With heavy breath, awakens regrets. With days alone that could've been spent
together, but we are miles apart. Every inch of the distance between us becomes light years now.

" It always fascinated me how people go from loving you, to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much..... Here it is: One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another end. And even if this person doesn't fit you perfectly, well.... you still don't want to live without him."

Shit.

Babe you played my heart, but the way that you played was art.

Même après tant de discussions, nous n'avons pas pu éviter la fin. A force de converser avec toi, tu as réussi à corrompre ce qui était des sentiments pour les transformer en raison, seulement pour te perdre dans l'abîme de penser et sentir

Trop de raison, tue la passion..voilà!.

How was I to know that time was so terribly short. He flew away, surrending to his ghosts – and leaving me behind. Mysterious man – from no man´s land or the deep blue sea, so strange to me. How was I to know that the end was already there.

I´ll tell you what is love. A shooting star, that flares up and then it dies.

It isn´t fair – I had a taste of bliss, And so did he, I think... Life´s bittersweet.

Le debut de la fin

2009 is coming to an end, and the first thought that hits me is: 'How fast this year has come and gone!'

I will remember this year with bittersweet memories - both good, and bad.

Part of me is eager to leave this year behind.

A new year represents a new beginning, and maybe a new chance for some of us who haven't yet established a solid ground.

As the year comes to an end, its almost unavoidable not to come to a period of reflection and thought of everything that has been: what we want to forget and leave behind, and what we want to bring with us into 2010.

Every New Years eve is somewhat melancholic to me, I cant help it. 2009 is gone, at it will never come back.

I can easily say that 2009 was a crucial year for me, where I found a new direction. Things became clearer and some of the answers came to me. I haven't figured it all just yet, but the remaining doors to be open will show themselves when the time is right. For now, i trust in the unknown. I'm not afraid.

2009

Aix-en-Provence, Marseille, St victoire, Cassis, Louise Ryall, Louise Mello, Naty, Ambroise, Mike, Younes, Zayd, Omar, Laureeeent!!!!, Arthur, Antony, Ali, Germain, Pedro and his sexy Ryanair uniform, the Oneals manwhore we all loved, bathroom @Oneals, Carrefour Bar, IPN, Mistral, La Be, La verrerie, Sextius, Brigand, Jacob's, Cintra, Pizza Capri, les calanques, La Rotonde, Murano, Aix Bulldog, Parc Jourdan Rue Peysonnel, Rue Felibre Gaut, Cour Mirabeau, Pasino, tripple Ai(xxx) girls getting piercings at 22pm, afterparty at the park at 7am, fete de la musique, stolen laptop, police station, Residence Estellan, pastis, 2euro wine, lost in translation, Ambroise's serenates, rose wine, ladie's night, champagne, weed with m&m, shisha bar, Madrid, Patrick :(, David, Alex, sleepless nights, fountain showers at 3am, KIDS, burnt popcorn, kissing party, boom blaster, dance, love, hurt, fights, laughter, morals tested, promiscuity, manipulation, maturity, closeness, Laurent Wolf, Skins Party, John Dahlback, club studio 88, Sports Beach, La Be bartenders, table dancing, 24hr boulangerie, Paris, Adopt Un mec, UNIGHTED, Mathieu and his unforgetable apero, hospital urgency room, broken ladders, guy from Ille de la Tentacion, summer, 38 degrees, Alfonso my eternal mentor, Maira, Brazil 2010, farewell, Sweden, changes, lessons learnt, Rebecca & Niclas to Sweden!,family struggle, Andrew,+Olivier+, Paris, Bry-Sur-Marne, Friday night lights, Rock sur Marne, Ready for the weekend, Deadmau5, connection, warmth, positive energy, looks, cat, tears, bills, back to work, University/Berghs, emotion sickness, crossroads, decisions, silence, patience, control, inspiration, +-+-+-+, reflection, time, questions, stagnation, trust, hope..........missing

'Je vous aime'

Dear heart of mine, i need you to be brave for me. i know you're trembling on wires and clacking against bird-bone ribs, but i need you to set your teeth and stiffen that upper lip. i know it's scary and we aren't getting any medals for courage any time soon, but i think if we both hold hands and close our eyes, we can get through this. i'm not saying we'll be bleeding and gasping on the floor. i'm not saying we're going to lock the front gates and shut off the lights and fasten the shutters, but i can't lie to you and say we will be living in eternal sunshine. we won't. we can't hide behind the wall forever though. if we want to get what we love to dream about, we're going to have to step in the frontline. we're going to have to brave the machine fire and remind ourselves that it's worth it. i promise you, it might be. it might be worth taking the bullet. Hang in there...

