John Mayer does a remarkably good guitar version of "Lovestoned"/JT
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Begin to hope
Begin to hope and all the colors start to change
Beneath the light you might forget that the world's so sad
You might forget that things are awfully bad
And it's alright if you eat all the apples from the Knowledge Tree bowl
The fact that they're plastic shouldn't deter you at all
Just grab your Sharpie and write your message on the wall
Yeah, I was here, I was here..
I'm sorry, Alfie...
How do I even start... I'm sorry.
Yeah, that doesn't sound very convincing does it? Sorry is an understatement, and it's a hard thing to say as well. All that pride and fear it carries. Nobody wants to be put on the spotlight. Nobody wants to admit their faults. It isn't the most flattering either.
I'm sorry for neglecting your attempts. I'm sorry for lashing out on you when I had my mood swings. I'm sorry for not appreciating your efforts. I'm sorry for putting you second. I'm sorry for saying things I didn't mean, in the purpose of momentarely hurting. I'm sorry for not listening to the warning signs...I'm sorry for not opening up completely. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but it's still not enough.
Saying sorry now is too late, I know. I say it still, because I care for you, and I always will. Maybe we weren't meant to stick together in the long-run. However, the moments we had, when they were good, they were awsome. And you know that - we know that. Deep down. There was no superficiality involved.
I know very well that my behaviour drove us to friction. I know very well that that is not something one should do. I am not in any way looking for excuses, all I can really say, "handen på hjärtat", is that I brought you into my life in a time I was clearly not ready to be in a relationship. Given past circumstances, I needed to find that balance I so badly needed. I'm not trying to sound like a victim, nor is this, once again, an excuse to my foul behaviour.
I was selfish, I believed you could bring me stability and happiness. You did. But there is only so much one person can do for the other. I clearly had to deal with these changes alone, but I really wanted you in my life, otherwise I wouldn't have cried so much, asking you to forgive me, during all those times I failed you - over and over. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong. But i still did it - I'm only human. Yes, that's a lame thing to say. It doesn't justify anything. This isn't a competition between you and I.
I'm sorry for insisting. I'm insatiable, stubborn, but I was only really hoping things would even out, but they didn't. I didnät have it in me, as much as I believed i did, as much as I wanted to prove you, all those times you gave me chances. I know...hard to believe.
I have never neglected reality. I knew all along what was going on. I simply didn't want to give up. But now, too many attempts later, we failed. I guess the only way we would have broken up was dramatically, like this. Otherwise I'd have my tantrum, my same old tactics to get you back, only to fail once again.
It's sad, and it honestly p* me off that it ended this way. We didn't say goodbye. We didn't part in peace. We didn't agree. A ridiculous ending to a meaningful relationship, despite all those issues.....Afterall, we connected, we had great discussions, we laughed, we cried. You cried over toast. Still love that one I must admit. Breaks my heart every time I remember that. I don't think I'll ever have a moment like that with anyone, ever again. It's tough.
I know I've been irrational these last weeks. I guess nobody likes being replaced so fast, EVEN if we had agreed on certain things. I can't help how I feel, and I have always been sensitive when it comes to jealousy.
So I ask you, finally, to please understand where I'm coming from, and why I acted the way I did now. I'm protecting myself. I know you're full of good intentions, but you can't be that naiv and expect me to be ok with how everything turned out, and specially not ok in having to accept the kind of friendship you want/wanted to have right now. It has to be on both terms. I'm hurt, because I thought you knew me better.
How on earth could you possibly think everything would be ok weeks after? I need my time, I need my space. This isn't about logic, I've always been driven by my feelings. I'm sure you are not surprised by my reaction?
I don't want to hear all about your hook-ups and love problems. Really. I am your ex-girlfriend, still a friend, but I am not one of your guy friends who you come to, to tell me about your latest catch. Cuz that hurts, and you and I were intimate. I don't want to know who's replaced me, who kissed you in the places you I've kissed, who probably smelled the kinder egg scent too..all those things. I don't need that. I'm sorry if you take that as a punishment, but I have to think about myself now. You know I will lash out and say something I will regreat otherwise.
If this is too much for you to take, I'm sorry again. But I am not like your exes, who can have the kind of friendship you have. I'm me, and Ill remain being myself.
If there is any hope in wanting to keep contact, let's accept our differences, but on both terms.
You matter.
Hard to say these things when Im still bitter and upset. But I know that in the long-term I will be ok. I'm fighting with myself to write this post. Screw pride, I've got nothing to lose.
I needed that goodbye...It will always remain an empty vaccum to me. Like I am incomplete, do you know what I mean?
I have the right to feel this way. Snäll, var inte arg för detta. Jag menar inget illa och jag försöker absolut inte att framstå som en ängel. Konsekvenserna står du och jag för.
You and I, we are good people, just not together.
From your former someone, but hopefully a future friend.
gitx
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Happy birthday to my sizzle!!!!
Our bond is like a river that has deepened and rounded the sharp edges of hurt and anger over time. Because we're sisters, I know your heart and you know mine. When the cloud of dysfunction descended over our family as it always did, we whispered secret wishes for bright and shining futures in the dark. Although we shared the same beginnings, our lives have taken different paths. When those paths converge again in the love, laughter and communion that arises from a common past, it is as though we've never been apart. No matter where you are, You will always have my love, Becca.
Happy birthday sizzle, I'll be with you in thought, as I am every day...
From sizzle 2, with love.
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