"This time, things will be different and you're gonna see me"

E com o tempo fiquei mais seletiva, aquelas amizades fúteis que eu tinha já não me interessam mais, as músicas ruins não me completam e o amor, o amor só se for real.

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details____________

"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages."

The ugly truth

Lately, I had an epiphany while discussing various issues in the matter of the heart. I can't quite explain it, but it just hit me:

I saw the ugly truth about myself. Maybe I knew it all along, because friends have warned me, yet, I had refused their truth and substituted it with my own - Which was a complete joke.

I have been a deliberate ignorant throughout this entire past 12 months.

That's gotta hurt the ego a little bit........I guess I needed time to objectively see the pattern of my recurring problems. It is hard to realize our own mistakes.

I don't like the new perception of me now, even though it is the cruel truth:

I have been desperate, eager beyond reason, to satisfy my needs. My needs of affection, that is.

I looked everywhere, in any little opportunity, any half-way open door to find a loving heart.

I jumped right into situations that were already doomed for catastrophy, and although I am a risk taker, I have been chasing people for so long now. And what for? What good has it brought but heartbreak, deception, illusions, fake promises and high expectations? That isn't love, that is desperation, loneliness and lack of affection.

Everytime things ended with someone, or never really got a start, I blamed it on the person - and not me. I expected them to behave in a certain way, to live up to their words. And they didn't.

Had I realized that I was expecting too much from them, maybe I wouldn't be a bitter little girl, adding every facebook on the likes of: "I hate assholes", or "I am so tired of selfish guys". Now i realize how silly all of that sounds.

I deleted those facebook groups, and I am no longer bitter (but it still hurts).

I don't blame any of these guys for how they delt with the situation, because the way I searched for love, was all wrong. It wasn't there... How could i have had expected any more from them? On the other hand, what i felt for these guys, were REAL. 100%.

In fact, there was nothing wrong with these guys - they were interesting, sweet and affectionate. They simply didn't want anything serious.

It was what it was, for a short while of fun and someone to temporarely fill the void inside my bed, maybe even my heart..... ( i told you, i went too far. )

I have to confess though, that even if things are not supposed to be more than a little adventure, I strongly believe in good manners and consideration of others feelings.

The least people can do is to end things in a civilized manner, and honesty above all. But no, that's not how the real world works. In the end, we have to be satisfied with the insulting silence and the few cold words left behind, echoing in our minds...

The conclusion? I am not running after anyone, anymore. I am not going to pretend it is something it is not. I am done running. It's been 12 months of disappointments - with myself.

From now on, I will quit running after. Wether it is superficial or not, it does not matter. I have tried too hard and far too long to be a good girl. But why? And for who do i need to prove this anyway? No one...If someone does not give me a good enough reason, I do not need to justify what I am doing under my sheets....

Until something real, preferably not involving any running after (!!!), comes along...I will enjoy the temporary adventures, for exactly what they are. Nothing more, nothing less.

I say what I MEAN and I Do what I FEEL....But have been known to put my FOOT in my MOUTH and REGRETED some of the things I've DONE........

ps more posts on this subject to follow.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

I think i got it!

Happiness is something every human being wants to achieve but not always does.

It is such a suttle feeling many do not attain in life.

I am more and more conviced it has become so as we have predetermined ideas of what happiness is supposed to be. Then reality comes along, and disappoints us.

In my opinion, happiness is achieved when we have learnt to live and accept the imperfections of life. That in fact, there is no such thing as PERFECTION.

If you quit your idea of "happiness", where you have a criteria for everything, such as 1. how you want your life to be 2. what kind of girl you want to marry 3. where you will want to live..and INSTEAD, accept that you may not marry the girl you thought you'd marry (but whom you still love of course), did not end up in the city you thought you would and just live without a CRITERIA for everything? What about letting things develop naturally?

Isn't happiness being in peace and accepting that you will not always get EXACTLY what you want, that the world is NOT perfect, that PERFECTION is an utopia created by men, just to make them even more miserable?