It is now 2 months till I see my sizzle!

(this is what us kid sisters do - proudly and randomly post pictures of our sisters just to embarass them - followed by some serious eye rolling)

MAH MAH!

Il y a des choses difficiles à expliquer, et, alors, on s'en prend à la destinée.

I said it before, and I'll say it again - The heart, in all its glory, is deceitful above all things.

We've all been there. A few relationships here, a couple of half-serious flings there, some half-serious may-have-beens and so on....You name it.

No matter which of these you been through, you too at some point, have promised yourself never to repeat the same mistakes you once made -Those unnecessary, hurtful irrational words, or destructive behaviour, the sudden dark cloud in the sky which could terminate the irreversible.

Yeah, after so many relationships, we should know better. Yet we do the same or similar mistakes.

We may avoid the big traps, but we tend to forget that traps are everywhere and will always be there to test our character and strength.

We tend to forget that, even feelings have a dark side. And that alone, is a dangerous combination if not dealt with carefully. So many bad decisions have been made out of impulse, which sometimes are irreversible.

In all honesty, who are we kidding? We will always have high expectations in ourselves and we will always have our moments where we will freak out - JUST LIKE THAT.

Sonner or later, the dark side of feelings will manifest themselves and we'll simply have no choice but to deal with them.

Feelings ARE irrational, complicated and double-sided as they always been. We create traps out of fear. We tend to see problems where there aren't any, just because we are all scared shitless (there is no other better way to describe it) of losing that person. Nobody likes living in uncertainty nor lacking some amount of control.

Traps will always be there to test the length of our character, and they will keep asking us the same damn question over and over again: 'Who do you want to be? The caterpillar or the butterfly?'

Unspoken words are invisible but they linger like faded perfume. An aroma of emotion that clings to your ear imploring you to listen, filling your mind with intangible dreams.

Words have always carried an important purpose. Wether it is to reach out, to shape and express feelings and thoughts into little words - descriptive, crucial & powerfully charged.

Words evoke reaction onto the ones we speak or write to. It's aim is to carry out what we have failed to express through body language. On the other hand, words can be incredibly limiting and therefore, prone for awry interpretation.


Unspoken words traps us into our own minds into a continuous uneasiness if we don't take the opportunity to say them.
Unspoken words carry remorse and leave inumerous questions unanswered.
Unspoken words are so powerful they change the outcome of your very own life sometimes.

And therefore silence sets barriers where"What if's?" are all we are left behind with.

So always keep your heart open, you got nothing to lose. Hold fast to the human inside of you, and you'll survive.

Those who risk, win

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...



Dead butterflies can't fly..

On veut trop être quelqu'un.

Henri MICHAUX, Plume, postface

Lessons learnt

I am actually quite reserved as a person. This may come as a surprise to a few, but those who know me well, know I have my safety walls around me. However, this past year has taught me to let my guard down a tad. Risk a little, live a little.

A year where I had to isolate myself from family and all-things-related-to-Sweden, although I am well aware I have damaged my relation to them to an extent.

I let myself lose myself in a foreign environment, in order to find myself again. I felt like a wild animal aimlessly roaming free. What a feeling....what a rush!

My former "I would never" turned into "Well ok, I'll try this and see where it takes me.."

Most of the outcomes hurt me deeply. Afterall, I am a deliberate emotional masochist, and that is ok - because now I know what I want, and do not want in my life. The older we get, the pickier we get too...thankfully.

Taking an example from one of my experiences: I've shared great moments with les gars in France. Moments I will never forget. But on the other hand, It is scaringly easy to fake intimacy & utter sweet nothings into that person ears, making the moment less.....genuine.

Hard is to commit and take the time to really see the person and fully love them for who they are, and not the idea of who you expect them to be as you put them on that unrealistic pedestal.

There is simply no space in my life for futilities anymore. Gone are the days of investing on empty promises and holding on to criterias of how things should be. Because things will never turn out the way you want them to. Everything follows its own direction, and so it will always be.

So yes, It is a great feeling to challenge oneself, and I advice you to do so as often as you can. Constantly breaking barriers, letting go of that safety net a little, takes you to places you never thought you'd go - and all of that, within yourself. No plane ticket needed.

Oh, the places you'll see.....

Au revoir, for now.

