Moments

Wifeys dancing on bar counter @ La Be
Sept. 08

The Aixperience so far...

A few weeks into my year abroad in France, I am finally settling into all things french. Now it really does feel that this is my home, and there is no return ticket to Sweden. Funny feeling.
I am enjoying my stay, and I am incredibly lucky and thankful to have gotten here. Some people know how important this is to me.

My weeks have been filled with intense outings, moments of lost in translation, cultural clashes and cosy studiy evenings at the tea house/shisha bar. There is so much to take in. So many new faces, internal jokes, photos, moments, conversations, songs and so on...Everything is a new impression and a new memory.

But its at this very period after the moment one has finally settled, is when reality kicks in.
Out with the old, in with the new. A new life or a complete new start. We are all in it for different reasons and different quests.

My past is still in my present, for the fact that i do not consider it my past in the first place. It is very much alive, like a fire burning inside. And it is my choice, afterall. I cannot, nor will I simply switch it off.

We certainly die many small deaths throughout life but I beg any higher force to keep this one alive.

I am beginning to miss the familiar. I miss sunday breakfast at home with my family for example, and failing royally in getting my sister out of bed.

There is a certain soothing feeling that goes along with the daily routine I lived in Sweden. I know this is simply a common phase everyone goes through as they move abroad, though.

I miss the affection and the closeness I have with certain people who are far away now. I need a hug, and anybodies hug here wont quite do it for me. So I lay in my new bed, hoping this phase will soon pass...

Surely I dont miss certain things, but I do feel like I am lacking an important piece.

One of the biggest mysteries in life for me, is that It will never make any sense to me as into why should good things end. It is a death that refuses to die in me.

As the weeks and months come along, things will get better and eventually I will find inner peace in this foreign country. However, none of this will ever come close nor be able to compete in the same category as what you gave me, P. You definetly appeared in my life when I least expected and you taught me so much; I am not sure you are aware.

I would change all of this, in a heart beat, if i could have you in my life, other than virtually.
I want January now! Can you blame me?


I rely that time will give me the answers that I search, and that sometimes we really do have to take a day at a time and enjoy what is given to us.
This experience is temporary; some people are not.

Everything in its right time, everything in its right place. I truly believe in this.

SAUDADES, PORRA! Mas eu aguento...

Bonne nuit et a tout!

This is what you represent to me:

A piece of Brazil & a piece of Sweden combined into a warm wandering soul of a wolf.
Sweetly mixed together, creating a private universe within you.......

which evokes a great impact in the private universe within me.

HOME

Sitting on a friday night in my bed while writing without any real purpose, in the most old fashioned way possible - with a piece of paper and a pen.
However, this time I am in my new home in the city center of Aix-En-Provence in the southernest of France. Plus belle la vie!!!!!!

I have forgotten how fulfilling it is in simply taking an easy night in on a friday night.

I SHOULD be out, like 98% of the population of Aix, but I decided that i SHOULD not anything but what I really felt like doing - being the resting 2%. At home.

I think the word SHOULD should be banned from our vocabulary. That word carries such an anguishing negative conotation that I see no point in adopting it into my life, other than bringing more stressy anguish and pressure?

I am in the height of my youth, with many possiblities ahead, and many decisions to make.
Constantly divided by 2 home countries, constantly questioning where home really is. Constantly being questioned by parents. CONSTAAAANTLY!!!!!

Is the grass really greener on the other side or are we preconditioned by a insatiable society to always be on the search? I wonder..

It is not the jobs we will get nor the amount of digits in our paycheck that will give us the answer. I am sure it does affect to a certain extent but it is certainly not the main factor.

For me, home is where the heart is. As we heard it all before... When you have your friends and their support, when you feel like you have the freedom to do whatever the hell you want, when you feel like you are always evolving and learning..
Simply when the shit hits the fan; and you know you will have your friends right there to clean up the mess...

