Through the haze
[Warning: This late night blabber may not make any sense to a number of readers. You've been warned.]
Emotional short circuit. Familiar, yet it brings me an uneasiness I can't quite describe. An uneasiness which reminds me that when it happens, I have to step back and think things over, digest, recharge, re-think - Time-out...God, that word haunts me. Time-out. It has been present in my life in the past, but in a total different situation, which wasn't necesseraly handled with the most grace I've presenced. So let me tell you how to handle a "time-out", without the drama & the freak out, the best way I can.
Don't we all have those moments, when we are put in the spotlight, when we have to listen to our so called gut feeling, the moment we have to take action, where we have to try to maintain a sort of stability in the instability itself. However, the only reaction we can get out are those pathetic little sounds and movements the mouth is trying to shape, making us sound like complete retards but nothing, nothing comes out. No words, no nothing which can lead us forward. Paralysis kicks in.
Emotional short circuit.
This very occurrence has taught me that it doesn't necessarily have to carry a negative tone. The very contrary, it means that in the very moment when we become emotionally handicapped, that is when every sound we tried to evoke begins to shape into logical words. Maybe not right away, but the very action of stepping back and re-evaluating a situation means that everything that we are & our beliefs is put to the test. That is when personal growth comes into the picture - when we know exactly what to do about a certain situation. Because let's be honest, we are only human.
And it may be terribly selfish to step back and let the other person hang on every word we say, awaiting for a reaction, awaiting for a sign. Through pain comes growth. By doing things in it's right time and place, is the only ultimate solution, if you don't want to regreat your decisions.
OBS! As long as you DO NOT step all over the other person's hearts, walking away with silence thinking that that is an appropriate and satisfactory answer in itself, (because you know yourself you wouldn't want someone to treat you the very same way, now would you?)
Many people decide in the heat of a moment - during a fight, during that evening they listened to that terribly depressive song which made them write that overly dramatic letter which they regreated the minute they pressed "send", or by those moments where people simply give up without thinking it through, because of pride, fear of stepping out of their secure bubble of the familiar, insecurity - you name it. In the end, we are all people coming from different places. We are all mysterious to eachother, in the end of the day. We will never quite grasp the very essence of the other's soul. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a game, where the rolling dice decide our so called "destiny". There is only so much we can control.
I know where I stand, I know my morals and capabilities and I do know myself enough. But sometimes, when we are put in unfamiliar situations, all is questioned. Over and over and over again. Story of our lives, isn't it?
My very essence is untouched. I do have my own philosophy, just like you. I am a good person with good intentions, but I do know I am not flawless and that I may be wrong in my way of handling things. I know that very well.
Sometimes the philosophy we carry with ourselves has to be prepared and flexible for unexpected change. It's the only way to apply it to the life that is happening right in front of us (if you want to make sense of things). If you can't make it flexible and challenge it constantly, if you can't accept that sometimes your very philosophy may not be flawless and perfect, THEN! you missed out on the whole point..
However, sometimes I can't apply it to real life. Maybe because I wasn't in the right state of mind, maybe because I wasn't present enough in the first place in order to take action, or maybe because it wasn't the right person in the first place. I need to be fully present (and i don't mean physically), in order to live up to my philosophy - to take risks, go out of my own way for another person, regreat nothing, challenge, live and love to the point of ridiculousness.....
With the right person, I can be the best I'll ever be. If that person let's my heart express itself, I can make the impossible possible, and I can move out of my way to make it work - wether they live close or far, wether they are scared..and so much more I couldn't possibly put into words. With the right person, I can express myself, i am no longer limited. I see no obstacles, and I'd do everything in my power to make it work, no matter how difficult it would turn out to be, because I strongly believe that people in general give in before trying, settling for the safe choice and just letting things fade into the past, as memories, without letting it possibly become a hell of an experience. Cuz we never know...we never know how it could have turned out, if we had risked a little more..
Right now, I need to step back and recharge my batteries, in order to know what to do next. I need my gut feeling to work, and the only way it will ever make itself heard, is to give it some time, by stepping out of the fog, and into perspectiveness.
I am far from perfect, but seldom do I give in that fast without putting up a fight. Let us just see that there is enough there to fight for, otherwise...what is the point, if not chase those moments we longingly strive for, and more importantly, for the right person? If they are the right ones our hearts are aiming for, time will tell.
I do know how far I can go for someone, I do know my limits, but I'd rather see possibilities instead. I ask "why not?" instead of "why?"
On the other hand, we have to accept that, even though we may listen to our gut feeling, it all comes down to the choices we have to make. We will never really know if it was 100% the right decision. We just hope that when a door closes, another one opens - and that is exactly the beauty this life has to give us. Things always turn out differently from what we initially expected. We really dont have complete control of our future. Isn't it ironic. It may be a "role the dice" game, afterall. Maybe it does come down to that.
What will be will be, and hopefully we don't regreat, hopefully we don't become bitter. Hopefully we look back at the experience and say: At least I lived, at least I tried and got moments to remember when I'm old and cranky. But above all, that I tried my best with what I had, at that very moment in my life - wether it was a failure, or a success story. Such is life.
