ALFIE

About a month ago the most unusual thing happened (to me). I met someone special. The whole scenario was unconventional as well. A shady DJ underground club. My sister invited me to follow her to this place as some of her friends hang there. Why not? - I thought. Let's give this a try.
I found myself a bit out of place, so i walked around this place looking for something entertaining to do; i took a stroll towards the entrance. A few minutes into my exciting mobile interaction I found myself between odd conversations with a photographer and a steady customer by the stairs. As i looked up the stairs I spotted Alfie.

Alfie was sitting by the stairs playing with his mobile, as I was - and I knew immediately he was in the same position as i was, thinking the very same thing: "What the hell am I doing here and how can I entertain myself while I'm here?", and "Maybe if i sit here for a few more minutes something exciting may happen."

We exchanged a few words but it ended there. I went back to my sister and sat in the lounge area with her friends. A few minutes later, Alfie walks towards me again, and it so happens that he was introduced to me (properly, and again) by my sisters friend. He sat by me and we started talking about ridiculous topics of all ranges. All from dirty talking in bed to the latest Grey's anatomy episode. And how we felt missplaced in this place. We hit it off immediately. However my first thought was "he must be AT LEAST BI" (this quote will go down in history!!!) because he seemed a bit feminine. Later on, my sister gave me a look and told me this guy was obviously flirting with me, and I of course denied it, because most females are blind (yes we are, or we pretend we are).

The conversation was so exciting and I was completely flabergasted by the situation. I have never in my entire life gotten along with a stranger so well as with Alfie. I rarely meet any out of the ordinary people, at all. He was extraordinary. But on the other hand, I wasn't flirting, nor did i take it as a come on. It was a very enjoyable conversation, and this very sweet surprise saved my night. We exchanged numbers and parted.

And the rest is history....or?

Well, not quite. We started meeting up, and talking for hours. Daily. Over the phone, over the internet, you name it. I can't exactly say it was intense, because I didn't see it as dating nor did I see him as a love interest. I was merely curious. It wasn't until later that things starting to evolve. I myself had gotten into this with a complete different state of mind, thus not expecting anything other than friendship. However this one person started growing in my heart. I can't deny our connection, nor how intelectually in tune we were. It's one of those rare people we meet in life who really appear out of nowhere and surprises us with their loveliness. We were coming from similar backgrounds and hurts.

I represented to him hope, and so he did for me. Hope that there is light after deep darkness and despair. A light that had the possibility to shine so brightly, It could hurt the eyes but warm the heart. As we dated more I realized how expressive and warm this person was with me.
I missed that. I missed the blunt acts of affection and fondness people tend to hide when they like someone. But not with him. Yet, I realized I wasn't my usual self -

The one who becomes happily overwhelmed when she meets someone she starts liking. When butterflies sensations take over her dull daily routine, to the point when she loses her apetite (in a good way, naturally.)

I am by nature a very intense person, and I focus all my energy into making things work, assuring the guy he is the only one I see across the room.

This may sound awful, but this didn't happen. Not this time. At least I couldn't let the feelings in, as I have somewhat locked myself because of my past.

Nonetheless, there was a reason behind it. And i knew it, and he knew it. We talked about it. We were honest from the start. He knew how my past was still my present, and exactly how much it molded the person he was meeting. - Me.

I am so lucky. He understood exactly where i was coming from, and that I wasn't ready to commit, but willing to take babysteps. We talked about my former boyfriend and how it still haunted me. How I clearly held him close to my heart, even though we were through. I won't deny. He is still around, somehow.

...

How often does one understand such a situation and despite of the imperfections, still sticks around to give it a try? It is so rare for someone to even see this slightly objectively, and the fact that he did, makes me even more fond of him - that people, is rare, and true maturity. It's beautiful and admirable. He didn't judge me nor did he see me of a less worthy girl. So thank you for having given me this chance. Many people would have walked away at the first sign of imperfection.

Will my luck ever strike twice?

Alfie, you're fucking amazing!!!! You know that?

So we took the babysteps. For a while.

Sadly, It didn't work.

He realized I couldn't give him what he needed, and I do, believe me, I do understand his reasons. So we called it off. On the other hand, I am sad. I knew that this could have been something. But the timing, oh the crappy timing. I simply wasn't in it. I wasn't ready. I hope this was the right decision, because I believe we meet very few people who we click so wonderfully with throughout this life. I don't want to see this as a failure, but it's hard..

I look back at this experience with warmth and fondness. I hope we can work this out as friends. I hope he can find in his heart that we can be friends again, just like that night at the club - talking about oral sex, south american politics (!!!) And above all, I really hope this was the right decision. For both of us.


He gave me hope and brought me warmth, a glimpse of the rainbow, but too vague to build something solid of such a blurry view. The timing was completely wrong. And i hate myself for that, but what can I do? My heart has been taken hostage, and i am still working on breaking these chains. My former love made a big impact in my heart, and left me with a big question mark..I really wanted that second chance to prove him I was as worthy as Alfie saw me.

But that's life, right? I never tried so hard, and I refuse to use any breaks. Not this irremediable restless heart! Don't let it be taimed, nor limited.

"The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal."

At least we tried, because that is what life is about. Risking. No matter what. And that is one thing he and I had in common. I loved that - To challenge ones fears in order to grow, see beyond the uneasy haze, and give the people we meet an honest chance, even if that means to risk a great deal of self security.

It doesn't matter how much pain experiences can bring, but rather live it, give it a try, than runaway..Call me a masochist, but it's all damn worth it. Give me moments..


Let me be angry at myself for a while, because I can't help but be upset with myself - I know i could have been better, I know I could have been the one he wanted me to be. Feelings I had, but too vague to mold - simply too soon to bloom. I am truly sorry I couldn't let him in...

Alfie, you'll always be my uber fabiolous Mougli :D You rock this world, and you put all'them boys to shame! Tu sabes que yo te quiero mucho! Siempre, my mr brightside. You gave me moments, and you mean more to me than I ever let show above the surface.

During these past 4 weeks, I've known you forever...

Love is often a matter of timing,
But the rhythm is seldom correct.
Thus fate makes it nearly impossible,
For two lonely souls to connect.

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