During the short moments of happiness I have felt, I was surrounded by real friends, in a country which let me make my own choices and which gave me the freedom to do whatever I felt like doing. In a country where I biked home at 4am and watched the odd 2am sunrise, without feeling scared of biking home alone and breathing the freshest of airs. I remember biking home and simply being happy and complete. I am not sure I was aware of it then. Small details i always took for granted - funny how 2 weeks abroad can bring some perspective. France is the time-out I greatly need. I have been fighting too long with Sweden and thanks to my sister I am slowly understanding that it isnt all that bad ( other than the crappy nordic weather ). Maybe stepping out for a while is all I really need to figure it out.....

It doesnt take much to grasp happiness. One simply has to be aware of the suttle details of our every day because it can easily disappear if you dont acknowledge it. And just like that you will end up in the 98% bracket.

I really do hope I make peace with Sweden and figure where I will finally settle. Adventures abroad are great, but it isnt sustainable in the long run. In the end, I will want be close to the people that matter, in a country of possibilities, not obstacles. Is that realistic?

I may be unstable, chaotic, confused, mutable, up in the clouds and so on. But I will never be what others such as family expect me to be. Afterall, its in my chaotic, all over the place - nature that I find all the answers I will ever need to lead my own life..and in the shape of things to come.

como tudo deve ser..

SONHO

Verao Festa Encontro Olhar Caipirinha [plancton?] Musica a dois Conexao Beijo Azul calcinha Abraco Sorriso Sabor Fragrancia Cafe Comentarios lesados Brasil Suecia Sonho de valsa Laca Garoto Apelidos Leite de soja Forro Shisha Flogsta Fotos Luz vermelha Felicidade Baseado Patrickianismo Sobremesa! Despedida Angustia Medo Tristeza Preocupacao Carinho Lagrimas Coracao pequeno Perda Saudades Vazio.

.....fim?

nao queria.

Here we go again..

There were many moments in my short life so far where I felt like a little bird locked up in a cage not being able to spread my wings and fly away whenever and wherever I want to and without limitations.

I once read somewhere for which I probably will never forget : "True freedom is only when you realize that the only person who is limiting you is yourself."

We often love to victimize ourselves and complain about the situations we find ourselves in, when in fact, we are quite aware we have put ourselves in that position. Nobody can be that naiv. We know the consequences of our actions.

Shit.

I don't want to say goodbye!

Now i have to face a situation which is all too repeating for me. Sigh..

In certain ways I am old fashioned. I don't like having to give up the things and people that I like. I don't like experiencing things which i know have a best-before-date, because in that way, I can't really enjoy it to its fullest. It isn't natural. It is exactly the same feeling as when a kid is starring into that candy store but can't get in. It's right there, in front of you, yet you can't have it.

But we are human, and we can't help but putting our hearts out there.

Often times we have to be shaped into things we are not, in order to adapt to what we are dealing with. We aren't really entitled to feel anger and bitterness. Such is life. But when it comes to feelings, that is when everything becomes rather complicated.

I can count in one palm how many people who truly moved me, who truly mattered.

"I am here, without a best-before-date, for time unlimited... unknown."

Suspiros de Verão

Esperava que não fosse

só mais uma paixão

um desses amores de verão

tenues e sem duração

esperava que fosse de verdade...

como toda força e raridade

com toques de fantasia e ilusão

esperava mesmo... de coração

Sentia-se bem na vida solitária...

e os poucos dias sem companhia

se tornaram vazios e sem sentido

faltava-lhe algo, faltava-lhe ele

em nada se parecia com uma paixão

daquelas que desaparece no fim do verão...

suspiros, sorrisos e assovios

sentira-se bem com aquela sensação

Randy Pausch

The sad yet inevitable has happened..Randy Pausch has passed away.

The former professor at Carnegie Mellon was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and became an Internet sensation after his inspirational Last Lecture

became viral on YouTube.

His famous "Last Lecture" lasts a good 1hr and 16minutes. So please, whenever you find the time, watch this video.

His story brought me to tears and I promise it is not yet another Oprah mundain tear-jerker story. This is one of those stories everybody should simply know of. We all need a little bit of stardust....