I don't believe that hearts break - we underestimate it far too much! I believe they are temporarely under shortcircuit. If there is one thing I know for sure, is that it may be a very fragile "organ", but It has more healing powers than we are aware of. It can always mend, you just have to put your faith in it. I am a living proof of that. I am not broken, simply undergoing a highly necessary technical maintenance - As we all presence a few times in our lifetime. It's unavoidable.
With love,
Miss heart-under-construction, in order to improve future service.
ps Highly pretentious post, but life is pretentious sometimes. And you know what? Sometimes pretension makes sense, because during those rare times, it does reflect life exactly as it is.Over and out!
__________________________________________________________________
And it may be terribly selfish to step back and let the other person hang on every word we say, awaiting for a reaction, awaiting for a sign. Through pain comes growth. By doing things in it's right time and place, is the only ultimate solution, if you don't want to regreat your decisions.
OBS! As long as you DO NOT step all over the other person's hearts, walking away with silence thinking that that is an appropriate and satisfactory answer in itself, (because you know yourself you wouldn't want someone to treat you the very same way, now would you?)
Many people decide in the heat of a moment - during a fight, during that evening they listened to that terribly depressive song which made them write that overly dramatic letter which they regreated the minute they pressed "send", or by those moments where people simply give up without thinking it through, because of pride, fear of stepping out of their secure bubble of the familiar, insecurity - you name it. In the end, we are all people coming from different places. We are all mysterious to eachother, in the end of the day. We will never quite grasp the very essence of the other's soul. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a game, where the rolling dice decide our so called "destiny". There is only so much we can control.
I know where I stand, I know my morals and capabilities and I do know myself enough. But sometimes, when we are put in unfamiliar situations, all is questioned. Over and over and over again. Story of our lives, isn't it?
My very essence is untouched. I do have my own philosophy, just like you. I am a good person with good intentions, but I do know I am not flawless and that I may be wrong in my way of handling things. I know that very well.
Sometimes the philosophy we carry with ourselves has to be prepared and flexible for unexpected change. It's the only way to apply it to the life that is happening right in front of us (if you want to make sense of things). If you can't make it flexible and challenge it constantly, if you can't accept that sometimes your very philosophy may not be flawless and perfect, THEN! you missed out on the whole point..
However, sometimes I can't apply it to real life. Maybe because I wasn't in the right state of mind, maybe because I wasn't present enough in the first place in order to take action, or maybe because it wasn't the right person in the first place. I need to be fully present (and i don't mean physically), in order to live up to my philosophy - to take risks, go out of my own way for another person, regreat nothing, challenge, live and love to the point of ridiculousness.....
With the right person, I can be the best I'll ever be. If that person let's my heart express itself, I can make the impossible possible, and I can move out of my way to make it work - wether they live close or far, wether they are scared..and so much more I couldn't possibly put into words. With the right person, I can express myself, i am no longer limited. I see no obstacles, and I'd do everything in my power to make it work, no matter how difficult it would turn out to be, because I strongly believe that people in general give in before trying, settling for the safe choice and just letting things fade into the past, as memories, without letting it possibly become a hell of an experience. Cuz we never know...we never know how it could have turned out, if we had risked a little more..
Right now, I need to step back and recharge my batteries, in order to know what to do next. I need my gut feeling to work, and the only way it will ever make itself heard, is to give it some time, by stepping out of the fog, and into perspectiveness.
I am far from perfect, but seldom do I give in that fast without putting up a fight. Let us just see that there is enough there to fight for, otherwise...what is the point, if not chase those moments we longingly strive for, and more importantly, for the right person? If they are the right ones our hearts are aiming for, time will tell.
I do know how far I can go for someone, I do know my limits, but I'd rather see possibilities instead. I ask "why not?" instead of "why?"
On the other hand, we have to accept that, even though we may listen to our gut feeling, it all comes down to the choices we have to make. We will never really know if it was 100% the right decision. We just hope that when a door closes, another one opens - and that is exactly the beauty this life has to give us. Things always turn out differently from what we initially expected. We really dont have complete control of our future. Isn't it ironic. It may be a "role the dice" game, afterall. Maybe it does come down to that.
What will be will be, and hopefully we don't regreat, hopefully we don't become bitter. Hopefully we look back at the experience and say: At least I lived, at least I tried and got moments to remember when I'm old and cranky. But above all, that I tried my best with what I had, at that very moment in my life - wether it was a failure, or a success story. Such is life.
I don't believe that hearts break - we underestimate it far too much! I believe they are temporarely under shortcircuit. If there is one thing I know for sure, is that it may be a very fragile "organ", but It has more healing powers than we are aware of. It can always mend, you just have to put your faith in it. I am a living proof of that. I am not broken, simply undergoing a highly necessary technical maintenance - As we all presence a few times in our lifetime. It's unavoidable.
With love,
Miss heart-under-construction, in order to improve future service.
"It's just the currents of life changing direction again..."
ps Highly pretentious post, but life is pretentious sometimes. And you know what? Sometimes pretension makes sense, because during those rare times, it does reflect life exactly as it is.Over and out!
__________________________________________________________________
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