I find disappointments and unexpected situations important too. I have accepted that they will appear in my life and mess all my future plans, that i will never get rid of it. But if i accept them as a part of life, that there is no way I can shape my future according to MY CRITERIAS exactly of how i want it to be, maybe I will be happy and let life show me new paths and new ways of thinking.

Yes, we decide our own fate but we can't be overly paranoid and expect that we will get everything we want exactly the way we want them to be.

For all i know, I might not move to Barcelona. I may find a better school in Madagascar and get married before i turn 30, in a Las Vegas 20dollar chapel,dressed as Elvis Presley.

Not in my plans. AT ALL. But absurd? Absolutely not.

What is it with people who initiate something and do not follow through? What is it with people who do not go all the way, but only 30, 40 or 50% of the way half-heartedly and then suddenly stop and go backwards? What is the point in initiating something if you cannot handle it in the first place?

What is the point?

The only certain thing in life is that we will eventually die, so why do people go on and on about having to protect their hearts or themselves in general? Protect? Really, what from? Because as far as I know, the worse enemy is yourself. Your mind will play tricks on you and tell you to give up because it is too hard and too painful. However, the truth is that your are stronger than you think. Trust me on this one, because I have been to hell, and back. (Not once, but twice.)

Look at me, I am still here. Open heart, putting myself into dangerous situations. I do it because i do not know HOW NOT to do it. All i know is that i simply need to.

Look, it is pretty simple. If you are actually going to LIVE your life, and not let it live YOU, you are going to have to experience EVERYTHING TO 100%, not 30, 40..or 50% .

So go ahead, put your hand in the fire, risk a little. It is the only way to experience. Go all the way, burn. It will show you that you are alive. It does not matter if you may get hurt, because you might just. But, so what?

Feel everything - Feel happiness, feel fear, feel excruciating pain, just feel and open your eyes to what is in front of you.

Wake up, before it is too late.

Because your faith has to be greater than your fear.

J'ai voyagé, jai rencontré des gens, jai eu des bons et mauvais souvenirs mais bordel qu'es que je me sens vivante........

On another note (and much brighter!)

The wives managed to squeeze in a REUNION down south of France! For the ones who don't know, my wifey i.e Louise, was one of the first persons I met when I moved to Aix back in 2008. We litteraly lived in eachothers pockets, and experienced so much together that it's barely impossible to express it into words.

We had our disagreements, our fights, and even took a distance for over a year. Now, 18 months later, we meet again. And may I say, it was great. Nervewrecking, but great!

I love my wife, there is nobody quite like you, Lou..

I miss us, and our crazy times.

Damn, we were INSANE together. Probably not the healthiest lifestyle though, but those aixperiences were worth it, no doubt.

Part deux

I am not the kind of person who tries to ignore what I feel. Feelings need to get out, be shaped and molded in order to be understood. It is scary and an uneasy feeling to expose your inner most self to someone. I feel like running away every time I have to do that, but if I want someone to see me for who I am - I am here, with open heart.

Unfortunately, most people I have met, live behind fear, and take the easy road out just to avoid the pain. Just remember, happiness always has a price. There is no absolute perfection in life and nothing certainly comes for free. Every time we want something, it will always be followed by some sort of complication, some kind of problem. The difference is to try to see it as a challenge, not as an unfortunate and doomed cause. This is my ideology.

Nothing comes for free without a little fight - and how boring life would be without a bit of challenge!!

It frustrates me that most people I have met, have failed to endure challenges and end up giving up, just like that.

Tired of hearing sweet words and no action. Everything is so romantic and simple in the beginning. When reality comes along and feelings begin to grow, they run away. They all do.............especially the good ones.

Sweet words are easy to say, but where is a strong character when it is needed? Where is the person behind those words? Where did he go?

Si les mots sont la voix du cœur. Ou est ton coeur?

No more wallflower

La peur m'a toujours guidée à ce que je veux. Et parce que je veux, me fais peur.

Souvent c'est la peur qui me prendre par la main et me conduit. La peur me conduit au danger. Et tout ce que j'aime est risqué.