For all of you who are furthely interested in Randy's story, he has come out with a book called "The Last Lecture" and its a hell of a bestseller.

You can get it on Amazon through this link: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251

"The Last Lecture" on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

His story @ Diane Sawyer Interview - A must see!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZbOQqtDAW0 (part1)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDIf4D4SQFo&feature=related (part2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O8FvH_k2k4&feature=related (part3)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2HWTrDTsv0&feature=related (part4)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSx-AB4JhvQ&feature=related (part5)

R.I.P Randy

We are in control - until we are not

Lots of the things we learn throughout life becomes "common knowledge". Therefore, many things that should be obvious and quite simple to us, does take a while to sink in for some of us.

I've lately observed my change in behaviour for the simple fact that I wanted to understand why I was/am feeling the way i was/am.

When I am not put in any strain nor in situations where there is too much emotional charge, I feel much more control over how I feel. I begin to lead myself into a stable, slowly care-free path.

The emotions and irrational behaviour are put behind bars and I can finally breath without feeling any sign of anxiety.

And that's when I feel like I have the control, and that nothing can possibly change my gained harmonious frame of mind.

However. When reality makes itself reminded, resurfacing all of those emotions I couldn't grasp control of, I return to a chaotic state of mind, and all that stability I had built falls apart.

It brings back the unanswered questions, the uneasy sadness, the quicksand feeling and that time is ticking. Worse of all, is that unfortunately, sometimes we can't affect the outcome, and let things be just the way they are. There is only so much we can do about certain things anyway.

Hoping for the best. Or actually, no, not hoping. Hoping only leads to more sadness and expectations, fake expectations that is.

There is only one way of controling chaos, and that is to let it run its course. It is always there for a reason.

I totally agree!

Reflections

 

I failed to see the truth behind what I already knew. I crunched the numbers and data, I've compiled the thoughts and knowledge but didn't know what to do with them.  "The knowledge without love is a burden to heart." Love or heart, essence or realization, I have carried the burden of truth for far too long without letting it reflect on my existence. What was essential was invisible to my eyes and my thoughts. I always only realize when it's all too late to rewrite history.

Strange times.

 I have no power whatsoever, no say so, nor can I play the game  by my own rules. I feel completely helpless.

It is what it is. Nothingness...

Tidsfördriv, kanske, men var är min själ i hela denna sammanhang?

Jag tror jag tappat bort mig själv på vägen.

Meu brasileirinho

Just for the record, I haven't forgotten you, Lobinho.

You appeared in my life very unexpectedly and you certainly brought colour to my life. I hope that wherever the winds will take us, we shall never lose contact. I am missing you already and you haven't even left yet. 

Why did we have to meet so late?? 

 

I'll carry with me those small moments we shared. Thank you.

You matter to me, my 1001 utilidades, forno, xuxu, potro, potranco..........

It's been wonderful and crazy getting to know you.

Volta logo, vai..

Pause

Taking a step back and reevaluating a current dilemma. I am pressing the pause button, in order to feel what's the best decision for me. 

At the moment, my decisions fluctuate towards both opposites every other hour, leaving me all the more puzzled. 

No big decisions, alright?  However, big to the heart.

What does it want? Or more importantly, what does it need?

I don't know what to do. 

Pause.

It's a Labbit world

Today, a huge box arrived here at home. It was a surprise from Becca & Niclas which I had not expected, but which has made me utterly happy.

I got the NOTORIOUS Labbit, designed by Frank Kozik (see http://kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=1417) which I had spotted a few weeks ago in the middle of Niclas belongings.

It was love at first sight and now I have to have the entire collection or I won't be able to rest!!!!

I must say though, mom looked in awe at me, wondering why a little toy was so appealing in my eyes.

Thank you, my loves!!!!!!!!! You made my day, and I feel oh so spoiled by you - so a "oooh you didn't have tooooooo-look" with a blush on my face , to you:)

I have the best sister and brother-in-law in the world.

You and the Labbit are up there in the ranking. 

Promise.

AMO!

I was supposed to be her

There she was. Staring back at me with her beautiful glowing face, embracing her beautiful boyfriend. 

