and that is why I held on so tight to you, because had you given me more time to prove you, it wouldn't have been that bad. It would have been fucking great.

Do you understand now why I am so stubborn by trying to communicate with you?
I am not trying to push, I care for you. You shut me out so quickly, you didnt give me the chance to talk. What was I supposed to do, other than panic

Put yourself in my shoes - wouldn't you do the same?

I know I may seem paranoic, but I am sorry If I care, I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass, but these are my feelings too, this shook my world and messed me up inside.

I am not the reflection on that broken mirror. I'm just a girl who is trying to break down the walls that limit the great potential you had. The great potential we had together.

How can you blame me for still being here?

I understand you more than you know now. I just wish things didn't have to go this far. I just wish you didn't shut me out like this - if only you could put yourself in my position as well.

I'm your friend, not your enemy. I am not trying to tell you what to do, I am not trying to fish for any answers. I am just trying to maybe help you make sense of all that has happened, as I was a part of it too.

I was there...remember? The cat who purred under your furry ears and who couldn't stop smiling at your dimples?

I have locked my heart now, and only you have the key.
Hopeless I know. Weak I know. But that is how it is, and I chose to live that way- until all hope is gone.

Maybe one day you will realize, maybe you won't.
Until then, I am here, and no matter how complex you are, my heart isn't going anywhere.

Sorry for being so intense and harsh. This isn't a guilt post nor a punishment. I only mean well. I just wish you didn't shut me out like this, it wasnt my aim. Not at all. It wasn't supposed to be like this, and its hurtful.

Please try to see it from my point of view, rather than seeing my attempts as stubborn, egoistic and disrespectful towards you.

You and I, aren't that different afterall, lilla nos....

with love, always..
katt =(^..^)=

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Reflections of a broken heart

These past days my head has been working overtime in order to find some sense in all that has happened these past couple of months. For me, it is the only way to find any sort of insight. It is hard for me to know where to start - THAT is how intense my life has been during such a short time. I've been on a car ride of 300km/h it seems, without seat belt, but with the warning signs I neglected to see.

That is how my heart works. I followed it. I took a chance, even though it was such an intense rush. When we are in the middle of the ride, we can't stop, we just go for it - so I followed my heart. Never for a moment did it feel wrong, nor does it now, after the car crash. However, I would have given anything to have known then, what I know now, so I could have been less impulsive. The reason to why I stand here alone.

Along the way, I crashed into some warning signs & I drove over some people along the way, blinded by the fog. Because when one is in the middle of such intensity, one can't use logic. It is humanly impossible. That is how we are.

We make mistakes, but they don't define who we are. Everything is relative. Nothing is ever black nor white, It is rather a shade of grey. But we can't go on and on applying rules to our lives. "Could, would, should.." I find it hard to follow the rules, if my heart is completely taken back by something it hadn't felt before, who am i to tell it to step on the breaks and take it easy?

Sometimes we are taken by surprise, and we do the best we can do, in the middle of the situation. It is simply bound to happen. I risked everything for him. I went beyond the rules of logic, I went beyond my morals and as a human cliché as it may sound, I felt scared of losing him, so I did what I thought was best then. I took a chance. I grasped his hand as hard as I could, but it slipped away. I struggled within myself.

I looked for inner strength, when I hardly had any. I was shattered by my past, I was an emotional mess trying to handle the past the best way I could, trying so hard not to hurt anyone important along the way. I thought I could juggle my new life with the past, without hurting anyone, but in the end thats the idea I gave to my surroundings. I was insecure, I wasn't myself. I couldn't give him myself completely. I couldn't show him the 100% me. He rather saw an image of me on a broken glass.

I was trying too hard, too fast. And THAT, I realize now. I realize I wasn't being fair to my past nor to you, my present. But what Is a girl in the middle of the fog, and in love, to do? I could not see the signs. I wanted him too much, too fast.

But looking back, it is easy to analyse. I was just being human. Doing the best I thought I could, in the middle of the fog. I was in love, what the hell was I suppose to do other than try the best I could back then?

I understand i crushed his trust, I understand he got scared and it made him feel bad. I get all of that now. It was too much, too fast - but one thing is absolutely true : It was real, and we had potential, and I tried my best, but I was only a half-heart, half-human. The trust I wanted to give, the girl I wanted him to see was only the reflection of a girl on a broken mirror. No wonder he saw the twisted image of me. Although understanding why he drew back, why he felt lost, it feels incredibly unfair.

The moments we shared were real, the smiles were real, and the times we spent together were incredibly good, but I was only half the girl he saw. I saw him in me. And this truly kills me.

Had I waited, had I taken it easy - but that's not how life goes, nor will it ever.