It's done. I have left my beloved country of France and returned to Sweden. The safety net that kindly took me under its wings for 10 months. 10 months of intense, perspective-changing, core-shaking months. Positive and negative experiences - but necessary experiences nonetheless.

Who I was before, Is a vague and blurry memory in my mind. Who I am now, I am slowly exploring......Slowly landing on the ground, my heart both smiles and cries. A mix of bittersweet, nostalgic feelings. What has been, will never return. However, the essence will eternally live within me. It was the fire I needed to feed inside of me. My wake up call - A direction, a feeling, a perspective.

I know what I want & I know where I want to be. I am nervous, aprehensive but excited for what is to come.

Thank you France, and to all the wonderful people I met there.

"Partir, partir, pourquoi vouloir partir? Partir, sans savoir si l'on va revenir. Parfois l'on part, sans savoir où l'on va. Parfois partir n'est pas ce que l'on croit. Partir pour fuir ses responsabilitées, ou partir pour plus de facilitées...."

Home is where the heart is

Trago dentro do meu coração, como num
cofre que se não pode fechar de cheio, todos os lugares onde estive. Todos os portos em quais cheguei. Todas as paisagens que vi através de janelas ou vigias. Ou de tombadilhos, sonhando. E tudo isso, que é tanto, é pouco para o que eu quero.
Não sei se a vida é pouco ou demais para mim. Não sei se sinto de mais ou de menos. Não sei se me falta escrúpulo espiritual, ponto-de-apoio na inteligência. Cruzo os braços sobre a mesa e ponho
a cabeça sobre os braços...Que há de ser de mim? Que há
de ser de mim?

France

Partir! Nunca voltarei, nunca voltarei...porque nunca se volta. O lugar a que se volta é sempre outro. A gare a que se volta é outra. Já não está a mesma gente, nem a mesma luz, nem a mesma filosofia.

Partir! Meu Deus, partir! Tenho medo de partir!...

"Margit and I don´t look like sisters...not right away. Not the way you can tell with Anna and Karin who have the same fat popsicle lips like everybody else in their family. But me and Margit, we are more alike than you would know. Our laughter for example. Not the shy ice cream bells´giggle of Anna and Karin´s family, but all of a sudden and surprised like a pile of dishes breaking. And other things I can´t explain. One day we were passing by a house that looked, in my mind, like the houses I had seen in Brazil. I don´t know why. There was something about the house that looked exactly like the houses I remember. I´m not even sure why I thought it, but it seemed to feel right. "Look at the house" - I said - "it looks like Brazil". Anna and Karin looked at me like I was crazy, but before they could let out a laugh, Margit says: "Yes, that´s Brazil all right...that´s what I was thinking exactly."

by Becca (my sister who I miss so much - te amo pra sempre...)

"Credulous at best your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men. But pull your head on out of your hippie haze and give a listen, shouldn't have to say it all again - The universe is hostile, so impersonal. Devour to survive so it is, so it's always been .."

Same place, yet not at the same time

I am thinking about timing and everything it beholds.
Like I have written on an earlier post, the hardest thing for me to do is not having control, and letting things naturally take its course.

Often times have I been a "victim"of bad timing. It seems to be a constant happening in my life and most time it has to do with people I meet.

For example, I usually meet amazing people right before a departure. Like everything has a best-before date within 2-3 months. This has occured to me not once but twice in 2008!

Or! When I have met people at the exact WRONG time and things did not work out because it was too fast, too soon..

Before, I would completely freak out by the fact that something good had to end. Now, I still freak out, but with the feeling that everything happens in its right time and place. It is meant to be this way and no other. It is as simple as that.

(Now don't get me wrong, I will surely have a substantial crisis right before boarding that plane to Stockholm)

When you "lose" something, you gain something else. Life goes on - new opportunities, new experiences, new perspectives, new friends, new loves, a new home or even a new country.

On the other hand, the excruciating part is the one where you can't help but wonder - "What if? What if things turned out differently? What if I had stayed longer? Would it have changed the outcome? Would I have taken another path?"
I guess it is naturally a part of the human psyche to torture oneself with such questions.

Personally talking about France, I would have liked to stay longer. Easily. But I know that deep down, I will come back. And I will stay here - when the time is right.
Everything before that - i.e going back to Sweden and sorting out so many things, will unfold itself as it may. That too, has to run its course. That too, has to be solved. I realize I cannot move on without solving certain problems.

France, for the long haul.
(for now, just a dream - but a dream nonetheless!)