There was the picture which finally surfaced on my page. Long have I awaited for this moment - To put a face on the girl who took my supposed place. 

I was supposed to be on that picture.

I expected to feel worse than I really did. I don't feel like I was "supposed" to anything really, but we always picture ourselves next to that special person, that one person who we exchanged secrets, hopes, smiles, jokes & opened our hearts with. That little seed never got to see the light. Somewhere along the line it got killed.

To top it off, I could not bring myself to hate her. Not even dislike anything about her look, because she did look nice. Not the good-looking sort of nice, simply genuine in her eyes.

It is funny how none of them probably have any idea how their pictures made me feel as I stared back at their picture-perfect Kodak photos.

I am not sad, but I am not jumping in joy either. I no longer feel grief.

I just can't help but wonder -  "It could have been me. Once upon a time, I REALLY wanted it to be me."

Bless the miracle of time, which has sedated that awful rejecting feeling I once carried, and which will always resurface one way or the other.

Honestly, ok.

It's fine.

We can all relate, right?

Nausea

Let's give this a try and write down all these thoughts on my imaginary blog papper.

Before I get started, let me tell you that I have been having this uneasy feeling inside. I don't know exactly what is cooking up in my brain, but I have avoided posting my latest thoughts over here.

I am not sure If I am judging myself before hand and avoiding this situation, or If I am simply feeling missunderstood by the ones who read my posts.  So I just let it be.

Let me remind you that, I have never had a problem on being brutally honest on my blog. But now, I've hit a dead-end street.

Nothing out of the extraordinary has happened, nor have I reached any remarkable milestone. 

Maybe I am the type who eternally remains in a twilight zone.

I don't feel like anything I write down makes any sense, and the people who know me may also see me in a complete different light than what the reality really depicts. THIS, scares me. It makes me feel vulnerable. On the other hand, maybe I don't want to see my own reflection through my words being written at this very moment. I think I have reached a point where I am in my own island and yet I have no GPS to find my way around here. 

I feel that I should not be what I am at this point in my life. I feel way too young for my age and the whole idea where I believed I was a very open person does not make justice to my reality.

Have I really shut you out, my friends? I feel like I am hiding, yet I have nothing to hide. Why have this uneasy feeling been lurking around for so long?

I am not exactly sure If i succeeded in throwing up my nauseating thoughts, but this is all I manage to get out of the system.

For now, It's all I got, till I figure if all of this is an issue I have with myself or with how the rest of the world sees. Am I on to something here?

Quero, terei. Se não aqui, Noutro lugar que inda não sei. Nada perdi. Tudo serei. —Pessoa

For my wifey

original version skee-lo " I WISH" 

(warning for internal joke)

I wish I was little bit spammer,

I wish I was a waller

I wish I had a french who looked hot

I would call him loullipop

I wish I had a starbucks latte in a bag with an elle mag

and a '51 pastis-ala

I wish I was like 5 Loullipop

So I could get with best thing ever since sushi-lou

Cause she don't know me but yo she's really fine

You know I see her all the time / on facepoo

Everywhere I go, and even in my notifications

I can scheme of ways to make her my wifey

Cause I know she's livin ferosh

Her boyfriend's 2 housemates

So how am I gonna compete with that

'Cause when it comes to playing fountain proposals

I'm always last to be picked

And in some cases never picked at all

So I just lean upon the wall

Or sit up in the bleachers with the rest of the friends for sale friends

Who came to watch their lou.

Pra minha irmã..

Diz alguem que a despedida nada

custa ao coracao

Quem tal diz que se despeca e verá

se custa ou nao?

Ó triste segunda-feira da

semana que há de vir

O meu amor diz que embarca, quem o

há de ver sair?

Nesta cruel

despedida

Diz, amor, que hei de

fazer?

Levar-te nao é

possivel

Deixar-te nao pode

ser ..

Se fossem pedras as

lagrimas

Que eu por ti tenho

chorado,

ja formavam um

castelo

no centro do mar

salgado.

- Jaime Cortesão