I know that no matter how much we try to do things correctly, no matter how moraly correct we are, no matter how we follow the rules, we will always make mistakes, we will always go through trial and errors, we will always give the best we can, during new & unfamiliar circumstances. It doesn't make us worse people, nor people who can't be trusted.

I was half the potential I could have shown him, and although I worked so hard to to get out of the fog, and I did, even that, wasn't enough to ease his heart.

I understand him now, but it doesn't ease my heart.

..But does it have to be so punishing? Does it really?

It all was unplanned,
I had a grasp on it,
But then it all slipped out of my hand,
I don't know what went across my mind,
Everything I think, I feel, is undefined..

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Heart of stone

Turning your heart to stone, doesnt save you. Stone shatters, and when it does, it hurts more. Your words, driven into me like the sharpest of nails, even if you dont realize. Its what you get, for not having a little hope. But it's safe for me to say that you remind me of the constellations ...The ones dreamers place all their concentration on - While they gaze into the skies looking for the one that falls, so that they can put the pieces back together...

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Valentines Party @ 7:7

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Seeing beyond the haze

So many things that I wasn't able to see clearly & understand before..

I think about "The Little Prince" What he meant by: "Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. (And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.)

I always thought about these lines as somewhat regressive and sentimentalist. Whenever I feel regressive and sentimental I agreed a great deal, but at other times I refused that such a thing as "heart" does exist. Heart is blood pumping organ. Everything goes on in the brain. But then who really can say that the Little Prince meant "the heart", the cardiovascular organ itself? Heart is the essence of the knowledge and thoughts we glean upon the earth during our stay. The eyes see things as they are, the brain inadvertantly calculates and compiles the knowledge in relationship to the others, creating thoughts.

But what is the essence of thoughts? How do they relate to who we are? What good is the clarity of "thought" if it means nothing else other than something unto its own? What good is thinking for its own sake? What good is understanding without realizing? What is the point of "knowing" unless it changes who we are?

Maybe it is because I only trusted my eyes and my intellect, I didn't grasp the essence of things that I knew. I failed to see the truth behind what I already knew. I crunched the numbers and data, I've compiled the thoughts and knowledge but didn't know what to do with them.

"The knowledge without love is a burden to heart." Love or heart, essence or realization, I have carried the burden of truth for far too long without letting it reflect on my existence. What was essential was invisible to my eyes and my thoughts.

I only realized it after the storm, when everything settled, and now it's all becoming clearer to me, although the "punishment" im getting doesn't fit the crime..

I just wish I didn't have to lose someone so important in order to gain the lesson. It shouldn't have to be that way..

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What a mysterious emotion.
Passion.

It has not the same taste as
Love.

It is rather acidic.

But, it belongs with love,
As it is a precursor to it (at times).

Because even the most tongue buring,
Passion fruit (named after its taste),
Gains a sweetness (of love) at the
End.

Passion..

It could be:
A state of Confusion,
A state of Lust,
A state of Trust.
A state of belonging.

But so much more.

So why am I sending out,
This (mixed) message of emotions?

I would like to know also.

But,
I do not know.
I do not know.

However,
I hope and wish,
(With all my mind, soul, and being)
We can end,
Not as an overly sour pulp.
And nor a bitter one.

Rather,
An ever Sweet one.

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K

I've paid so much for one incident; I feel I'm caught between warring nations. Hurting you, my love, was an accident. I don't know where all your forgiveness went. I needed love, not your allegations. I've regreated too long for one incident. One day you were love & hope, the next you were fear & indifference. I couldn't deal with those hesitations. But hurting you, love, was an accident..

I want to trip inside your head, spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said and see what you might see.
There is no failure here sweetheart, just when you quit...

"Varför skulle det vara någon skillnad nu? Everything comes to an end. Även bra saker. Speciellt bra saker. Jag är inte rädd, bara trött på att tappa bort mig själv igen."

Precis..

Break down the walls that say you can't

This is my anthem, my instruction for life:

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all your actions. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. Spend some time alone every day. Approach love with reckless abandon. Share your knowledge, it’s a way to achieve immortality. Be gentle with the earth & dance like nobody’s watching...

You matter

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met. And i knew that to you and into your life i had to get. I felt light-headed at the touch of this strangers hand - an assault my defences systematically failed to withstand, cuz you came at a time when the pursuit of one true love in which to fall was the be all and end all. Love is only a feeling, when im in your arms i start believing - but love is only a feeling..

Anyway... The state of elevation that this union of hearts achieved, i had seen, i had touched, i had tasted and i truly believed that every little lost piece of the puzzle would find its place and create the harmony we both long for..live for..

I'm a lover, but i'm a fighter too. I'll never stop believing, because not taking a risk, is the biggest risk of them all..

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