ps This is a long post and a vast topic. I will be writing about this from time to time. ds




Confessions of an unglamorous 20 something girl


"You speak out all you feel is defiance All you need is some self-reliance Cuz this world is gonna always try us And all you wanted was to run for cover Well here’s looking to your self and no other We’re all searching for that special something And we keep on running"


Lately I have been reflecting over a lot of aspects towards human behaviour and mentality. We all have our own ideas and opinions, so this time, I feel like I want to write down and let you world, know how I see it.

This time I am reflecting over Mr Right issues and all its unlogical meaning.So I will use the word as a metaphore....

This issue overwhelms me to a great extent. At this phase of our lifes we can’t avoid the issue, and if you think about it, we are surrounded and reminded of it at every chance we get.
I often ask myself what is the most important thing for us, in this life. .When we are small, the most important thing is is the latest toy which sings and moves, and Mom. We all have a Mom.
When that phase is over, we want to experiment and become daredevils, not worrying about consequences – drugs, drinks, parties, loud music, make out, make friends..


And now, at 23 I ask myself, what is the most important thing to me, at this very moment?

*I still want to experience, but not in the same level as in when I was a teenager. Another sort of experience.

*I want love – all sorts of love, in all its pureness, faces and colors.
I depend strongly on feelings and security at this very moment of my life. Security that my sister will always be there, that those precious friends from the past still remain in my present, that the one I chose to love sees me the way I see them. The love of my family and support.

*Security in myself – that I make the right choices, that I follow my heart and try to be true to it.

*Identity – to find the source of what Is the purpose of my life but above all, to enjoy it and to have the capacity to shed some warmth and love in the hearts of the people whom I love and chose to share my experience here with.



Now that you got a picture I will get to the point – Mr Right..

It is such a cliché to talk about these things because everytime we hear about it we immedietaly criticize and judge the topic as silly and very “Sex and the city”-like. But no, I refuse to be put in that category, as silly as this topic may sound in your ears as you read it. I too, alike my sister, like to observe human behaviour and this topic carries a great meaning to me at this very moment of my life.

To begin with, the word “Mr Right” is a bad term. It makes us obsessed about its meaning and if such utopia does exist. In other words, it pisses the hell off me. It brings me to reflect over my own life, and not that that is a bad thing!! – the very contrary, but it scares me. I feel pressure to analyse every small detail and behaviour around me.

I am constantly observing and questioning and at the same time trying to lead a normal life believing, or at least trying to believe I am a smart cookie when it comes to love (believe me, that is a tough one).

I don’t have a romantic flick-like relationship, nor do the clouds turn pink everytime we share the small space and fragments of seconds the moment before we kiss..and that is alright. I know reality is everything but that – it is in fact, better.

However I do question my relationship(s). That is right. Not only the current one. For me, each and every one of them we very different from eachother. I was different in every one of them and so were the guys. The needs, the special language between the two, were different as well.What kind of person do I really need, and what do I have to change in myself in order to make it work with the special someone? I too, have the responsability to be a Miss Right and work on my own faults.

The truth is that, every girl in this stage of life, who has a little turmoil going on inside, wonders the very same and goes through this 3 headed monster called Mr Right -blues.

I myself, become very upset at the situations we have to go through in order to figure this monster out. It has digged deep inside my core and its there to stay - so I might as well make peace with it. Nevertheless, I know this will take a long time to become a reality – afterall, all sorts of wars in the world take an endless amount of time to solve.....so why would this be any different, even if its another sort of war?

Women will feel extremly betrayed by me when I confess here that I have accepted the fact that I no longer expect as much from men during this phase of our young lives as before.
Dont get me wrong, I am not dependent on anyone nor do I live of ilusions. To have a relationship and make it work during our 20's is at its most delicate, insecure, unstable and breakable state right now.

Love needs space and time to grow in us and then to become truly & completely embraced by us - but in order for that to happen, we have to have lived and learnt a little and finally let it come into our lifes naturally. That is how it should be. If time is what we need, why do we have the need to have so much control over it?

I just wish things weren’t so complicated for us when we are in our 20’s. Man, what a burden! I don’t think we are capable of being satisifed to a 100% with our relationships right now either. We are supposed to follow the pace we are given, and the unwritten rules which nobody talks about.

We are slaves of this punishing silence, and we live ignorant in this sort of distorted bliss. I am so insecure about so much concering this, because all I want is to be sure I am doing right and nourishing my heart, rather than strangleling it with lies.

Mr Right does not exist for us in our 20’s as far as I am concerned – Mr Right, right now, are the men we meet now. What will come out of it, only time will tell, and along the way we will learn from our mistakes, although i dont believe in mistakes. You know what I mean.
We problably won’t ever know. But if there is a time when we can’t be sure at all, is right now. So much happens in our lifes, so many insecurities and specially, finding out what we really need.

Love doesn’t have to be a prison. It will always be hard on the heart, but love is a battle – and we chose to be a part of it.

There is so much I want to experience, but I want to share a rollercoaster of experiences holding the warm hand of a special someone, but not because Im afraid of being alone. Not at all! I believe life tastes better when we share it with our special ones. That is what life is all about.

..we are still growing up and fighting our own fears and discovering what the world has to offer.. its too hard to hold on to an ilusion. We don't dare to expect so much...It's too risky. It's simply too much of an emotional burden tp the heart.

I want to be able to enjoy what life and the boys in our lives have to give right now - as well with how much I can give. I want a turbulent peace – accepting how things are and enjoying the ride at the same time.

But oooh, if you only knew how much it hurts and tortures my heart to truly embrace this ideology. I'm fighting, I'm fighting, I'm fighting....

...


I "accept", but I will not give in either.
The battle goes on... @)-'--,'--'--

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