PDS

Closing my long overdue past ♥ chapters which refused to die in me - one by one. Some people simply can't coexist in my world. For now, I can't find any other better solution than to cut you completely out of my life.

Goodbye, and perhaps I'll meet you again. But if fate is kind, then I will not.



xx
Potra ♥

Friends gathered at our former favorite bar "Carrefour" in Aix.
(January 2009 - time is flying!!!!!! Arrete..)

"Trop de raison tue la passion, trop de passion tue la raison "


Logic is rough against the gear of emotion - so learn to use both...

Further impressions in the southern blue

One considerable big change i have noticed in myself since my move to France must have been the way I dealt with things.

I have become impulsive in my actions without taking into account how others may perceive them, getting me into a lot of trouble. It is just too easy to fall into these tricky traps.

Impulse is a dangerous thing. It is the utter most, strongest desire that lies in our core and that, at times, must be kept under reins. Although some of our impulses may be well intended, it doesn't mean it will be perceived as a positive thing in the eyes of others - especially if it affects them.

I believe these changes have taken place for the fact that in Sweden i lived in a less adventurous atmosphere. It was 'safe' and less challenging. In my 9 years of Swedish cultural experience, I found Swedes to be quite mundane.

In many aspects, France feels more like home than Sweden ever did to me. I hope with every bone in my body, that I can return here for good in the near future.

On another note, France brought me a wide awakening - and even though I might have gone a little overboard in past behavior, it is part of the adaptation process. The cultural differences are unavoidable.

Doubtlessly I have grown up during my time here, and even though I been hurt and very disappointed, I would have done it all over again. I am a bit of a masochist, like that.

For those who have followed my blog writing know that I have a tendency to think too much and write a lot on personal subjects. .Afterall, I don't write for others. What I write over here is very personal, and may be shocking for many, but this is just the way I am - sans bullshit. I have nothing to hide and I don't care if my honesty may give people the wrong impression of me. Those who know me, understand...Plus, I am constantly judged the wrong way anyway, but that does not matter anymore. I stopped caring.

Moreover, I am learning to avoid things that are bad for me, finding what makes me happy. Simplifying and filtering away all the bullshit, to be more specific. I am only learning RIGHT NOW how to handle my nature. Before I believed there was something wrong in my character, but now I see that it had nothing to do with me - it was the choices I made and the situations i put myself in. I searched for deception. Over and over. A risky pattern. At a certain point, one grows tired, soooo very tired.

I am up for a whole lot of things, and I will always be a little 'crazy' but now I handle everything with a bit of positive skepticism. Now I just need to learn how to control my impulses with certain things.

There is still so much I want to experience. A luau during sunset in the calanques with my friends, is one of them.

Lets make these last couple of months memorable...and to say the least, ROYALLY kick ass :)

The Aixchange friends

:)

It's good to be back!

Its been a while since i last blogged! My last post was written in the beginning of my french journey, so now it is about time for me to keep it up again.

This blog is about 4 years old. I have thought of starting a new one, but there is too much history in this one to simply let go of it, even though when I read my old posts I feel like that is another version of me I no longer can relate to. I've grown up and become less naiv. Thankfully.

Now back to the UPDATE!

I couldnt bring myself to write for so long as my experiences here have drained me of energy to keep on writting. Soooo much has changed since i last posted something here. How a year abroad can mold and change a person...

My french AIXPERIENCE journey has been good so far. A rollercoaster of sensations. Being a foreigner, living in a temporary dream world where the culture is different than yours makes you question a lot of things and most importantly, people dont see you as who you really are. You got to adapt quickly, otherwise you'll feel tangled in an endless lost in translation spider web.

Being categorized as a foreigner here certainly gives the people I meet a different idea of who I am. Automatically I am placed in a category, in a subconscious way obviously. I have constantly been battling with who I was pre-France, who I am right now and who I am becoming. Questioning, questioning, questioning......

I feel like I have lost a little of myself in the process which I am sure happens to most of us who go abroad.

Ive always maintained a balance of naivity and realist in me. Ive always known what I wanted but this country has doubtlessly made me question a lot of things. On the other hand, life would be pretty dull if we always remained the same and non-evolving.

Throughout life we will be constantly put to the test, endure the good and the bad. Sometimes we will feel left behind, sometimes we will be ahead of the game. If we dont put ourselves out there, we will never learn. Because in fact, everything we will ever need will always be outside our comfort zone. I strongly believe in this.

Its times like these you learn to live again. Its times like these you give and give and give.......

«Still loving la vie en bleu!»