The ugly truth

Lately, I had an epiphany while discussing various issues in the matter of the heart. I can't quite explain it, but it just hit me:

I saw the ugly truth about myself. Maybe I knew it all along, because friends have warned me, yet, I had refused their truth and substituted it with my own - Which was a complete joke.

I have been a deliberate ignorant throughout this entire past 12 months.

That's gotta hurt the ego a little bit........I guess I needed time to objectively see the pattern of my recurring problems. It is hard to realize our own mistakes.

I don't like the new perception of me now, even though it is the cruel truth:

I have been desperate, eager beyond reason, to satisfy my needs. My needs of affection, that is.

I looked everywhere, in any little opportunity, any half-way open door to find a loving heart.

I jumped right into situations that were already doomed for catastrophy, and although I am a risk taker, I have been chasing people for so long now. And what for? What good has it brought but heartbreak, deception, illusions, fake promises and high expectations? That isn't love, that is desperation, loneliness and lack of affection.

Everytime things ended with someone, or never really got a start, I blamed it on the person - and not me. I expected them to behave in a certain way, to live up to their words. And they didn't.

Had I realized that I was expecting too much from them, maybe I wouldn't be a bitter little girl, adding every facebook on the likes of: "I hate assholes", or "I am so tired of selfish guys". Now i realize how silly all of that sounds.

I deleted those facebook groups, and I am no longer bitter (but it still hurts).

I don't blame any of these guys for how they delt with the situation, because the way I searched for love, was all wrong. It wasn't there... How could i have had expected any more from them? On the other hand, what i felt for these guys, were REAL. 100%.

In fact, there was nothing wrong with these guys - they were interesting, sweet and affectionate. They simply didn't want anything serious.

It was what it was, for a short while of fun and someone to temporarely fill the void inside my bed, maybe even my heart..... ( i told you, i went too far. )

I have to confess though, that even if things are not supposed to be more than a little adventure, I strongly believe in good manners and consideration of others feelings.

The least people can do is to end things in a civilized manner, and honesty above all. But no, that's not how the real world works. In the end, we have to be satisfied with the insulting silence and the few cold words left behind, echoing in our minds...

The conclusion? I am not running after anyone, anymore. I am not going to pretend it is something it is not. I am done running. It's been 12 months of disappointments - with myself.

From now on, I will quit running after. Wether it is superficial or not, it does not matter. I have tried too hard and far too long to be a good girl. But why? And for who do i need to prove this anyway? No one...If someone does not give me a good enough reason, I do not need to justify what I am doing under my sheets....

Until something real, preferably not involving any running after (!!!), comes along...I will enjoy the temporary adventures, for exactly what they are. Nothing more, nothing less.

I say what I MEAN and I Do what I FEEL....But have been known to put my FOOT in my MOUTH and REGRETED some of the things I've DONE........

ps more posts on this subject to follow.